WHAT friends?

They say that true friends stick with you through thick and thin, but I personally am immensely confused by this unsupported saying. Who is that lucky to have friends who stuck with them through the thickest times and the thinnest times? Given the elusive nature, I find it so difficult to grasp the full meaning of such a miraculous phenomenon.

Maybe it is a once in a blue moon happening. Maybe it is just airy fairy theories conjured up by hallucinating idealists who had too much to drink the night before. Because the concept of true friends doesn't exist. Call me cynical, call me jaded, call me pessimistic, hell, call me anything! It won't change my solid as rock belief that the idealistic notions of friendship are but fleeting desires people tirelessly chase after, without a single inkling how futile it will be. But I have given up the chase and am satisfied with the understanding of such a stupid pursuit.

Friends who cry on your shoulder and expect you to be there for them 24/7 yet never once turn up when you need them are not true friends. Friends who abandon you and your long-organised plans to attend something else with other friends are not true friends either. People tend to sympathise with the party that is heartbroken, claiming that it is a given right for that party to go around crying on other people, and they naturally make plans to suit around that crying party. Yet they don't see the heartache of the people around that party, how they have to put up with all the changed plans, all the disturbances, all the fucking shit. And nobody cares.

Maybe it's time I start finding my own voice.

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,
Lost as a kid, lost as an adult
I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way
Lost in life every day, Lost in worry
Who am I?
I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place
Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve...

This poem makes me think...what am I really fighting for? What am I going to say when I near the end of my life and am drawing in my last breath? Can I say that this is a life well led? Or am I just going to shake my head and be drowned in the miseries of regret and "if only"s?

There are so many choices to make and so many paths to be led on to. It's at this point of time that I'm at a loss, and feel as though every single decision made will affect my life in the future. Yet, there is no knowing what comes next time. Life is a sum of all your choices. What we do now will affect what happens in the future. So...what will I choose?

Fked up day

Depression is the sorrow in your heart…
Depression is the feeling of being alone…
Depression is knowing your best isn’t enough…
Depression is knowing no one cares if your dead or alive…
Depression is the hate and anger you get when life is too hard…
Depression is when you feel like the worlds on your shoulders…
Depression is the feeling that you get when you get when you know
That what ever you do no one cares and it doesn’t matter…
Depression is knowing when you tried, tried and tried again but failed…
Depression is knowing that when you are dead
no one will even remember your name…
Depression hits hard and harder every day…
Depression is the feeling of dying slowly every day…

memory

You walked in to my life,
But just like that,
You walked back out,
Still you will be a memory-
A memory that I have created in my mind.

Still you will be a memory,
A memory that will always be locked,
Away in my heart and my mind,
I will always have a memory of you in my heart,
And I will always carry that picture of you in my mind.

Still you will be a memory.

Im running out...

Im running out things to say
[im running out of lies]

Im running out trust
[im running out of spies]

Im running out of love
[im running out of hopes]

Im running out of dreams
[im running out of silent screams]

Im starting to get tired of running toward you
so I guess Ill just start running away...

Maybe dreams cannot come through

Maybe dreams cannot come true,
but they are mountains
that give shape to the horizon,
reference points to guide us on the way
towards lands long promised us in distant Zion.

If we never get that far,
we'll be nearer for the journey we have taken,
letting the next generation see
up close the dreams they else might have forsaken.

The dreamer lives a bit beyond what is,
having had the courage to say no,
existing in a future wholly his,
revealing through his grace
where we must go.

Knowing well this world of lust and greed
in which the dream but rarely marks the deed,
none could bear to dream but for the soul
great enough to bear it for the whole.

Anger and me

Anger is a form of fear
Anger is what I’m waiting to hear
Anger is deep down inside me
Anger drives me crazy
Anger is what turns me on
Anger is what turns me off
Anger is my enemy
Anger is my pal
Anger is gonna kill me
Anger is gonna save me
Anger might just help me
Find my true identity.....................
..................Maybe?

Hate

I hate those who hate,
I hate myself for not knowing what to hate,
I hate life,
I hate love,
I hate not knowing of my upcoming strife
I hate not know of my oncoming love.

I hate those who hate,
I hate myself.
I'd stop to hate for gold of my weight,
I hate all those with excessive wealth,
I hate those who harm,
I hate those who hurt.
I hate those who use their charm,
to put others in the dirt.
I hate living as I ache,
I hate living in earth wake.

I hate people who hate,
I being the one who must be to forsake.
Those who hate,
must hate me
Because of thou hate I hate thee,
The point I must make,
Leaving myself without this weight:
is that I love to hate!
And all love hate
when you hate what they hate.

so alone

So alone in my bed
Alone listening to nightly whispers
Alone in my thoughts
Alone standing in court

Alone I stand and fight
Alone I pray for rainbow lights
Alone in the morning I awake
Alone I celebrate my joys

Alone I cry out my sadness
Alone I voice out my fears
Alone in strength
Alone in wealth
Alone in good health

Alone I try to understand
Alone I seek knowledge
Alone I share what is mine
Alone I try not to be alone
Alone when my time has come, I pass away
- Sylvia Chidi

Crazy

A shadow with me all day
No body
This is crazy, this is crazy

Notes of a scintillating flute
No flutist
This is crazy, this is crazy
Breathtaking verse on paper
I was sleeping
This is crazy, this is crazy

Vermilion laden sky
Sunrise or sunset?
This is crazy, this is crazy

Dishevelled clothes, swollen lips
You came in my dream
I am crazy, I am crazy

Or is this the only sanity?

Lonely is just one word

Lonely is just one word
chosen to represent so much,
to tell of feelings inside
that the senses cannot touch.

Lonely can be in the teardrops
on a bereaved person’s cheek,
Lonely can be in the silence of sorrows
too deep to speak.

Lonely can haunt a deserted room
that Laughter once made proud,
Lonely surrounds you when you’re alone
or finds you in a crowd.

Lonely is heard in echoed footsteps of a departing friend,
Lonely penetrates the solitude of nights
that will not end.

Lonely will not listen to the pleadings of a broken heart-
Lonely stays and torments
until new Love shatters it apart.

Alone

Alone I sleep,
And alone I wake,
Alone I dream,
And alone I ache.

Alone I live,
And alone I cry,
Alone I think,
And alone I'll die.

Alone I try,
And alone I fall,
Alone I fail,
And alone I crawl.

Alone I break,
And alone I sit,
Alone I was,
Alone I am.

And alone I'll always be.

But don't despair

Despair, if you must -
But how's it going to pull you through?
Despair, when you trust
Naught since then there's naught to do.
Despair, should you thrust
Aside your pride; your self-esteem.
And so despair, if it's dust -
The only substance that you deem.
Despair, when a gust
Of slightly breeze can break your stance.
And do despair, when lust
Is your interpretation of romance.
But don't despair, if you can care
About the plight of any other being.
And you can focus on the help,
Support, and altruistic further actions
For the seeing: be believing -
As despair will start receding
All around - simply since you found
A way to steer you clear
From the very cause of your despair!
So give to others - give them all a helping lift:
Despair, you'll find will disappear -
And that has got to be a well-deserved
And saintly gift!

What's the point of despairing over something that will never be and has never even come to be? Sometimes desire isn't enough. Sometimes determination isn't enough. What you need could be luck and the right flow of elements. Oh what the heck. Just let it go and stop fucking dwelling over it.

Lead by example

How is a diamond formed? It is subjected to immense pressure and heat and rough polishings, before is is cleaned and finally allowed to dazzle its brilliance to salivating customers. Life is like the journey of a raw diamond from the mines, right up onto the shelves of high-end retail shops.

Having a chance to talk to people of higher authority and status really does have a liberating and insightful after-effect. It makes you chew on the words, swallow them and slowly digest, not allowing anything to be passed out. It truly makes me reflect on my past life and how I have been doing things-be it my own way, or trying hard to follow as closely to the system as possible. I realised that there is no such thing as individual. Everything requires teamwork, and that strong teamwork can only be built up through much experience together. A strong team is a team that sticks together when it storms.

Your network is a reflection of yourself. How true is that? I can definitely vouch for it. What you do, your guys will soon take after you. And that's when it struck me-DUDE! It is really time to buck up and be an example to your guys. I must admit that there is immense pressure and expectations to perform, especially in the position I'm in. Everywhere I go, people are watching and dying to let rip criticisms and comments, yet I cannot let that change me. You shouldn't worry about things you cannot change, but instead, you should worry about things you can change, and yet you are not doing anything to solve it. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. People can say what they want, but if it is not constructive in any way, then heck it! I have got way more better stuff to lend my ears to.

And it is about emotional management as well. It is not easy having to control the bubbling emotions from overflowing into my speech and my actions, being a girl. But now I understand the importance and the necessity of it. Having an attitude not just affects your day, it also drags down the spirits of the people around you. And if people around me are just going to have an attitude anyway, I'm just gonna have to absorb it like a sponge, and continue treating them well. What goes around comes around. You can make use of me, mistreat my emotions, take my support for granted...I'm here for you to exploit. After all, I'm supposed to be an example. I just want something back in return-that next time you dulicate me and do the exact same thing for your guys. But when it gets too tough for you to handle, don't come back crying to me, because I can only tell you," Thats what you did to me the last time too. You have no choice but to swallow the pain like how I did..."

Food for thought. Just an honest reflection.

Back from camp

The past three days have truly been an experience-emotionally, physically and mentally. What can a course called Team Building Challenge do for you? Build the teamwork and bonding between you and your team mates, of course. Duh.

The physical challenges really pushed and many of my girls to our limits, with hours and hours of straining our bodies while surviving on minimal sleep, and exposed to unruly conditions of the harsh environment. I must say, I'm a sucker for anything physical, but having my sleep deprived was not my cup of tea. And being the pig that I am, having my normal 10 hours of sleep per day reduced to 10 hours for 3 days was over the limit. Hah. Inevitably, I fell sick, despite pumping tonnes of colostrum and drinking water enough to make a whale blush.

On the whole, TBC was anything but boring. There were so many priceless lessons to be learnt from the whole strings of activities organised. On the outside, they look pretty normal, yet the debriefs given by the instructors really brought alot of deeper understanding into helping us realise what the motive and purpose of the activity was. The best of all? There was much better communication not only within my team of people from completely different networks, but also with the other teams.

There will definitely be more posts about what I have learnt from TBC. Right now, it's time to sleep, catch up on sleep sweet sleep.

Orange Fear. All the way!

Darkness

I sit here all alone
with the wind blowing through my hair,
here I’am enclosed in a shell of my own
and no longer does anyone care.
I feel water has moved away from the bay,
and my sand castle has been washed away.
I am fully aware of the fact that I have done mistakes,
and I know that in life
there are no retakes.
The clouds of darkness are shielding me,
will an angel ever come and set me free?
I walk in the rain
so that no one can see my pain.
Will there ever be an angel
who will see to it that I no longer dwell
in the memory lane?
But the mist doesn’t seem to be clearing,
and the sadness doesn’t seem to be decreasing...
The people who broke my heart
I will no longer be needing,
and of late loneliness is all that I have been feeling.
But I have faith that the sun will shine through the darkness,
and again I will see happiness.
Though in the past people have been fake,
let’s see what life offers in its next take.

The crumbling of the world around me

I'm not sure how many of you understand the feeling-the feeling of your world crumbling around you. Or more like the feeling of having your breath knocked out of you, leaving you gasping, stumbling darkly around, unsure of anything and everything. I just got one of that bad knocks last night, when realisation kicked in, rather harshly, I must add. Before, I was drowning myslef in self-made fantasies and illusions, trying rather futively and pathetically to grasp on to the last shreds of optimism, yet like sunlight, it eluded me when the time for it to brighten up someone else's life came.

Then the darkness closed in, stifling and numbing. Yet despite its blanket wrap, my eyes were somehow opened, giving me a strange, bitter awakening, making me feel so stupid, so exhausted, so resigned...what have I been fighting for? Have the past few months been a modern day reenactment of Daedaleus, running around in circles and not being able to get anywhere? Have all the thoughts and efforts gone into chasing for something so irritatingly unobtainable? Or have I been living in a wrold of delusion so well-crafted that even I myself didn't realise it? Maybe it is time to truly let it go, and fall back into the monotony of a status quo. Mybe it is time to do a reality check and management of expectations, and let that burning desire fizz out into the frail ashes of nothingness...


Break Me
Hate me for being me,
look at me and scream
push me hard pull me back
try to crush my dream.

Tears flood from me like rain,
drowning who I used to be,
suffocating my inner self
who’s crying to be let free.

Don’t touch me-I’m too fragile.
To breath is to hurt,
my pain is my endless life
pushed face down in the dirt.

Tattooed with the scars of hate,
labelled like I’m fake,
break me for what its worth
rob me of what you take.

Slap me down when I rise,
call me for what I feel
laugh and leave me,
walk away and
sell my soul, the devils deal.

Now whats left of me is broken,
look at the scars and see:
I didn’t do this to my self
but I did let you break me...

Bottled up inside

Bottled up inside
are the words I never said.
The feelings that I hide,
The lines you never read.
You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face.
Trapped are the lies of the past
with memories that linger,
Won’t seem to go away.
Why can I be happier?
Today is brand new day.
Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hunting is not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what I’ve got.
Don’t take my love for granted
for soon it will be gone.
All you’ve ever wanted
the love you thought you’d won.
The hurt I’m feeling now won’t disappear over night.
But somehow, someday,
Everything will turn out alright.
No more wishing for the past,
It wasn’t meant to be,
Didn’t seem to last.
So I have to set you free.

Some things just aren't meant to be said-maybe it is inappropriate, maybe it is just not the time. For now, I have to be contented with bottling it up, and not let the dizzying surge of emotions overflow and influence my rational mind.

Poematric

Love-Dawn Will Darn Hearts That Are Torn
On love I have full trust
By it, my heart will not rust
It will force me to digest
And using love, I will adjust

On love I can surely rely
As love is truth not a lie
Love helps me fly Sky-high
A loveless heart is totally dry

On love I can write a thesis
As love is life’s main axis
Love can solve any crisis
Love alone can create an oasis

On love is built an Empire
As love alone can usefully inspire
Please love soon, life may expire
Enjoy love’s fruits, before you retire

On love depends a pure heart
As such a heart, only love can comfort
Greatest lessons, only love can impart
Please to love now start, time is short

On love never put the blame
By giving excuses that are lame
As you will derive only shame
Your loveless heart, use love to tame

On love never develop hatred
As such an act is not sacred
If your love account goes red
Become impure your blood and head

On love if your faith deepens
Definitely a miracle happens
As before love, lose strength weapons
Heaven exchanges all love-coupons

On love if faith vanishes
Peace to mind, time banishes
By love alone, anguish diminishes
Comforts of Heaven, love furnishes

On love lies, my whole hope
I am tied with love by belief-rope
Whether the path is steep or a slope
Love and I find in each other vast scope.

Ahhh the releasing of feelings to be poured into a emotionally settling poem. The grinding of brain juices, the itching of fingers, the poruing of sweat and blood...it is all worth the trouble seing the complete reproduction. The same feeling as a mother looking at her new-born? Or maybe like Alexander Graham Bell hearing his assistant's voice over the first telephone?

Love propels some, repels others. Here's tribute to everyone who has been touched by this prevalent,mysterious feeling.

Food for thought

Reality
If you need a place, in this reality
Just to be yourself, while everything seems awfully
To cry, to scream, to relief your heart
When you feel your world is falling apart
I will be right here, to wait and hope
And I will gently remove the rope
Which lies and tightens around your neck
Pull you away, and of course I’ll check
The light in your eyes is fading away
Turning black, turning cold, clearly with dismay
Your heart feels far away, gone to disappear
I want you to stay, I want you near
I smile at you, and try to remember
What it was like, no need to go further
Loneliness and sadness passing by
Hand in hand, with tears in the eye
Drowning in words, unnecessary pain
No need to describe, no need to complain
Your eyes are open, lightning once more
Watching, sparkling, just like before
I’ll hold you in my arms, hold you tight
Tell you, that we, together, have won this fight

Crossroads

What do you do when you find yourself immersed in the deepest crossroads of your life? You ponder as hard as you can. You weigh the pros and cons. You consult friends and family. But ultimately nothing can influence your decision as much as you yourself. What if you want something so badly yet you know deep in your heart you will not be able to achieve it? Will you still fight all you can manage for it, or let it slip past you, like the wilting of a faded flower?

DESIRE. Just how badly do you want it? Search your heart and soul, reach inside the darkest most abyssmal depths and wring out your innermost dreams. Never be afraid to dream big, beacuse the human spirit is much stronger than what you expect. It is what you have inside you, the character, that is so valuable, so priceless. So what if people around you are constantly dumping throngs of wet blankets to douse the fire within you? Rise up and fight back. Never let the shining desire within you be affected by the inexplicable circumastances that life throws at you. Ultimately, people respect you for what you have within you and not what you possess.

I'm going to get what I want. It is my goal, and nothing can stop this wild beast from tearing apart the cages imposed by others.

Back from a break

I have decided to restart my blogging life. After a long absence from the blogosphere, I return to find more inspiration in posting my thoughts and my daily doses online. Not for the purpose of letting people read, but for the rejuvenative purpose of unleashing a huge bottle of locked emotions. Maybe it is the idea of venting it out on a lifeless, unanswerable computer that really sets me ticking, or maybe it could be that there are no other avenues of release.

The consumptive, overwhelming hand of emotion reaches out and grabs me by the throat, forcefully letting the pain sear throughout the entire body and mind. Sometimes the paralysing surge of emotions is much faster and more potent than most psychologists can ever diagnose. Imagine surging deeply into a dwelth of darkness so bleak that no light can ever penetrate through, leaving one panting and grasping on to the last shreads of happiness. Imagine being suffocated daily by your own thoughts that hold illimitable dominion over everything, even external circumstances. Imagine having to dream and wish, yearn and fight, struggle and grasp, yet all you achieve is but trailing shreds of hope, bearing the tendencies of slipping out of your fingers so easily...

Spiralling deep down down down into the chasm of hopelessness destroys even the strongest man. Desire and knowing THE desire is what keeps people alive. Yet when the flaming torch of passion gets fizzled out slowly, day by day, one starts wondering if there is really a realistic, achievable hold to the once burning want. Fight on, or kill the dream? I stand clueless beyond the looming cloud of dilema, as the unfavourable circumsances close in.

They don't call it 'fight' for nothing

As the day draws near...the anticipation builds up, the palpitating heart with its steady beat forms an almost constant rhythm one can easily associate with the background drone of a rock concert, the mind, with its swimming images of tug-of-war between the optimistic angel and the pessimistic devil, both with their urging voices ringing soundly through your already cluttered mind...

They don't call it 'fight' for nothing. Obviously, like the word implies, as any common boisterous primary-educated kid can tell, there must be a certain element of force and willpower to conquer one's fears of losing. There can be no losses, only wins. There can be no downs, only ups. There can be no failures, only successes. Why fight? Oh no no, it's too violent for a girl to fight...! Girls are not created to be violent...they are so emotional, they succumb to the inevitable consequences of not fighting. But I'm going to be that FIRST girl to prove all this wrong. Hogwash. People who say girls cannot survive in an industry that fights are just so filled with what makes the grass grow green. Bullshit.

I realised my dreams. I'm living it

So long has passed, it seems I have shed the immatured, tumultous and angsty side of me. What's left? A stronger and more focused girl bordering on womanhood, with her sights set on conquering whatever curved ball life decides to throw. It wasn't easy I have to admit, having gone through the painful disappointing downs in the past few months, yet what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I learnt that only through failures can you taste the true sweetness of success. Not that I'm successful now-success is merely a state of mind and there is no one-size-fits-all standard to measure the degree of success one can achieve within one's lifetime. Yet I'm sure I'm heading towards what I have always dreamed for in my most innocent, youthful stage...step by step, moment by moment.

I'm ready...are you?