LIBERATION

Exams are finally over! What a freaking relief, oh my goodness. Finally I can read my Stephen King novels, sleep and hangout till late without the accompanying sense of guilt that sits at the bottom of my heart like a stone.

For this month of December, it will be work work work, party party party and chilling chilling chilling. No lectures, tutorials and exams. Peace out!

New environment, new people, new things to do. Stepping out of my comfort zone won't be easy but it will be a challenge that I should willingly undertake. How often do such challenges come my way and I reject them? It's my time to overcome it, and I will!

Still in my heart

It's been one month and one day since you passed away, but you are still in my heart, and you won't be forgotten. Though it's really hard to get through each day doing my own things while missing you and our times together, I'm doing it. Hell yeah, I'm doing it! Something that I thought would be insurmountable one month ago has become much more bearable now. The pain may have lessened, but trust me, you are still in my heart, and always will be.

I try day and night to black out the scene of your passing, and all our last days just living life to the fullest, but they just keep replaying. It's even harder to walk past the places we have been, and see other friends having so much fun, while I stand alone, sometimes with your brothers, and mourn the empty space beside us. The space that no one can fill except you, Stan the Man.

Do I have regrets? I would be lying if I said no. But I'm at least consoled by the fact that I said whatever that was in my heart, and left nothing unspoken. I guess the biggest regret anyone could have is seeing your best friend slip away before your eyes, and having so much buried words in your heart that can never have the chance to be spoken ever again.

From now onwards begins my task of fulfilling your last wish: Not to cry and grief for you anymore, one month after your death, and to move on with life being happy. Not even one tear can be shed. I'm finding that insanely difficult, but it's your last wish after all, and I'm going to fulfill it.

I love you, Stan.

Enlightenment

Courage is not a strong cry of valour at the end of the day, it is a small voice that says,"Let's try again tomorrow."

Amazing. I'm glad I met up with Nelson, my junior and support and friend from way back, during my crazy debating days. We were both amateurs to the world of high-class night life and chill out venues, so we just let our roaming instincts take the stage. And I'm glad we did! Because we ended up in one of the most beautiful places in Singapore, the river that stretches past Fullerton Bay Hotel and One Fullerton. Yes, I have been there before during my wild days clubbing at The Butter Factory, but never had I gone there with the sole intention of just chilling and taking time to enjoy the scenery. Not much of a natural environment, but more of a constructed, concrete jungle environment, which is gorgeous in itself.

Then we went to The Lantern, a rooftop bar at the top of Fullerton Bay Hotel, a highly romantic and surreal place to just lie back and relax. However there seemed to be more patrons than staff, and service was brief and slow. For most of the time, we were ignored and left to our own devices. Of course we seized the opportunity to revel in the brilliance of the night scene from way up high, and took pictures as visual mementos to engrave our visit to this beautiful place. There was an infinity pool too!

The best part of the night, I must say, was spent lounging on the inviting couches placed strategically at the lobby and just talking and enjoying each other's company. I haven't seen Nelson for over a year, and boy, he really surprised me with his maturity and insights into life. How much he has changed! From the impulsive, emotionally unstable kid so prone to verbal diahorrea and charged outbursts to a man who has been handed shit, taken that same shit and turned it into a pot of gold. that's just what he has become, and I'm so so proud of him. His life lessons managed to bring me out of my disenchantment with this life, and helped me gained a sense of self-worth that is grounded upon self-assurance and not on complacency or over-confidence, thus solidifying my notion of a "purpose", which should have been intrinsic all along. But apparently with so much shit that has happened, I gradually grew distant from that unique trait that embodies who I am, and make me ME. I guess there was alot to take in, and I had to digest all his little nuggets of wisdom these few days, and really re-acquaint with my inner sense of being, my true form.

Thank you Nelson.

Ps. Gotta try the Green Tea Cream at the Starbucks at One Fullerton! Creamy heaven.

Halloween madness

What a crazy Halloween weekend! People, people everywhere...hey who knows? There just might be some non-humans hiding amongst the sea of zombies, ghosts, devils, Scream killers, cats, schoolgirls and other wildly innovative costumes.

I was impressed with the effort that people took to dress up and to stand out of the crowd. There was a Rubik cube, a Taoist priest, a gladiator, the Joker from the Batman movie, a policewoman and her criminal boyfriend on a real chain, hippies, gypsies and construction workers with a toolbox that read" We fix men". Ah-ha. That was really eye-catching.

But the problem of overcrowding really reached its limit and I swear never to go clubbing on festive occasions again. We could barely breathe, much less squeeze through the throngs of sweaty, heavily made-up people! So we had to contend with House music at Zirca, which can be a blessing in disguise, because it opened my heart to a genre of music I previously avoided but am now embracing. House actually ain't that bad. It's definitely from certain mainstream trashy music, and it has that entrancing quality of letting me get lost in it. It's just beats and electrifying rhythms that make me just bop around and forget about life, even if it's temporary.

Happy Halloween!

Moving on

Oh my goodness. This is probably the first time I genuinely felt happy in nearly 2 months! I FINALLY completed all my term papers and projects, and school is gonna end in 2-3 weeks time! Rejoice! No more squeezing with evening rush hour traffic and no more exhaustion-induced migraines in the middle of lectures so boring they can make you gag.

I'm moving on in life, I really am! I'm excited to start in my new jobs-totally different environments and challenges. Welcome to the real world, and out of the comfort zone that Subway has given me for the past five months. How time flies!

And I'm so relieved, was practically laughing out loud in the train on the way home. Apparently there was a misunderstanding between my project mate and me. When I first asked him how many words we have to write for our combined term paper, he text: 20000 words for a group of two. It totally stressed me out! 20000 words is like, sixty fucking pages! How can a term paper be so long?! But headstrong me decided to take it as a challenge, and went ahead with it. When I reached the 10000 word mark, my ideas and energy were sucked as dry as bone. That's it, man. No more! I can't think of anything else! So I text him back for inspiration. And guess what, folks? The word limit was only 2000 words, not 20000. OMG to the max!!! Oh, the difference that just one '0' makes! Now I'm so relieved, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

The most important thing? Be clear in your direction, wherever you are heading, before taking that first step. And no matter how far you have gone down the wrong path, TURN BACK!

Random happenings

Random thoughts and happenings and musings.

I just cut my fringe! When the scissors when snip snip snip, I had this sudden urge to shave my whole head bald. Call that a sudden burst of inspiration huh. I would rather refer it as emotional imbalance and uncontrolled impulse.

And I just bought new Bang & Olfusen speakers with double bass power and boom box special systems. Ah ha. Perfect for those nights in my room with a chilled glass of scotch and coke and just let the beats thump through my veins.

Skipped school again today, because it was raining and I felt lazy. That's it. No special reason. But hey, I managed to complete most of my projects using that time at home, so it's not a bad thing always.

I realised the only way to combat the thorn in my flesh is really to acknowledge that it is there and face it bravely, in other words, look at it and get it out. Face my fears by confronting them head-on. That's what I'm gonna do. Tomorrow. Let my crazy plan work.

If I could turn back the hands of time

If only I could turn back the hands of time.

I promise to be a better person. I promise to treat everyone better. I promise to treasure what's important and what's not. I promise not to do anymore bad things in God's eyes. I promise to lead a clean, alcohol-free life. I promise to be more serious about school and my term papers. I promise to cherish those times we had together before he was taken away from me. I promise to take Stan the Man to more places and do more things before his death.

But reality is, I can't, because it's over and there's nothing I can do to bring those times and Stan the Man back again.

Yes, I was harsh in my previous posts and I really did hate you at that moment. But isn't so much hate always the result of so much wounded love? I hated you because I really did love you. But it seems like we are just not meant to be. Nevertheless, I still believe in this virtue called hope, the only thing that keeps us sane in times like these, a ray of light we can constantly look towards.

Come back, because I miss you so.

I'm sorry for everything.

Transformation never comes without pain

Behind every cloud there is a silver lining, and for every bad thing that happens, there will be little nuggets of goodness hidden here and there, just waiting for you to look hard enough and find them. Thank You God, and thank you, you who has hurt me so much, because I'm starting to see the transformation in my perceptions and attitudes towards this wondrous thing we call life.

Whereas I used to love snuggling in my own little comfort zone and resist so badly against anything that threatens to break this ideal bubble, I now embrace different things and new situations. Challenges? Bring it on! Seemingly insurmountable tasks? Let me handle them, so I can get that sense of achievement once I tackle them and successfully conquer them.

Nothing can hurt as bad as being lied to, played around with and failed by someone you won't mind giving up your life for, someone you thought you would spend your life with. And once I recover from that setback, nothing else that comes my way seems difficult any more. Once I have conquered the seemingly unconquerable, everything else dims in comparison.

Whereas I used to thrive on other people's directions and driving, I now make my own decisions and stand on my own feet. I drive my own life, and bring myself to places I never dreamed of going. Instead of waiting and expecting you to fulfil your empty promises, I have made promises to myself, which I can be guaranteed of being fulfilled. No more waiting and failed expectations. When I say I'm gonna do it, I will do it. I won't fail myself. And I won't lie to myself either.

What the fuck?!

I don't understand what the fuck is going on...and maybe I don't care. Ignore me and then email me. What are you trying to do? Blow hot and cold? Act dumb? Still trying to play with my feelings? Whoa, wait a minute, I'm not stupid okay. Stop all these haggling shit and get on with your pathetic life. Bet you will feel the regret very soon, like cold seeping into your bones. I gave my all, and could have given more, but you didn't give me the chance to. I'm sorry my dearest, but this is a case of too little, too late.

Home sweet home!

Alight from the bus and inhale the heady air of the humid, hot night. Perk your ears and you can hear the faint beats of good old music thumping their way towards you, with the promise of an awesome time ahead. You see your fellow "compadres" strutting or ambling along in too high heels and skin tight jeans, in jovial and teasing moods, and you think,"How good it feels to be home!"

Loud music, lots of alcohol, hot guys and gals, the light buzz forming in your head. Welcome, party!

Get the fuck out of my life

Wow. You are one lucky guy. Congratulate yourself for not meeting me today, because if you did, you wouldn't have gone home alive. So that's how a player operates. But somehow, isn't that something only a girl would do? Oh wait, I forgot. You ain't really a guy to begin with. Ha.

Think this sounds harsh? Well, before you rip me off as another bitch indulging in some catty kiss-and-tell scheme, stop a while and consider this: There are two sides to every story. Do you honestly think I didn't know right from the start that you are a player? I mean, come on! I've been with more guys than you can ever imagine, many more than your supposed ex-es (I don't know for sure, it could be an egoistic instinct to brag. Isn't that what you do best?).

Do you seriously think I can't tell whether you are lying? Right from the start, I could practically SMELL the "player vibes" emanating from your skinny frame. And I know the signs and symptoms guys like you display. Sweet words, plenty of attention, showers of gifts...yet not revealing anything about yourself, your friends or your family. So it would be easier for you to disappear into oblivion once you are done playing with me. Nah, don't be too happy yet. I've got connections, networks, and friends whose loyalty far surpass anything else in this world, and through them, I can make sure you fucking die. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Are you wetting your pants yet? Shivering and stinking in your own cowardly shit? Or planning a hasty escape back to your hometown? Relax, if I really had murderous intent, I would have killed you the first time you lied to me, my dear. I'm not a murderer. Haven't been, never had the intention to be, up until I met you, actually. This isn't supposed to be a threat. I'm so so sorry, baby, but if I were you, I would be very careful of my own fucking safety, and maybe watch my scrawny ass more carefully than ever before.

Why did I still let you play me, despite knowing all your lies and games? I don't know. Call it giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I really believed you had some good in you. Maybe I still see something redeemable through the hazy blanket of lies. Maybe I was too trusting. Whatever it is, I had to be honest, you really did mean something to me, for a while that is. I gave my all, but it just wasn't enough. and you just kept lying, and lying, and lying, and hiding and hiding and hiding...But now I hate you so much I could wring your puny neck if I ever see you again. I say again, you did the right thing ignoring my text to meet today, because I was really planning to hurt you. In a way you can never fucking imagine. Haha.

And baby dear, if you want to lie, please, be a better liar. All that hogwash about your mum being in the hospital and you having to take over her business...oh please. Do I look like I was born yesterday? You are so bad at this! To be a player, you must firstly be good-looking and ooze charisma, and secondly, you must know how to lie well. But baby, I must say sadly, you fail both criteria. Ah well, guess there will always be amateurs in everything. Did I mention how fucking LOSER you were? You are so socially awkward and street dumb. Stay out of clubs and the night life, and do us all a favour please. And you are already 21. The last time I heard, 21 is the legal age signalling adulthood, which means you make your own decisions and stand on your own two feet. But baby, you are so totally dependent, it seems like you just got weaned off your mummy's milk yesterday!

To continue on your playing streak, you have to be more manly okay? Not everyone appreciates partial femininity. It's so, oh my goodness, I don't know how to describe it. Give me a moment while I laugh my guts out and roll my eyes till I can see the inside of my head. How often have I laughed AT you, not with you? I don't know. Call this my own private joke. Sorry for not telling you earlier, my dearest. Oh yes, and please save all that bullshit talk about marriage, kids, and a future together. You don't fucking fool anyone.

Hey, you should so check out this song, "Fuck you right back" by Frankee. The chorus goes something like this:

"Fuck what I did,

Was your fault somehow.

Fuck all the presents,

I threw all that shit out.

Fuck all that crying,

It didn't mean jack.

Well guess what yo,

Fuck you right back!"

How apt. Oh I miss you baby. I really really really do. Fuck yeah.

Open my eyes to new perspectives

Now I understand things better.

I believe bad things happen simply for us to see things in a clearer and less myopic perspective. It's God's way of telling us,"Hey, I want you to learn. If I were to warn you beforehand, you will never listen to me or believe me. So you have to learn the hard way."

Thank You God. I see it now. See what You have seen all along. See what You want me to see.

And I know.

IMPROMPTU

The worst feeling in the world is expecting something so much and it doesn't happen. It's the feeling of failed expectations.

But.

On the flip side, the best feeling in the world is when you don't expect something and it happens. Impromptu decisions always leave me feeling so high and fluttery.

Thank you, JJ. It was an awesome time and I don't regret that 25 bucks. After months of drought, it's amazing to finally be able to release my inner yearnings and channel that wild child energies to something so mesmerizing. Just get lost in the music and forget about this cruel life.

Sometimes the goodwill of a friend has the ability to cover the ugliest flaws of certain other people in your life. Yup, I can vouch for that.

Stay, please

Do you have more time? I plead...please stay on earth longer. I don't want you to go yet. It's too early. You're too young. It's not fair. I can't let you go. Please stay longer.

Memories...good for recollection. I shall keep them locked up in my secret treasure chest and open them only when I'm ready to face the future and not let the past come back and haunt me. But for now, I put them aside, afraid that anything vaguely reminding me of you will break the flood gates and leave me so broken, crying till my insides hurt.

Just a bit more time, please. Let me say all that I want to say to you. Please.

How much hurt can one take?

Wow. Didn't they say life is supposed to be full of ups and downs? How come it's only downs for me?

How much further down can I go?

I never knew I could hurt so much. I never knew a heart can be broken so badly. I never knew things can change so badly, so fast.

Guess I didn't know a lot of things. And I have to learn them now. The hard way.

God help me.

What is going on?

There are things which we never understand.

I just wish I could have God's omniscience and omnipotence. To know everything and do everything.

I wish people will not give up so easily. I wish the love people have for each other is as strong as the love God has for us.

I wish I can sleep tonight.

Revelations

Its what you go through life discovering.

Its what you go through life learning and treasuring.

Its what you go through life understanding.

And now I discover, learn, treasure and understand.

Life's full of surprises

Life's full of surprises, no doubt about it.

One moment it can bring you into the most euphoric of moods, drifting you upon the clouds of floating dizziness. The next moment, it throws a curved ball with a plunging parabolic motion so sudden and angled that you don't even know how to react. And somehow that feeling of being punched repeatedly in the gut won't subside.

What can we do about it? Try our best and cope. Grit our teeth and get through life as best as we can manage. Keep our eyes and mind fully occupied with productive stuff. Never let the mind idle, because it might just self-destruct and swallow itself.

Like they say, the brain is an idle monkey.

Songs=emotions?

I love how songs, the lyrics and the beats, can arouse so many emotions within. Love, hate, joy, grief...not only do emotions get tackled, memories will also be stirred up. Good, bad, provoking, peaceful...I've had it all.

But nothing beats the feeling of needing a good cry, and then the song, with the most wrenching beat and lyrics that speak right through your heart at that exact moment, comes on. And then the flood gates will be opened. And after a good cry, everything seems slightly better.

Yes. Sometimes that's all we need. A good cry.

Wall

That's what I feel I'm facing. People say life has to go on, but I can't see beyond the wall, and I'm afraid to climb it. This seemingly insurmountable task is further exacerbated by not knowing what lies beyond. Somehow there is also slight reassurance in staying within my comfort zone. Just be safe, and not face whatever is coming my way.

I can't. I won't. I must not. Break the wall.

They say that fear is what you cannot see, when your mind starts tossing around the most terrible outcomes.

I pray. I beg. I plead. Nothing bad has happened.

The power of love

Love.

The most mysterious and sought after thing in the world. It's free, yet it's so hard to earn. It can make or break people. It's what gives this life meaning, and liberates human beings from living a pointless, mechanical existence.

But love comes in so many different forms, it's easy to get led astray and believe that those silly infatuations and crushes can be love. Nowadays, people use that word so easily and frequently, it makes one wonder just how sincere they really are.

Let me tell a story of true love, adapted from Stephen King's "The Green Mile".

There was a pair of twin girls, who fit the angel stereotype perfectly to a T. Blond, curly ringlets framing their cherubic, rosy faces and azure blue eyes lit with an infinite sparkle. It was in the middle of June, and the summer heat blazed through the days and nights, making people sticky and uncomfortable. On this unfortunate night, the twin girls requested to sleep on the patio, where they would at least get some relief from the stifling heat. Who can say no to them? Sweet, slightly chiding voices with plenty of "I love you!"s and "Please, Mommy?"s. That was the last time their mother ever heard their voices.

The next morning, with the sun already high up in the sky, the brother was sent to the patio wake them up. He returned trembling, his face as pale as spoilt cheese. "They...they're gone." Search parties were immediately sent out, while investigators collected blood samples and hair to identify the time and cause of death. Not that they had to scour very hard. The whole patio and adjoining doors were splashed with their blood, already turning black and congealed under the withering heat.

A few days later, the results were out. The girls had been raped and killed by a psycho who calls himself Billy the Kid. He had recently escaped from a mental asylum and not only had the blood of the twin girls on his hands, there were also many who met their untimely fate before them. Their battered bodies were recovered from a ditch not far from their farmhouse, naked and broken.

The last piece of the puzzle has yet to fall into place. Why hadn't the girls cried out? Why didn't they scream? Tests revealed there wasn't any drugs in their bloodstream, so they were fully alive and kicking when they were brutally raped and killed. Investigators were baffled.

It was only when the authorities questioned Billy the Kid that the ultimate story of love was unveiled. Before he raped his victim, he placed a knife on her throat and told her,"If you scream or make any sound, it will be your sister that I kill, not you." And the love for her sister was so strong that she died with her mouth clamped shut.

That, to me, is what I really deem as love. Undiluted, strong, sacrificial love. And that is what I hope I can give , and have somebody give it back to me.

The pain of the wait

What is worse than hearing a definite answer "no"? I think, many a times, not knowing the answer is worse. Either a "wait" or a "not sure" makes me curl up in agony and heart-rending pain as my ever-turbulent mind imagines the worse and starts playing tricks. More often than not, I find myself worrying for nothing, but there are and always will be, exceptions.

What if one day I find my wild imaginations coming true, confirming my deepest darkest fears and leaving me to regret the rest of my life?

I regret not spending more time with you.

I regret not calling you and hearing your voice one last time.

I regret not holding you tight enough.

I regret letting you go.

I regret not saying those three special words...how much you mean to me.

I regret.

And I would give anything just to see you one more time...anything to just hear even half your breath.

What is youth?

So what exactly is youth? Being one myself, I must admit the most counter-intuitive: I don't really know. The eternal search for what exactly defines this problematic stage of growth is on. Clamped tightly between the stage of perceived innocence and the stage of diabolical cruelty is the stage of youth, also known as adolescence. As anthropologist Anna Freud(1937: 149-150) most aptly puts it,

"Adolescents are excessively egoistic, regarding themselves as the centre of the universe and the sole object of interest, and yet at no time in later life are they capable of so much self-sacrifice and devotion. They from the most passionate love relations, only to break them off as abruptly as they began them. On the one hand, they throw themselves enthusiastically into the life of the community, and on the other, they have an overpowering longing for solitude. They oscillate between blind submission to some self-chosen leader and deviant rebellion against any and every authority. They are selfish and materially minded and at the same time for of lofty idealism."

Sounds like me, doesn't sound like me. I guess Freud did a good job of summing up the stereotypical views of what constitutes youths of today, but in reality it cannot be as simple as such a dichotomy.

How about the longing to be different? The burning desire to not be succumbed to the encapsulating claws of mass culture, to stand out from the crowd and show others that I have a sense of civility intact, albeit a modicum amount. Yet I can only resist so much. How about the obligatory impositions from the society? How about all the duties and roles I have to fulfil, being confined to the many developmental cages of life?

That's it. Enough ranting and raving about my life. Wasn't I supposed to be different from my peers-no angsty complaints and emotional low-downs? Well, good try, I shall improve next time. This coming from a supposedly intellectual point of view.

A new beginning

I have lived 19 years of my life. If you ask me how I felt about it, I won't deny that I have really been very blessed. I thank God for my parents, my brothers, my friends who have watched my growth into adulthood, be it racked with the joyous triumphs or plagued with disappointing defeats. That's what life is all about isn't it?

Yet I have to say, life wasn't lived to the fullest, and I'm not going to do the juvenile whining and putting blame on others. I only have myself to blame. For it is my own life, with decisions that are made by only me, myself and I.

Now that I have made an irreversible decision to attain something permanent and un-doable, I have no regrets. I feel that I am finally taking control of my life and living it the way I want it to be. No more conforming to what society imposes on us. No more sweety pie, I'm-such-a-good-girl image.

It's my life. Whether you love it or hate it, I don't give a fuck.

Unbelievable

It's unbelievable how people you trust with all your heart and soul can betray you so easily, just for the sake of a few minutes of gossip.

Amazing.

Disappointed.

The novelty of the situation

Oh how ironic and frustrating! If only he could probe further and check deeper, he will find it! What am I to do now? So helpless and frustrated by the slowness of the situation and how so many factors are just there, seemingly deliberate in stopping this highly anticipated union. What now? What can I do? Nothing, but to wait and see how things will turn out. Cross my fingers and pray, maybe...

Let things turn out the way they should, naturally. Nothing can be done to speed things up, nor to delay or slow things down. If it is right, it is right. No point fretting over it. Come off it girl!

What I hate the most is not being able to do anything about it! I like to be in control, take things into my own hands, do things the way I want it, be independent. I hate having to leave things up to others, to time and to nature. But for this, I'm really at a loss...

Shucks.