In search

Seems like this font is much easier to read than the previous eye-popping Times font...haha sorry for only realising this after nearly 70 posts!

Lately it seems I have been doing alot of thinking. Not just any normal kind of thinking,nor those exam-type of thinking,but just a deeper form of thinking which usually has alot of reflections. I question the big issue of trust and friendship. What really defines true friends? Those who possess the idealistic virtues of loyalty and trust and love? I suppose so. But it's really heartbreaking to realise that friends you trust so much and tell everything to are actually capable of using what you have divulged against you and start forming biased perceptions. You told them because you think they won't turn against you. However,people are always biased. Fuck my luck to have trusted people who are already closer to your adversaries,so no matter how you try to convince them to believe your side of the story,which is,in fact,the truth. Too late,they have already some biased feelings against you and there is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear with the unfair treatments. Whatever man,fuck trust. I learnt never to open my mouth so much around those people anymore...it's just going to contribute to my downfall in the future. In front of you they may act all nice and trusting,"I promise I won't tell anything. No worries. TRUST ME." Yet who knows behind your back they blabber everything you have said. Fuck. Backstabbing is by far one of the worst things one can do to another,especially after the planting of so much trust. But...*sighs* life shouldn't be wasted on dwelling over such things,it's simply not worth it. There are many things to be happy about! Like what I have been constantly urging Megan(though I myself felt like shit many a-times...ah,I'm just so superficial!),we must stay strong and opptimistic throughout no matter how bad things have become,because,if we were to look at what we can gain from the downfall,it's really not that bad after all. It's all in the mind man.

Emo emo emo...it's going out of control! Unknowing tearing on long,lonely bus rides home,frequent heart wrenches throughout the day,sudden loss in interest in things,snappy attitude towards parents...*sighs* Mood swings? Nah,it's just an excuse to say mood swings are the main cause. I just don't like facing up to the real situation and accepting it,ah,but there's really no choice! *shakes her head*

Went to NJC's Cest La Vie yesterday after training. Expected it to be a super huge event,but was very disappointed at the dismal turnout and the general lack of enthusiasm and cheery atmosphere. I mean,it's supposed to be an end-of-year concert! Come on,there ought to be more life and fun! And ironically,Cest La Vie means something along the lines of "That's life!" Hmm... But I'm just glad that I got to catch up with my giant friend Long Hao and of course my wonderful,lovable squashers. I love you guys!!! Felt really nostalgic seeing them again,though it's not the whole team...only Joanne,Ben and Chris. but it's still better than nothing. Aww really missed you guys! And the bittersweet feeling of walking under the staircase through the dusty,secret passageway leading to the oh-so-familiar squash courts where I practically spent my entire 3 months of NJ existence,just hanging out with great squashers,sleeping,training,and of course,playing squash. And when I held the racquet for the first time since March,to play with Chris,I just felt like crying again. Somehow I just wonder what will I turn out to be like if I had stayed at NJ instead of moving to VJ. Squash,not cross-country. No hockey. Grey uniform. Haha,I really can't imagine. Anyway,I played a damn cool game with Chris(even though I got thrashed badly,but hey,I haven't played in ages okay?) and the feeling of swinging that racquet against the little black ball and sprinting wildly around the court(I played in my uniform by the way...ugh!) and nearly crashing into each other...it just rekindled my love for squash and made me realise how much I missed playing it. Aww...*wipes tears* I may even consider joining squash! But,that would mean 3 CCAs,and all sports...Lots of coping to do! *starts her train of thoughts again*

Cross girls trip

The first time we cross girls(year ones) went on an overseas trip,unattended by any teachers,but under the supervision of Megan's dad and Siew Min's mum. What fun it was,though it was exhausting through and through. We gathered at Mega's place on Sunday morning,and her dad drove all of us straight to Malaysia. But we were kinda early to meet Siew's uncle,so we just hanged around City Square,a Malaysian version of Plaza Sing,maybe just a bit bigger and with very different shops selling odd merchandise and the like. Meg and Sarah shared this huge XXL Shihlin fried chicken,and it was so tough for them for the vendors refused to cut it for them,even under request. Against their religion or just plain lazy? *shrugs her shoulders* We then met up with the driver who was to lead us to the resort,and on the way I just conked out with Meg while Siew and Sarah watched X-men 3 on the mini TV. Haha,too bad they couldn't complete the whole show-we arrived faster than expected.

Lunch at the golfers' cafe,ate so much:caesar salad,some of Sarah's mee rubus and Siew's nasi lemak,plus this really cool grass jelly and coconut drink. YUM! We then checked into our sprawling villa just 5 mins drive from the main resort,and what a cool place it was! It was just a whole villa to the six of us,with so many bedrooms and beds,and the best thing of all,we can turn on all aircons and leave them on throughout the day! *grins* Rested for a while,then went bowling at this really small but private alley. Keep it up,Meg! She really improved after a few games,form the perpetual "longkang" shots to 8-pin and even spares...Not bad not bad! Siew was the best bowler among us four girls,and we could see why-her mum was silently fantastic! *claps*

Horse riding was next-the main activity of this trip. We drove to this horse riding ranch and met again with Siew's uncle,who was to coach us on the basics of horse riding and the different techniques to ride a horse. But we were unfortunately too captured by his litter of uber uber cute puppies...Oh my gosh...just take a look and them and you can't help but cuddle and squish and play with them all day long.And Meg was forever crooning,"Oh so cute...!" Just a pity they were really dirty for they are allowed to roam freely on the dirt-covered ground.

Aww...aren't they cute?

We eventually got down to learning how to horse ride. The horses are damn cute too...just their sheer sizes make them not as lovable as the small little bundles of fur. Really tame too,these former race horses. Black,brown,white,small...they come in all colours and sizes. Altogether there were 8 of them,enclosed in stables. My training horse was the only black one,and supposedly the tamest and oldest among them all. It is the one used frequently to give rides for small children and old people.

The session was rather fun,though it hurt alot when the horse broke into a trot-it just bumped my ass up and down on the oh-so-hard saddle,and even worse,we had to try really hard to keep in rhythm with the bouncing by using our knees and going up and down,up and down,up and down...It's like doing 20 sets of half-squats man! *shudders* But overall it was fun when you get the rhythm right,it just feels like bouncing on air(pardon the bad analogy).

Dinner after that was a whoo-hoo cool 10 course seafood fare,and all of us just gorged ourselves like there's no tomorrow. Seems like an exhausting round of horse-riding really emptied our stomachs. Gosh,the cheese crabs and Thai-Pan style butter prawns were really great,together with the fried squids and steamed fish...everything was just so fresh and so nice...and the ambience was rather cool too-we ate on a kelong at the sea! Everyone felt like bursting after that,and we just got around comparing how much our tummies have bloated out over our pants! *laughs* Feeling fat but contented,we headed back to the freezing villa(no kidding...the room Sarah and I shared was set at a biting 15 degrees!). That night was just about the best thing for me during the trip. Meg and Siew came bundling into our room,and the four of us had a great time gossiping and laughing(hell lots!) and basically having one of the best bonding sessions ever. We talked about everything and anything,school life,personal lives,guys(but of course! *winks*) and knowing so much more about one another while roosting ourselves among the really puffy and warm comforters of the beds. Love ya all gals,thanks for such a great time! *hugs*

Woke really early the next day to go running with Meg's dad. What an invigorating run! The route was a refreshing change from the boring routes around my house and ECP,and the weather was just perfect-abit dewy and cloudy with not so much of sun. Meg's dad was a real sporting running partner too...he paced me the whole time and seemed to be doing intervals! We got back after about an hour,and then headed for breakfast at the clubhouse again. It was a buffet spread with great roti prata(ah...but it's so fattening!*pouts*) and baked beans and bread with marmalade and all the other usual spread of buffet food. We didn't eat too heavily as horse-riding was up next. Like before,we had a short training session before we each got a horse and headed for the much anticipated jungle trail. It was an hour-long trail through the vast forested land and plantations surrounding the ranch,and it would have been damn fun if I had not been so exhausted! I was literally having a shut-eye atop the horse,and nearly fell off! *shakes her head* The scenery was perfect-a verdant spread before your eyes,coupled with the serenity of the calm forest.

We were supposed to go swimming after that,but in the end it rained,so we decided to eat lunch instead and go home after that. Everyone was just totally knocked out-we fell asleep the moment our butts landed in the car. It was a quite satisfying sleep,though not enough to satisfy my piggish cravings... *snorezzz* When I reached home I fell asleep right away-again-this time on my mum's comfy king-sized bed. It had been a great two days,no matter how exhausting they were,and I truly treasured the bonding times with my fellow crossers/friends.

School today,with Chinese lessons for us poor losers to start off the day with a "bang" *rolls her eyes*. Chinese test after test,work after work...fuck. It could really suck after some time. Bleah. Guess we just have to get over with it sooner or later. Blame it on my fucking decision to drop higher chinese in Sec 1. Smart choice huh? Just like how I dropped KI and have to get stuck with Maths. Argh,fuck it,better stop reminding myself before I do something really bad...

Got back the last two of my papers for promos. Nothing good la...no improvement despite feeling I had studied my ass off this time around. Just like mid-years I got all Ds...except for a slight improvement in Geography from an S to an E now. But nothing wow about it la...disappointing in fact,considering I studied the hardest for Geog! :( Ah but I should be glad I'm spared from the tortures of having to study for R-papers,and that was my initial goal for this promos anyway...so cheers,goal accomplished!

Got really emo later during the day...all the really ugh feelings just keep swimming back uncontrollably. Thank god for the tough 8X1.2 cross training and hockey,at least something for me to focus on without having to think about about the mental pain. Fuck. And I have to constantly force myself to be all cheerful and optimistic when consoling my friends over their own troubles when I'm already like fucking dying and maybe even rotting inside...how superficial of me! But at least there were a few moments of "highness" for me...throughout the whole interval *small smile*. The days are really wearing away and time is like so not on my side man...agh fuck it! Then as if on cue,the heavens just poured like mad,as in,seriously,as though everything is emptying itself out up there. How symbolic the rain and gray skies are of my own innermost feelings-turbulence,gloominess,depression...Ah,get a fucking grip of yourself,gal,you can't keep going on like this or else you will just die next year(I know). Amen to that. *sighs*