Diving the way

Sore bottoms,muscle aches and gigantic bruises are what you get from executing "perfect" dives(almost 70 times)-with the gear fully padded on you. More than 5kg of plastic encased around you,restricting your movements to no end,yet you still have to use every ounce of your energy to push yourself off at the right angle and height and distance. Add the extra whack run in the morning,and extremly sore muscles from training the same dives for 6 hours non-stop the day before,and you get one VERY SHAG person.

But...It's all in the name of improving,and I will not complain. Just grit my teeth and go with the trainings given,no matter how much I feel like just breaking down and giving up. No amount of physical resistance can beat the will of my mind. As the Nike slogans scream,"Just Do It".

May God bless me.

Tis' the season to be jolly..

Merry merry Christmas! May God bless you forever with His beautiful heart!

Christmas never fails to work its magic on me every year,first with that warm,fuzzy feeling of love and goodwill towards all men,then its the frenzied shopping and card-writing and gift-wrapping for friends and loved ones. And there is the intrinsic happiness in genuinely spreading the Love of God. *smiles*

Signs

Some things are just obvious,yet I'm unable to discern the signs. Maybe it's just my persistent inner-self pushing me on,and my never-dying sense of optimism. No,make that "foolish hope". There are obvious signs and signals present all around...why am I just so blind to all of them? Why do I keep ignoring them? It's high time I heed these telling signs and do myself a favour in the future,before things get even deeper and more complex,and by then it would have been too late. The hurt would already have been inflicted.

I pray to God to answer my prayers,and that if His answer was a "No",please give me hints in advance so that the pain would be lessened. And I thank God for showing me His hints now,rather than next year,when things start to get heavy and tight. I heard Him,and will wait and trust for His great plans to unfold...

Everyone has his(her) days

Yes,everyone has his/her days. You can't expect anyone to reamin as high or enthusiastic every single day,unless that person is constantly on happy pills or something. And obviously such pills are so rare that I have yet to see anyone who can stay forever happy.

Happiness is a God-given gift,and is by far one of the most precious things in the world,despite its intangible form. When we are happy,God smiles down upon us,for we are showing appreciation for His gift,yet when we are depressed,God feels our pain,and is upset. So no matter what,we should always fill ourselves with happiness,and be content in the fact that God is smiling His beautiful smile upon us...

Take it slow...

Patience is a virtue. I finally realised that after countless mistakes made,and vowed never to repeat the same dumb mistake ever again. Thinking back,sometimes it really cannot be helped,because the human emotions tend to fuel the actions of the body,so much so that it becomes uncontrollable. That's way they call them "impulses".

Take it slow,although the urge to plunge deep into the risky,dangerous zone is so overwhelming. It's okay,trust in the Father Almighty,and lay everything in His hands,for He has great plans for me. Why worry now? If it is meant to be,it is meant to be,and He will provide.

Consuming thoughts

When things always seem to be going real bad,no one is really to blame-no one,that is,except yourself. You are the one letting your poisonous thoughts consume you,so much so that they control your life by ruining your mood for an entire day,sometimes much longer than that.

The worst feelings are that of crushed hopes or failed expectations. How badly you long for something to happen,and the yearning is enough to drive your feelings into a crazy run,yet when the moment for it to arrive turns out to be the most disappointing moment ever. The crushed feeling,of having such lofty wishes simply shattering before you can ever comprehend what's happening,really sucks.

It also sucks to keep trying at something,hoping beyond your wildest,craziest dreams that you will succeed,yet nothing seems to be happening. They say,"Persevere and you will succeed." You can truly scoff at that. What success are they talking about? Try after try after try turns out to be nothing more than where you were at square one,and over time,you can't blame the natural reaction of the human body to just give up and spare it some emtional torture. Sometimes you must know when to give yourself,and your poor brain(or heart,for that matter) a well-deserved break. Too much provocation within a short period of time is seriously not healthy,lest your name is permanently inked in the records of some mental health facility.

Say no also,to the irritating recurring thoughts within your brain. "Why did it happen that way?" "Why didn't it turn out that way?" And the whole day is wasted on such unproductive thoughts. You try to keep yourself occupied with favourite activities,mindless bantering with close friends,or just simply drowning yourslef in emo music,but these are merely part of a superficial blamket you use to (unsuccessfully)mask your true emotions. In the end,when you are all alone and trying hard to enter the realm of dreams,you end up crying to yourself while craddling your pillow...

Let God help you. Nothing is as great as His power and His love,and nothing else on a temporary Earth matters as much. He knows every single thing you are doing and feeling,and will never leave you. Never. Though you can't see Him,His presence is always around,for you to seek comfort from,to cry to,to share your joy with. God never fails. And for that,I'm truly thankful for His blessings,and His never-failing comfort,helping me to navigate through this emotional minefield shrouded by clouds darker than the night sky,as I tackle the worst of all feelings slowly eating me inside out. Thank you oh sweet Father,for hearing my cries! Praise You forever and ever,Amen.

Upped trainings

More and more trainings! They seemed to have upped themselves ever since the trip to Hong Kong. Now,trainings are 6 days a week,with only one day with single session,one day with double sessions and the rest of the days with triple sessions...

Hallelujah!

Hong Kong jam

It's been five days and finally I'm back in Singapore...ah home sweet home at last. The past days were spent in Hong Kong with the hockey team,and it was,I must say,quite an enriching and rather fun experience(well,ain't all overseas trips?). I will try to give a as detailed as possivle account of the time there,although once I stepped in Changi Airport last night,everything I did and saw in Hong Kong just seemed so far away and so long ago,almost forgotten. Thank God for the pictures I took,and of course,my ultra good memory. *winks*

Day 1

Because we were taking the budget airlines JetStar,the timing of the flight was really bad-6.40 early in the morning,which means I have to reach Terminal 1 by latest 5am,and that again means I have to wake real early,like about 4. I remembered tossing and turning in bed on Wednesday night,telling myself I have to sleep early or else I will just die the next day(like falling asleep while going to the airport and falling into drains again,together with my gigantic goalie bag squashing on top of me). But the more I tell myself that,the more I couldn't sleep,so it was really bad. Plus I kept getting messages from Mr Seet,at about 12.30,asking me whether I have the goalie bag with me,which further disrupted my sleep.

My body seemed to have inheirited the reluctance quotient from my mind,because when I dragged myself from bed,all bleary-eyed and groggy,I realised my nose was bleeding badly,and didn't stop until the blood has stained my WHITE team shirt(yes yes I tried to stop the bleeding!but it just kept flowing,too much for me to handle!). So there I was,at the airport,with two huge brownish stains near my collar,looking as though I'm someone with an extra hole at the side of my jaw and had just drank chocholate milk despite that defect. Ugh.

There was a long waiting time,which we spent talking,hanging around and checking in our luggages and settling our passports. We finally boarded at about 6.15am,but not before going through the luggage checks,in which my FULL Adidas deodorant got thrown away because it conatined 150ml of liquid. Apparently there is this new law that prohibits more than 100ml of liqiud to be brought into the plane(including water bottles) and I obviously didn't know about it. So goodbye dear deodorant(I actually felt like punching the guy's face,but oh well)! The plane ride was rather uneventful,or maybe it was because we all spent our time sleeping our lives away. It was very uncomfortable though(ahem,JetStar okay)-the seats were squeezed so tightly together,so much so that the taller people had their legs cramped in a tiny space that could hardly contain anything! I bet people like Mr Najib,Desmond and Rui must have suffered terribly *shakes her head*

When we finally arrived at Hong Kong airport,there was this mad rush to the toilets(Haha,bladder-holders!) before the collection of the luggages. Unfortunately,poor Laura's luggage went missing,which caused a major delay in our schedule. There was this big mess because our luggages and passports were mass collected without any order,thus luggages were not registered under the respective owners but under someone else's name. So we had to do alot of searching around and matching of passports to luggages,but it was still missing. In the end,she had to make a lost luggage claim,and was refunded S$1000 by the insurance company. Then we had a quick lunch(because of the dealy) in which I ate with the Halal table,and the dishes were nothing but green vegetables and rice! But we couldn't complain,because Muslims are not common in Hong Kong,and besides,we can't eat much anyway,because we had a match coming up shortly. After lunch,we headed straight to our chalets to unpack and get ready for the match. It's actuallt this holiday camp nestled in the mountainside and the whole team is staying in dorm-like chalets. The girls and guys sleep in one dorm and two dorms respectively,and within each dorm there are about 3 other bedrooms. Within each bedroom there are some bunk beds-the seniors(5 of them) took a room,while the rest of us Year 1s took two rooms.

(Siew Min,Jia Ling,Janelle,Rui,Shara,Mei Xian and I roomed together)

We had to rush real badly-clothes were strewn about,the girls just changed together in the rooms,luggages were shoved around,and quickly we were up the bus on the way to our first friendly against the Hong Kong under 16 team. We played at King's Park hockey pitch-it was an excellent pitch! Surprisingly,our opponents were all Caucasians,some nearly as (physically)big as me! The weather made things worse for us-we first started our warm-ups with a few slow jogs,but just into the first lap and we were all panting,choking and coughing. The bitingly cold air was just too much for our poor lungs to take,and it attacked our eyes and faces. Ah,but despite all that,we played hard(the hardest I have played comparatively to the matches I played back home) and managed a 2-2 draw. I have never dived and slid so much in a match! The guys were up next,against a non-Caucasian team,but they lost 2-1. Good games!

Dinner was up next,after showering at King's Park,and we ate at this restaurant in this institution called,get this,Hong Kong Polytechnic-University. That made all of us go,"Huh? So is it a university or polytechnic?" Haha. It was quite good,considering most of us were starved after our exhausting matches. We were then given time for shopping,about 45 mins,as most of us were drained,and we were brought to this high-end street with shops selling merchandise even more expensive than in Singapore! Most of us just walked around,or bought mango desert which was just superb! Then it was back to our dorms to rest and relax(and shower,for most of the guys...). The night temperature in the mountains was just freakingly cold,but I loved it!

Day 2

The second day dawned early,and we had breakfast at the chalet restaurant-bread and sausages and meat patties. It was god,but not filling,and most of us ended up buying Mochi or ice-cream from the cafe next door. There was some free time after breakfast,and I went walking around,exploring the chalet grounds. There turned out to be quite a number of facilties,like bicycle rentals,archery,a playground with the most interesting seesaws and swings,hopscotch,twister,kite-flying grounds,obstacle courses,basketball and street soccer courts etc. It was just splendid,walking in such cooling weather,and observing the Hong Kong kids going to and fro school(which is situated within the chalet grounds) from their own dorms.

Lunch was a barbecue at the pit just outside our chalet,and they provided BBQ packs and bread and fruits. It was so interesting,because this was the first time I had barbecue in the afternoon,and in such cold weather too! The food was good,but i ate mostly bread and fruits,because the meat seemed rather uncooked! After lunch,it was time to get ready for our second match,this time against the Hong Kong under 18 team. It was expected that we will lose,since we only managed a draw with their under-16s.

We returned to the same pitch,warmed up again in the stinging cold air and suffered sore lungs and eyes. The weather was worse,much colder and much more biting,but as usual we have to put up with it and get on with the game. The prediction wsa more than accurate-we were sorely thrashed by the under-18s! Most of them were much bigger than us(suddenly Rui didn't seem so tall after all) and they were so fast with their dribbling and sweeps! There were three encounters of one-on-ones and I was thoroughly outran by them *shakes her head* There were also three short-corners(in other words,easy chances to score goals,because the ball is set really near the goal) awarded to them,within just a span of 5 mins! It was ridiculous. It's just like 3 penalties given in 5 mins in a soccer game! Thank God none went in(*smiles*),but it was still seriously traumatising. In the end we got thrashed badly:8-1. But it was a good game,the most difficult I have ever played,much more than on day 1,and I seriously learnt alot from it. The guys' match was after us again,but they were against some random team(not the under-18s okay) and I think they won 1-0 by stroke. Good game! We had a reception with our opponents after that,pizza and cakes and all,and mingled around with them quite abit. And after that,we still have dinner waiting for us at the polytechnic-university! Most of us couldn't eat much,Haha.

After that it was back to the dorms to rest. But most of us were restless,and went on nightwalks to the vantage point where we could catch glimpses of the beautiful city skyline. My regrets for not taking any pictures! We also watched the stars and constellations,and because of the clear night sky,the stars stood out really brilliantly. Pretty!

Day 3

The third day was like before-breakfast of bread and jam and corn and eggs. There was also bee hoon soup,and that was when Mr Najib and I turned the soup pot into a battleground. He first challenged the others at the table(Izswand,Shara,Shaz,Hakim,Desmond,Malcom,Terence and I) to pick up this teeny carrot cube using only our chopsticks. Malcom tried with a toothpick,but was disqualified. Desmond only sank the cube further into the soup,while Terence almost got it...but it slipped and fell. It was so hilarious(and all the while Shaz kept spewing corn bits and juices beside me) to see guys fumbling with their chopsticks and not getting anything up! It was down to Mr Najib and I,and guess who won? Me of course! *guffaws* He was not very contented,and challenged me to more meal time battles over the next few days. Well,why not?

We then had to pack our stuff and check out of this beautiful mountainside chalet,and also get ready for our third match,of which I'm not playing. Lunch came next,again another battle. *sniggers* There was this dish which was purely thick,unpeeled stalks of chye sim("This is the greenest dish I have ever seen!" says Hakim) and that became our forfeit. Whoever could not pick up gooey,wet mushrooms and wet watermelons with chopsticks will have to eat one of those untouched green stalks as thick as one's big toe. I lost first and once,and goodness gracious,the stalk that Hakim picked out for me was the thickest and greenest,and it was so hard,the stalk almost crunched when I bit it! *gags* But Haha,Mr Najib lost most of it and ate almost 5 thick stalks...because if any of us are able to pick up,he has to eat too! *big laugh*

After lunch we went to another pitch(sorry,can't remember the name) and played against a University. The third game was expected to be easy which was why I'm not playing,because I won't be learning much from it anyway...in fact Felicia only touched the ball once *sighs* As expected,it was very easy,so much so that I can't remember the score! the guys played next,and they won too. Then it was dinner,with more battles and choking vegetable forfeits,Haha. We then checked in at Newton Hotel,where we will spend the next two nights.

The night was spent shopping at Ladies' Street,a famous shopping district,much like Singapore's "pasar malam"s and gosh,it was really crowded! There was much pushing and squeezing and bargaining going on. We bought many stuff,things which can't be found back home,and the prices were reasonable,though not much cheaper than back home. We had a great time eating the ball-shaped plain waffles and fried octopus and curry fishballs,especially in the cooling weather!

Day 4

We had an American buffet breakfast eraly,because we have a long day ahead of us,filled with shopping shopping shopping! It was literally shop till you dropped,because there was just so much to see! The extensive transport system,which is almost identical to Singapore's MRT system,gave us an even greater incentive to shop because we can go so many places! There's not much details I can put in for a shopping trip,and although I'm by nature not a shopping person,I loved the experience. We shopped for 10 hours non-stop,checking out the quirky clothes and bags and shoes and watches and...just basically everything on sale. That night,I was so exhausted,I could only manage a cold sandwich(too tired to wait for the microwave) from 7-11 before falling "dead" on bed.

Was just snoozing soundly,when suddenly all the girls burts into the room,pulled my warm comforter from me and blasted "Happy Birthday" into my dozing ears. It was so unexpected and I was really touched by their thoughtful gesture. Honestly,I myself have forgotten it was my birthday the next day-3rd December! They couldn't find a cake anywhere,and had to make do with a sponge cake from 7-11(my favourite restaurant,haha),decorated with Pocky sticks arranged like candles stuck on top of the cake. I was so groggy and shocked by the whole thing,but at least I could manage a few pictures. Thank you girls,especially Siew Min,for such a simple yet touching gesture. It really means alot :)

Day 5

Today was the last day,but since our flight is at night,we have a morning and afternoon,so Siew Min,Shara and I decided to go Ocean Park,which is like a theme park by the sea. This is where the longest escalator in Asia is found. In addition,there were thrilling rides,underwater galleries and slow rides. Just like any theme parks,with popcorn and games and loads of fun.

Sideview of the escalator

Beautiful seaside scenery

The rides were thrilling,and I'm proud to say I conquered the worst of them all *winks*

Proud pose from the seal!

Giant octopus *wonders if she ate its brother last night*

Right-on snap of a mollusc

Marine shot of the underwater gallery

Still,it was a great day,though we had to leave early at about 3 to gather back at the hotel and head for the airport to catch our flight back home. On the way,Siew bought me two small cupcakes,another thoughtful gesture to remind me of my 17th birthday,and we spent the rest of the waiting time eating cakes and Mochi,drinking milk and taking last few pictures.

We had another uncomfortable flight back home,which was also delayed,because poor Felix lost his passport while running from the shop selling Krispy cream doughnuts to the deaprture gate. To make matters worse,he is an Indonesian,and the Indonesian embassy has to be contacted. In the end we had to leave him at the airport,together with Mr Seet. Hope the poor guy is home already at the time I'm typing this. It really sucks to be held back and not be able to go home,after so long in a foreign country!

All in all,it was quite a fun trip,although I'm really glad to be back home,where I can run(*smiles*) and hang around with my friends and go church. Home sweet home!

Praise the Lord!

How often have you heard of life-changing expereinces that turn one's life completely around? Some may be for the better,some for the worse,Amen,but they never fail to invoke feelings of wonders and amazement,and more unfortunately,regret. How can one change so much?

Today was my first time attending church service at Tabernacle of Joy,after long forbiddance from parents,who were much against the religion. I can't blame them for having the wrong impression though-they had rather bad experiences with the fanatics...But the point is,going to church rocks! :D Finally,someplace where I felt I really belonged,and Love was just so thick in the air,together with His heavenly presence. Oh praise the Lord!

On another note,warning to everyone out there,DO NOT JOIN TWO CCAS. Especially if you have stronger committment to one,because sometimes the need to compromise certain trainings for another can leave you feeling like shit. It was supposed to be whacking intervals for cross with the chummy crossers tomorrow,yet I have to sacrifice that to go for full hockey training(where I don't very much belong either) *sighs* It really sucks to see your friends running so hard,while you are stranded on the pitch,behind layers of insulating,sweat-drenched(and yes,stinky) plastic and just waiting for the ball to come whacking you. And all the time your heart yearns to be with your friends,longing to join them in the tough training and hopefully,share the pain together,and then share the joy after the whole training is completely overcome. What can beat that feeling?

Looks like I have to do the intervals alone in the afternoon,braving the merciless sun...But then again,I'm sure God has a plan for me,and something good will always come out of such seemingly bad things. Amen.

Ah whatever...

*rolls her eyes*Whatever man...we shouldn't give a damn to what people say about you,because what can they do? Kill you with their words? Well,some may say mental and emotional hurt is worse than any kind of physical hurt,but I beg to differ. I mean,come on man,you can DIE from the latter! Why give up such a great life just 'cos of some retarded comments from retarded people who have yet to look at themselves in the mirror?! Ah so not worth it...

No life

Been doing nothing much except training training training...double sessions everyday except Wednesdays and Saturdays(Sundays don't count,mind you) and even on Wednesdays I still have hockey trainings...actually not that I'm complaining,at least there is something to do instead of rotting at home. *smiles* And reading the Bible really helps!

The wonders of His love...

Say hello to the dawn’s arrival
Open your eyes to a brand new day
Lift your head to feel the sun’s blessing
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
Each gentle ray blesses the living
We all reach out for its energy
Its gentle warmth it will caress you
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
For every tree and every flower
That dances in the sun
For children playing in the daytime
And having their fun
For every broken heart
that sees the Light of day
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
Illuminating all that it touches
Brings out the color of the world
Its warmth it gives us good feelings
The morning light will show us the way

The morning light will show us the way
For every tree and every flower
That dances in the sun
For every childhood smile
That touches everyone
For every life that we are given
For every dream realized
The morning sun will show you the way

I saw the light yesterday,and man,it felt good. Mind you,I'm not loony or anything,just that I revelled in a presence so divine and unearthly that it seemed too good to be true,except it was really true. God bless the world!

Peace out

Peace, Bring it on
Peace, peace
You do no wrong
Peace, peace, peace
You are strong
Stronger then hatred
Stronger than fear
Stronger than the dark powers
of a troubled mind
Peace
Stay with me...
Peace, peace
Flee not,
try to be kind!
Peace, peace, peace
Why hath thou so tough to find?

Peace out people...it's time to talk things out and solve evrything we have to solve. Enough of all this politics and backstabbing,let's just be honest with one another from now on. We can't carry on doing this,hiding and faking and being so superficial. Yes,and that includes me,I know. No more acting nice and happy all the while and letting others get on top of my head. No more substitute,no more "spare tyre",no more playing second fiddle.

Angsty angsty angsty

Anger is deep within me
Anger is what I want to hear
Anger drives me crazy
Anger is what turns me on
Anger wants to kill me
Anger is what makes me mad
Anger inside me
Needs to stop
Where did it come from?
Will it ever stop?
My anger is uncontrollable
Anger lashes out at innocent victims
But, why, where, who, what-
Brought me so much anger?
Everything makes more anger in me
Life's full of pain...
Is there ever gonna be an ending?

Not again...!

Another injury to add to my fast growing list...Thank God it's not THAT serious as the previous one,nor as painful. This was sustained during a pre-match training session,when the girls were just randomly whacking shots at me. And I have to dance around them,blocking and kicking,when suddenly a hard shot came,and I used the left side of my right calf to block it,and instead of the usual loud "pock" of ball hitting plastic,there was this soft "thup",and there was an accompanying unbearable pain that quickly took control of my entire leg. In just a second,I was doubled over,clutching the fast-numbing leg with tears streaming down my face. Fuck. I looked like some soft sissy,but hey,it was bone-splitting ache okay!

Curses came later when I realised the gear wasn't padded up properly and was loose at one side,exposing just the right amount of leg to the ball. And how nice and accurate the shot was to hit right at the vulnerable spot. Ugh,Murphy's Law working hard again...I then remembered it was Mr Seet who helped me with the padding up just now,damn,but it's also my fault for not checking whether it was secured properly. So for the next hour or so,I had to bear with the pain of having the kickers,securely and firmly tightened,pressing fucking hard against my already swelling blue-black leg. Yeah,and run around with it,when I can hardly move with something so tightly pressed against the swell! It hurts,every step just made me tear,but what can I do? Bear with it and play on. *sighs*

One leg's healed and the other gets injured...taking turns eh?

Uh...excuse me?

Yes yes,life is never fair. I'm so going to sound like some ole complaining shit,forever nagging on societal woes. But alas! I cannot ignore it! It's so prevalent,it's making me cringe in pent-up anger and frustration whenever I think of it...Humph.

It's going to sound really disrespectful-especially in such a conservative society where the aged is valued beyond imagination,and where filial piety and love for the "zhang bei" forms the core of traditional ideals. To disrespect or show any signs of impatience towards this greying group of people is openly asking for trouble:Hushed murmurs,discreet finger-pointing,open head-shaking and loud tsk-tsking. But sometimes they ought to look on our side of the story and realise why we were impatient in the first place. Just take today's swim for example. More than half the Olympic sized pool is "cordoned" off to allow NON-registered(what the hell...?!) swimming lessons for pesky,sniffling kiddos,leaving behind a few measly lanes for the rest of the public. I got one lane right at the corner,and was doing my timed laps when suddenly two species of the greing population just appeared in my lane,right in front of me. Apparently they swam over from their own lanes(for what reason I don't know...a lane is just a lane...was mine prettier or something?) and swam at a pace so slow it can make a sloth cry. And they were in front of me...me with the watch ticking. And the lane which they came from just kept screaming,"EMPTY!" Okay fine. So I tried overtaking them(which affected my timings quite badly),but just as I passed them,I could see them giving the evil eye,while shaking their silvered heads at me in disappointment. It's as if they were saying,"Young people nowadays..." WHAT do you want me to do?! Swim behind you?! The sloth would have died from lack of tears,I tell you!

That reminds me of another incident(which is becoming much more common nowadays) on the overhead bridge leading to East Coast Park. This is the dreaded connection where we do our deadly intervals-6X1.65km-with killer timings to hit. And just at our most shag moment,the one right after whacking the Everest-like slope,we see a strong formation of silver-headed troops marching at a speed which can make a snail hang its head(if it even has one!)in defeat. And they are trudging four abreast,so it's absolutely impossible to squeeze past them without having to brush past them,inviting angry responses. Mostly we yell,"Excuse me!" but all the same,still get returned with dirty stares and snide mutterings,just because we sound impatient and rude.But hey,we are doing killer timed intervals man,do we have a choice? I mean,what do you want us to do? Push you down and go,"Whoops sorry Pops! Didn't see you there!"? Now that you hear the other side,life is unfair for us,don't you think?*shakes her head*

Move on already!

Hope is the sweet, sweet scent
of flowers in the morning
Hope is the cool gentle breeze
on a warm summer's day
Hope is the knowledge of stability
from a son in mourning
Hope is the bright shining light
keeping darkness at bay
Hope is the calming warmth
during a cold winter
Hope is the determination
of an athelete on the track
Hope is the potential
of a newborn baby
Hope is the warmth
between you and me
Hope springs eternal...

Say goodbye to the old and welcome the new! Everyone's gotta move on...no more dwelling in the past and not letting go of the memories,hard as it may seem. "Time awaits no one"

So long,Chinese!

13 years of studying Chinese...and all is over today...FINALLY. Not that I miss it,no way. Hell,I'm so glad I don't have to be forced to speak another sentence nor write another line in that dreaded language ever again. Call me potato or ang-moh pai,whatever,I don't give a shit man! But then again,who says it's all over? What if I-touch wood- fail and have to re-take again next year? No no no...not gonna entertain that thought. Bad omen. :(

Last thing to tackle now...fucking PW. Ugh,so much last minute shit,many apologies to my patient group members for having to put up with my late submissions of my script and works,and of course to Mr Wong,who has to rush through my uber late submissions and burn the midnight oil so as to return to me on time,filled with constuctive comments,the next day. PW really sucks,and it's just so we are the last suay batch again. The kiddos after us will no longer have to go through this mindless suffering of meeting deadlines and cracking their brains to think up of ridiculous,theoretical ideas that ain't gonna be carried out anyway. What shit man?

*sighs* I better stop blogging,can hear my cue cards screaming,"Hey fuck you! Pick us up and start your fucking rehearsal or you would just fucking shit in your pants during your OP tomorrow!" Yeah,whatever man. Fuck yourself la,damn PW.

Broken dreams

What do you do when the world crashes around you-just from hearing the bad news you have sort of expected but still dreaded to hear? Nothing. You just have to stick it out and move on with life. Killing yourself would be too stupid a thing,because,hey,life is worth more than just that,and it's not worth it somehow. No way. Moping around and suffering from major emo drawbacks would be the most viable option I guess. Sit around with a huge moon face and think think think,sometimes consuming yourself and others around you in those killing thoughts of yours,or just being listless and spaced out in every daily activity,again with your mind and heart working overtime to cope with the major emotional bomb. Ah,such things do happen to everyone at some point of their life,no matter how super-uber happy they may appear. So,it's not just you.

Today's the first day I started running since that bad,embarrassing fall of mine,and man,it felt good. Hours after hours spent on the dull elliptical machine has nearly made me as gray as itself,and being able to run outdoors in the cooling breeze is really a fresh awakening.

The wound's starting to itch,oh-so-unbearably,and I long to scratch scratch scratch it all off. Ah,but that would have been disastrous and I probably would have to spend another week limping around on my blood-leaking leg,and stay off from hockey practices,which I so badly need now,before the game on the 5th. Some of the scabs have peeled themselves off though,and I can see the raw pink skin underneath,cute! They look so innocent and fresh,totally uncorrupted by and unexposed to the dirt of the outside world,awww...But the urge to peel scabs is so great! The feeling is damn shuang,and I already got a queue of people wanting to help me do it: Sarah,Li Yin,my brother...Sorry people,the honours goes to myself,for enduring the pain of the injuries!

The pain that you feel,
but can't touch.
A pain you know of,
but can't explain.
A pain so fierce,
you go insane.
The unknown pain
that clutches your heart
and burns in your soul.
The pain in your life,
too strong to carry on.
The unknown pain
that clouds your mind
and devours your every thought.
The pain of broken promises and broken dreams,
is a pain that's unheard of
and a pain that's not seen.

How does he know???

Beware of Tan Yew Hwee...He who possess the eyes of a hawk and ears of a dog(hey! it rhymes...!). Walk around anywhere in school and his eyes are bound to be steely fixed on you,casting an ominous sense of dread and terror in any unfortunate case you happen to do something he feels is wrong. You cannot see him,but he is watching you closely,ready to pounce on you once something goes just a little bit awry.

He actually caught Megan and I "jay-walking" on the road just outside VJ,but hey,we had no choice! The road to the zebra crossing was bloody under construction,and we had no normal road to walk on except across,so we jsut did what every normal human being would do-cross the road! And there wasn't any cars around,I can vouch for that,yet later during training he came to us and grabbed each of our ear in his hands and chided us for crossing the road carelessly. How the hell did he know? He can't be driving...I swear there wasn't any cars around! Walking to school maybe? Hmm...an enigma indeed.

And today he caught me limping to school,though it seemed pretty deserted at the time when I came. I was nearly late for my freaking mock Chinese test,so I was forced to quicken my pace,and when I speed up my poor leg tends to complain,so it became a sort-of half limp. But how did he see? From PE dept? His eyes must have been damn sharp man! *sigh* He remains a mystery in VJ yet to be solved...

Hello leg...!

It's weird to have people greeting my leg before greeting me. It's almost as though it's a natural response to glance at my leg,before finally looking up and going,"Oh hi Michelle!" And for random people in school or on the streets,one glance is not enough,two or more can then whet their appetite of seeing pus-filled,blood-caked wounds. There are those who don't just glance,they STARE. It's like their eyes are pinned unmovingly on my leg,unflinching,unless they sense me staring back at them with a,"Yes? You got a problem with that?" look,or when I simply pass beyond their line of vision. *shakes her head*

Many thanks though,to those who showered their endless concern-Faith,who stops me from walking around too much,Xiang,who constantly wishes me,"Take care" in a very sad tone,and Siew for her warm messages. I will be fine guys,not to worry,and soon will be up and running crazily around again! :)

I have depression-I admit,
Admit that I have been depressed,
Thinking how much I wish I could be happy,
Thinking how much I want in life,
Thinking how much you can miss someone you love...
When I look back,
I can see how much this depression has been there in my life.
I need it to be fake,
I need it not to be true,
Yet again its true that I'm depressed,
and it makes me sad on the inside and the outside.
My depression has caused me to see how sad I can be,
How it makes me feel,
How it makes me think of cutting and suicide.
But,we are all humans,
And we have all have something to overcome.
I will overcome this depression once and for all,
I will fight back somehow!
This depression I will get rid of someday,
But for now,I have to deal with it.

My leg...oh my leg...!

Okay,I can conclude I'm one of the most clumsy and accident-prone people on Earth. No kidding. I MUST sustain a major injury at least once every few months,and each time,it's a torture to both body,soul,and the people around me *grins*

This time,though,it sounds really really dumb. I fell into a drain. I'm serious. I happened to be walking along this really dark road lined with uncovered drains that reach right up to my knees,and under the dim glow of a distant street light,the chasm looked like a patch of dark green grass. Ah,so without really looking carefully,I just planted my left leg on top of the "grass",and hey presto! Three sets of scabs that looked as though some damn fierce alley cats got seriously pissed at me for tresspassing their territory or something. Damn. How fucking embarrassing. It was funny at first,knowing I FELL INTO A DRAIN,but when the pain started setting in,it was no longer funny. It was this slow,stinging pain that seared right from the scraped skin all the way to the raw,bloody interior. Yeah,OUCH. I then started sniffing,which turned to full-blown tears cascading uncontrollably. I immediately thought of calling my brother,who is most probably still out now with a car,but ring ring ring and no answer. Okay,so I had to limp to the bus stop,and once under the lights,I got to see how fucking disgusting the injuries were. Bloody,mixed with unknown whitish body fluids that just kept dripping and streaming...ewww! And the pain,oh the pain,it was just unbearable man!

I was like,really biting my lip when I finally got on the bus and all the while there was this insupressable urge to burst out screaming from the pain. Somehow,I managed to hold it all in until I reach home and got my mum to attend to it,and boy,did the screams come! Look at how bloody the wounds were! *shudders*

Many thanks to everyone for your concern,after seeing my big mummified leg...Ahhh,though the most common reaction was,"Which guy were you looking at?" Haha,ironically,I wasn't looking at anything,that's why I couldn't see the drain!

My mum just removed the gauze and bandage a few minutes ago...and fuck it!!! It hurts like the dickens...as in really really hurts! She had to be slow in removing the stubborn gauze that stuck like glue due to the dried blood and pus and whatever disgusting liquids...UGH! And hey,looks what under all that crap...no wonder it hurts so bad. It still hurts now though,after she put this thick whitish antiseptic cream that looked sickeningly like mayonaise. Hmm...mayonaise and sardines in tomato sauce? Not bad an analogy...

In search

Seems like this font is much easier to read than the previous eye-popping Times font...haha sorry for only realising this after nearly 70 posts!

Lately it seems I have been doing alot of thinking. Not just any normal kind of thinking,nor those exam-type of thinking,but just a deeper form of thinking which usually has alot of reflections. I question the big issue of trust and friendship. What really defines true friends? Those who possess the idealistic virtues of loyalty and trust and love? I suppose so. But it's really heartbreaking to realise that friends you trust so much and tell everything to are actually capable of using what you have divulged against you and start forming biased perceptions. You told them because you think they won't turn against you. However,people are always biased. Fuck my luck to have trusted people who are already closer to your adversaries,so no matter how you try to convince them to believe your side of the story,which is,in fact,the truth. Too late,they have already some biased feelings against you and there is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear with the unfair treatments. Whatever man,fuck trust. I learnt never to open my mouth so much around those people anymore...it's just going to contribute to my downfall in the future. In front of you they may act all nice and trusting,"I promise I won't tell anything. No worries. TRUST ME." Yet who knows behind your back they blabber everything you have said. Fuck. Backstabbing is by far one of the worst things one can do to another,especially after the planting of so much trust. But...*sighs* life shouldn't be wasted on dwelling over such things,it's simply not worth it. There are many things to be happy about! Like what I have been constantly urging Megan(though I myself felt like shit many a-times...ah,I'm just so superficial!),we must stay strong and opptimistic throughout no matter how bad things have become,because,if we were to look at what we can gain from the downfall,it's really not that bad after all. It's all in the mind man.

Emo emo emo...it's going out of control! Unknowing tearing on long,lonely bus rides home,frequent heart wrenches throughout the day,sudden loss in interest in things,snappy attitude towards parents...*sighs* Mood swings? Nah,it's just an excuse to say mood swings are the main cause. I just don't like facing up to the real situation and accepting it,ah,but there's really no choice! *shakes her head*

Went to NJC's Cest La Vie yesterday after training. Expected it to be a super huge event,but was very disappointed at the dismal turnout and the general lack of enthusiasm and cheery atmosphere. I mean,it's supposed to be an end-of-year concert! Come on,there ought to be more life and fun! And ironically,Cest La Vie means something along the lines of "That's life!" Hmm... But I'm just glad that I got to catch up with my giant friend Long Hao and of course my wonderful,lovable squashers. I love you guys!!! Felt really nostalgic seeing them again,though it's not the whole team...only Joanne,Ben and Chris. but it's still better than nothing. Aww really missed you guys! And the bittersweet feeling of walking under the staircase through the dusty,secret passageway leading to the oh-so-familiar squash courts where I practically spent my entire 3 months of NJ existence,just hanging out with great squashers,sleeping,training,and of course,playing squash. And when I held the racquet for the first time since March,to play with Chris,I just felt like crying again. Somehow I just wonder what will I turn out to be like if I had stayed at NJ instead of moving to VJ. Squash,not cross-country. No hockey. Grey uniform. Haha,I really can't imagine. Anyway,I played a damn cool game with Chris(even though I got thrashed badly,but hey,I haven't played in ages okay?) and the feeling of swinging that racquet against the little black ball and sprinting wildly around the court(I played in my uniform by the way...ugh!) and nearly crashing into each other...it just rekindled my love for squash and made me realise how much I missed playing it. Aww...*wipes tears* I may even consider joining squash! But,that would mean 3 CCAs,and all sports...Lots of coping to do! *starts her train of thoughts again*

Cross girls trip

The first time we cross girls(year ones) went on an overseas trip,unattended by any teachers,but under the supervision of Megan's dad and Siew Min's mum. What fun it was,though it was exhausting through and through. We gathered at Mega's place on Sunday morning,and her dad drove all of us straight to Malaysia. But we were kinda early to meet Siew's uncle,so we just hanged around City Square,a Malaysian version of Plaza Sing,maybe just a bit bigger and with very different shops selling odd merchandise and the like. Meg and Sarah shared this huge XXL Shihlin fried chicken,and it was so tough for them for the vendors refused to cut it for them,even under request. Against their religion or just plain lazy? *shrugs her shoulders* We then met up with the driver who was to lead us to the resort,and on the way I just conked out with Meg while Siew and Sarah watched X-men 3 on the mini TV. Haha,too bad they couldn't complete the whole show-we arrived faster than expected.

Lunch at the golfers' cafe,ate so much:caesar salad,some of Sarah's mee rubus and Siew's nasi lemak,plus this really cool grass jelly and coconut drink. YUM! We then checked into our sprawling villa just 5 mins drive from the main resort,and what a cool place it was! It was just a whole villa to the six of us,with so many bedrooms and beds,and the best thing of all,we can turn on all aircons and leave them on throughout the day! *grins* Rested for a while,then went bowling at this really small but private alley. Keep it up,Meg! She really improved after a few games,form the perpetual "longkang" shots to 8-pin and even spares...Not bad not bad! Siew was the best bowler among us four girls,and we could see why-her mum was silently fantastic! *claps*

Horse riding was next-the main activity of this trip. We drove to this horse riding ranch and met again with Siew's uncle,who was to coach us on the basics of horse riding and the different techniques to ride a horse. But we were unfortunately too captured by his litter of uber uber cute puppies...Oh my gosh...just take a look and them and you can't help but cuddle and squish and play with them all day long.And Meg was forever crooning,"Oh so cute...!" Just a pity they were really dirty for they are allowed to roam freely on the dirt-covered ground.

Aww...aren't they cute?

We eventually got down to learning how to horse ride. The horses are damn cute too...just their sheer sizes make them not as lovable as the small little bundles of fur. Really tame too,these former race horses. Black,brown,white,small...they come in all colours and sizes. Altogether there were 8 of them,enclosed in stables. My training horse was the only black one,and supposedly the tamest and oldest among them all. It is the one used frequently to give rides for small children and old people.

The session was rather fun,though it hurt alot when the horse broke into a trot-it just bumped my ass up and down on the oh-so-hard saddle,and even worse,we had to try really hard to keep in rhythm with the bouncing by using our knees and going up and down,up and down,up and down...It's like doing 20 sets of half-squats man! *shudders* But overall it was fun when you get the rhythm right,it just feels like bouncing on air(pardon the bad analogy).

Dinner after that was a whoo-hoo cool 10 course seafood fare,and all of us just gorged ourselves like there's no tomorrow. Seems like an exhausting round of horse-riding really emptied our stomachs. Gosh,the cheese crabs and Thai-Pan style butter prawns were really great,together with the fried squids and steamed fish...everything was just so fresh and so nice...and the ambience was rather cool too-we ate on a kelong at the sea! Everyone felt like bursting after that,and we just got around comparing how much our tummies have bloated out over our pants! *laughs* Feeling fat but contented,we headed back to the freezing villa(no kidding...the room Sarah and I shared was set at a biting 15 degrees!). That night was just about the best thing for me during the trip. Meg and Siew came bundling into our room,and the four of us had a great time gossiping and laughing(hell lots!) and basically having one of the best bonding sessions ever. We talked about everything and anything,school life,personal lives,guys(but of course! *winks*) and knowing so much more about one another while roosting ourselves among the really puffy and warm comforters of the beds. Love ya all gals,thanks for such a great time! *hugs*

Woke really early the next day to go running with Meg's dad. What an invigorating run! The route was a refreshing change from the boring routes around my house and ECP,and the weather was just perfect-abit dewy and cloudy with not so much of sun. Meg's dad was a real sporting running partner too...he paced me the whole time and seemed to be doing intervals! We got back after about an hour,and then headed for breakfast at the clubhouse again. It was a buffet spread with great roti prata(ah...but it's so fattening!*pouts*) and baked beans and bread with marmalade and all the other usual spread of buffet food. We didn't eat too heavily as horse-riding was up next. Like before,we had a short training session before we each got a horse and headed for the much anticipated jungle trail. It was an hour-long trail through the vast forested land and plantations surrounding the ranch,and it would have been damn fun if I had not been so exhausted! I was literally having a shut-eye atop the horse,and nearly fell off! *shakes her head* The scenery was perfect-a verdant spread before your eyes,coupled with the serenity of the calm forest.

We were supposed to go swimming after that,but in the end it rained,so we decided to eat lunch instead and go home after that. Everyone was just totally knocked out-we fell asleep the moment our butts landed in the car. It was a quite satisfying sleep,though not enough to satisfy my piggish cravings... *snorezzz* When I reached home I fell asleep right away-again-this time on my mum's comfy king-sized bed. It had been a great two days,no matter how exhausting they were,and I truly treasured the bonding times with my fellow crossers/friends.

School today,with Chinese lessons for us poor losers to start off the day with a "bang" *rolls her eyes*. Chinese test after test,work after work...fuck. It could really suck after some time. Bleah. Guess we just have to get over with it sooner or later. Blame it on my fucking decision to drop higher chinese in Sec 1. Smart choice huh? Just like how I dropped KI and have to get stuck with Maths. Argh,fuck it,better stop reminding myself before I do something really bad...

Got back the last two of my papers for promos. Nothing good la...no improvement despite feeling I had studied my ass off this time around. Just like mid-years I got all Ds...except for a slight improvement in Geography from an S to an E now. But nothing wow about it la...disappointing in fact,considering I studied the hardest for Geog! :( Ah but I should be glad I'm spared from the tortures of having to study for R-papers,and that was my initial goal for this promos anyway...so cheers,goal accomplished!

Got really emo later during the day...all the really ugh feelings just keep swimming back uncontrollably. Thank god for the tough 8X1.2 cross training and hockey,at least something for me to focus on without having to think about about the mental pain. Fuck. And I have to constantly force myself to be all cheerful and optimistic when consoling my friends over their own troubles when I'm already like fucking dying and maybe even rotting inside...how superficial of me! But at least there were a few moments of "highness" for me...throughout the whole interval *small smile*. The days are really wearing away and time is like so not on my side man...agh fuck it! Then as if on cue,the heavens just poured like mad,as in,seriously,as though everything is emptying itself out up there. How symbolic the rain and gray skies are of my own innermost feelings-turbulence,gloominess,depression...Ah,get a fucking grip of yourself,gal,you can't keep going on like this or else you will just die next year(I know). Amen to that. *sighs*

Too much time...!

Before promos,it's like everyone's rushing about and busying themselves with imprinting the entire contents of their notes into their minds,and they were simply too occupied to do anything else. And that's when all the to-do lists after promos come out,like "I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that," and we would all sit around and imagine how good it would be if we can just stop our mindless cramming and do what we want to do so badly. Yet,now that promos are over,it seems we have too much time on our hands that we complain of nothing to do. As in,we are seriously a bunch of bored people who take joy in nothing but sleeping and thrashy gossips about everything ranging from perfumes to eccentric characters like Mr Harris and Mr Cook. And it doesn't help that almost all our teachers constantly cancel our tutorials! How ironic of me! If they had done that just a few months ago,I would have been crazy with glee,but now I'm like,"What the fuck...? More time to do nothing again?" Ugh,reaching a state of ennui...Spent nearly four hours stoning at the stone tables(how apt!) and watching the rest of the happy world pass by to their tutorials and lectures,sometimes listening to MP3 at full volume till my eardrums start ringing,sometimes spacing out at the piano while Faith and Eunice tinkle happily on the keys,sometimes sleeping rather fitfully on the stone-hard(well duh! It won't be the stone tables for nothing...) chairs in an uber uncomfortable position and getting painfully roused by certain cries and wails...It must have been the most boring time of my life! What exactly did I come to school for? 15 mins of Econs lecture,just to collect my paper and of course,training. But otherwise...sigh,forget it.


How "suay" we were today! Always the first to kena sai kang...Faith,Eunice and I happen to walk out to 7-11 for a much needed boredom-breaking breather when we got stopped by the security guard to "do a favour". And guess what it turned out to be? Taking down the huge open house banner just outside the gate,with the brick-heavy poles and all. The strings were so securely tied,the banner was somehow nailed to the poles,the wood shoved splinters into our hands,the sun was beating down hard on us,the whole thing was infested with red ants,weird bugsy,fragmenting cocoons and surprise surprise!-a lizard that ran all over my arms leaving behind a soft,squooshy feeling. *shakes her head* And amidst all that shit,that damned guard just sat on his heavy bottom,with his legs splayed out,on his huge comfy chair under the shade,and-best of all-combing(yes,COMBING. don't ask me why) his eggshell-smooth BALD head! Infuriating sight,I must say. We poor girls doing a job which Jancy asked him to do! But sigh,what the hell,let's just say,we did someone a favour today,and that should be rewarding enough.

Time is really running out! It sucks to see the days slip by and knowing what awaits at the end. *splinters and fragments* It's like,there's so much I want to do,but there is just no opportunity anywhere and anytime,and it's just so ARGHHHH to sit and watch time tick on without being able to do anything. Why oh why? It's just so cruel man...and this is like one of the worst feelings to have!

The pain that you feel,
but can't touch-
a pain you know of,
but can't explain.
A pain so fierce,
you go insane.
The unknown pain
that clutches your heart and burns in your soul.
The pain in your life,
too strong to carry on.
The unknown pain
that clouds your mind
and devours your every thought.
Oh the pain of broken promises,broken dreams
the pain that's unheard of
the pain that's not seen...

Look up in the clouds...

...and see the brilliant light filtering through like fingers of gold. Beautiful picture that is inherent of a thousand implicit meanings *hint hint:lit students* It's like releasing a gush of water from a previously clogged tap,or letting out rank air from an overstretched balloon,or opening the doors of an examination hall after the final paper and having throngs of students squeezing out. The idea behind it? Read between the lines and the similar motif among all three scenarios is indeed obvious,like white dots among a sea of black.

Trust, earned or lost
Do you have it from the beginning?
Do you earn it,
does it take long?
I think trust is earned and lost,
it must never be questioned...
For questioning trust is questioning your friend
If you have to question your friend
did you ever really trust them to begin with?
If trust is lost, will you ever get it back?
Will you ever be close to that person again,
will you ever hear their secrets?
How will it ever be the same again?

I understand what you mean Sarah,truly understand. Haha,yeah,it's like an epiphany that just kicked me in my head so hard,like how Jon Heng popped the floorball on my leg and left a red spot. Tough as you put it,it seems like the only way to go if I want to continue surviving in this increasingly warped world. What separates one fucking extreme from the other? Nothing but a thin line,as thin as that of a feeble guitar string. Guess I have to wake up and be more realistic,instead of forever trying so desperately hard to see the good-and mostly,fucked-up superficial-sides of people,when their actions are so blatantly screaming in my face...Whatever happened to the simple fundamentals that used to help build strong friendships? Where did those fucking values go? Honesty,love,TRUST. Fucking trust. And with that comes the oh-so-evil betrayal...how apt that behind every virtue is bound to have a totally screwed "non-virtue". Fuck that. Fuck betrayals and betrayers alike. Just so they can be the first to-wow-sensationalise things? Yet cowardly hide their betraying countenances behind loads of bloody promises and vows? Fuck you,all yer cowards...

Enough of rolling in useless waves of self-realisation-time to live life the non-fantasy way...oh,but not before I complete the last thing I have and want so badly to do. Friday? It will come...bring your positive energy to me Sarah,and let's do it...no more face to throw away anyway...! XD

Open what house?

Bleah. Even TYH feels that the atmosphere ain't there,as compared to the previous years. Sure,lots of preparation and work was put into setting up the booths,pasting the posters and preparing the various performances,but there just isn't this "oomph" factor. And that was kinda reflected in the dismal number of people,as Phy puts it,"one-third of the past year's crowd",and was worsened by the bakingly hot weather and exhausted organisers. Plus,the stressed out Sec 4s are just two weeks from their final showdown,and many may choose to stay at home and mug for the last stretch of their four year journey. But whatever it is and no matter how it turns out,I'm sure everyone did their best and at least enjoyed certain parts of the day.

Cross outing yesterday...it was fun despite the obvious tension,but no blame on anyone,and just glad that everything is fine now. It was especially "bonding" when the five of us sat in a circle outside Marina Square,at one of the jutting out platforms and contemplating how painful it would be if it breaks off and all of us would be sent into a tumble onto the concrete and stone below. Ouch. Crazy thoughts from a bunch of crazy crossers who were just looking for a fun time out,being deprived of a movie and of bowling. Haha. In the end we just ended up talking about everything and anything under the sun-or rather,the moon,oh and the stars *looks at Jon Tan and Sarah*-and just simply getting a bellyful of laughs from everyone. Such a simple thing yet it did help bring us much closer. *smiles* Thanks to all crossers who made it,love ya all,for making it so meaningful...We rock man,haha. XD

I totally love Avril's current hit single,"when you're gone" with the hyper emo lyrics and detailed descriptions which fit current situations-how apt! It just wrings one's heart out and sends tears cascading uncontrollably...*wipes her eyes*

Heave a sigh of relief

Over. Officially over...no more tag-along,dangling,irritating Chinese paper following up behind the gush of heavy content-based subjects. *sighs* Not that it was an easy paper,but heck,when it is the last paper,you basically just want to get it over and done with,and who gives a damn about how tough it was?

Promos were...well...better than mid years for most papers...but there were still some head-scratching moments,like whether graphs were supposed to be drawn for certain ambiguous questions,and whether the personna was about birds or humans blah blah...Sheesh,guess it's too late to think about it,now that it's over yeah?

First day of training yesterday,after Chinese paper and made to whack 10km time trail. Ahh the starting off was really tough,all of us were like chionging man! And just push push push all the way...But again the feeling after it was really cool...like YEAH MAN I COMPLETED IT!

Thanks Sarah...oh my gosh thanks lots for accompanying me when I went to get my dose of natural "highness" situated at the canteen. It was really good,that feeling,and it's like a whoosh of exhilirating feelings that have been repressed so long...all the old,nostalgic feelings just kept bubbling to the surface,and tell ya what,it just felt good man. Ahh those good old days-I have yet to give them up! And I will not forget. If given a chance,I would have carried on with that "highness",just missed it sooooo much! I never realised that till now...oh...and it's going to be gone real fast,like sand slipping out of the grasp of my fingers uncontrollably. I can't help it,and neither can it stay. Guess everything's got its passing time yeah? *sighs* Anyway all the best for your "umbrella guy",hope everything goes out fine. If it doesn't,don't despair,and know that at least you have tried and there's nothing you can do on your part. It's better than regretting not doing anything and just keep waiting and waiting hopelessly you know...getting an answer is always better,trust me,I know how it feels to be in limbo,like at Dante's purgatory. It sucks.

Dali's work...freaking intriguing!

Slowly,slowly,just a bit more...

Okay,I have to admit,it's really fast. I mean,exams have barely started,but...it's gonna end. Just one more literature paper...we can do it guys. ONE MORE PAPER!! Three more excruciating hours with sore butts,freezing arms,breaking fingers and worst of all,squeeze dried brains. Cool.

Pray that Mr Harris won't repeat history and set some really random poem with the words of "muchness","parcel" and "brown fruit" in it. *hint hint* All the way...time to study the Great texts...

Regrets...

To err is human. Raise your hands anyone who has yet to make a mistake in your life,and then regret like hell after that. The feeling of regret really sucks-literally and metaphorically. It just has this draining effect on you-whenever your life seems to be turning up towards a rare shaft of hopeful light,your brain inevitably warns you not to be so happy yet(damn you,brain) and make you think of all the mistakes you have made...then the furtive creep of regret just edges into your heart,dimming the brightness which lasted only for a pathetic few seconds. *sighs* To me,mistakes have been made repeatedly in terms of subject combinations(a bit anti-climax yeah? WHAT mistakes were you thinking?! tsk tsk). The stupid move of dropping Higher Chinese in secondary school because of the heavy sense that I would not be able to cope with the hefty demands of the subject. but,what the hell,I took Higher Chinese in primary school and had no problems with it! What drove me to such a dumb decision was beyond comprehension. And now I have to suffer the consequences of a childish,short-term decision:offering Chinese in JC. Damn. How sucky it is to see the rest of the class sprawled happily around the stone tables while we five "Cheena LOSERS" trudge grudgingly to the hyper-ululated classroom to face an entire hour of God-bless-me Chinese lessons! Thank goodness the teacher's an angel-humourous,patient and extremly forgiving,with both eyes closed. That's the only merit to compromise for the lesson,at least.

Onto the worst mistake that I'm still grieving like hell over now-oh how my heart bleeds and how my hands ache to whack my dumb head till it falls off in a tumble of hair,brain tissues and skull fragments,and my eyeballs to jolt out in pools of semi-gelatinous substance...Much more stuff I feel like doing to kill myself,ugh. WHY THE FUCK DID I DROP KI? Oh bloody hell,it's such a torture to think about it now. KI was really interesting,with Mr Ixer's humour and eccentricity,and his mind-boggling "What if"s that screw your cells inside-out. But most of all,it's my gateway to dropping the evre-evil maths,with its torrents of numbers and spidery graphs,its endless domains and most evil of all,the terrible Graphic calculator,which always turns its much abhorred glare on me and gives me graphs that look as out of place as a number in the middle of a word-filled text. *sighs*

Why oh why? Regrets...

From time to timeI have the sad
eyes of knuckles
The sad skin of
burnt rubber on the street
The sad word of yellow
Sad cold of concrete.
From time to time
I have the moist
breath of moss
The tiny prick
of tiny things
Drowned in a blood of hair
Grown in valley of skin over.
The woe is me
of my wanting
something secretly
to seek in
To kill my last sad emotion.