Realised your dreams? Live them.

LIBERATION

2010-11-30T16:43:00.003+08:00

Exams are finally over! What a freaking relief, oh my goodness. Finally I can read my Stephen King novels, sleep and hangout till late without the accompanying sense of guilt that sits at the bottom of my heart like a stone.

For this month of December, it will be work work work, party party party and chilling chilling chilling. No lectures, tutorials and exams. Peace out!

New environment, new people, new things to do. Stepping out of my comfort zone won't be easy but it will be a challenge that I should willingly undertake. How often do such challenges come my way and I reject them? It's my time to overcome it, and I will!

Still in my heart

2010-11-11T23:28:00.002+08:00

It's been one month and one day since you passed away, but you are still in my heart, and you won't be forgotten. Though it's really hard to get through each day doing my own things while missing you and our times together, I'm doing it. Hell yeah, I'm doing it! Something that I thought would be insurmountable one month ago has become much more bearable now. The pain may have lessened, but trust me, you are still in my heart, and always will be.

I try day and night to black out the scene of your passing, and all our last days just living life to the fullest, but they just keep replaying. It's even harder to walk past the places we have been, and see other friends having so much fun, while I stand alone, sometimes with your brothers, and mourn the empty space beside us. The space that no one can fill except you, Stan the Man.

Do I have regrets? I would be lying if I said no. But I'm at least consoled by the fact that I said whatever that was in my heart, and left nothing unspoken. I guess the biggest regret anyone could have is seeing your best friend slip away before your eyes, and having so much buried words in your heart that can never have the chance to be spoken ever again.

From now onwards begins my task of fulfilling your last wish: Not to cry and grief for you anymore, one month after your death, and to move on with life being happy. Not even one tear can be shed. I'm finding that insanely difficult, but it's your last wish after all, and I'm going to fulfill it.

I love you, Stan.

Enlightenment

2010-11-06T15:08:00.003+08:00

Courage is not a strong cry of valour at the end of the day, it is a small voice that says,"Let's try again tomorrow."

Amazing. I'm glad I met up with Nelson, my junior and support and friend from way back, during my crazy debating days. We were both amateurs to the world of high-class night life and chill out venues, so we just let our roaming instincts take the stage. And I'm glad we did! Because we ended up in one of the most beautiful places in Singapore, the river that stretches past Fullerton Bay Hotel and One Fullerton. Yes, I have been there before during my wild days clubbing at The Butter Factory, but never had I gone there with the sole intention of just chilling and taking time to enjoy the scenery. Not much of a natural environment, but more of a constructed, concrete jungle environment, which is gorgeous in itself.

Then we went to The Lantern, a rooftop bar at the top of Fullerton Bay Hotel, a highly romantic and surreal place to just lie back and relax. However there seemed to be more patrons than staff, and service was brief and slow. For most of the time, we were ignored and left to our own devices. Of course we seized the opportunity to revel in the brilliance of the night scene from way up high, and took pictures as visual mementos to engrave our visit to this beautiful place. There was an infinity pool too!

The best part of the night, I must say, was spent lounging on the inviting couches placed strategically at the lobby and just talking and enjoying each other's company. I haven't seen Nelson for over a year, and boy, he really surprised me with his maturity and insights into life. How much he has changed! From the impulsive, emotionally unstable kid so prone to verbal diahorrea and charged outbursts to a man who has been handed shit, taken that same shit and turned it into a pot of gold. that's just what he has become, and I'm so so proud of him. His life lessons managed to bring me out of my disenchantment with this life, and helped me gained a sense of self-worth that is grounded upon self-assurance and not on complacency or over-confidence, thus solidifying my notion of a "purpose", which should have been intrinsic all along. But apparently with so much shit that has happened, I gradually grew distant from that unique trait that embodies who I am, and make me ME. I guess there was alot to take in, and I had to digest all his little nuggets of wisdom these few days, and really re-acquaint with my inner sense of being, my true form.

Thank you Nelson.

Ps. Gotta try the Green Tea Cream at the Starbucks at One Fullerton! Creamy heaven.

Halloween madness

2010-11-01T22:46:00.002+08:00

What a crazy Halloween weekend! People, people everywhere...hey who knows? There just might be some non-humans hiding amongst the sea of zombies, ghosts, devils, Scream killers, cats, schoolgirls and other wildly innovative costumes.

I was impressed with the effort that people took to dress up and to stand out of the crowd. There was a Rubik cube, a Taoist priest, a gladiator, the Joker from the Batman movie, a policewoman and her criminal boyfriend on a real chain, hippies, gypsies and construction workers with a toolbox that read" We fix men". Ah-ha. That was really eye-catching.

But the problem of overcrowding really reached its limit and I swear never to go clubbing on festive occasions again. We could barely breathe, much less squeeze through the throngs of sweaty, heavily made-up people! So we had to contend with House music at Zirca, which can be a blessing in disguise, because it opened my heart to a genre of music I previously avoided but am now embracing. House actually ain't that bad. It's definitely from certain mainstream trashy music, and it has that entrancing quality of letting me get lost in it. It's just beats and electrifying rhythms that make me just bop around and forget about life, even if it's temporary.

Happy Halloween!

Moving on

2010-10-29T21:55:00.002+08:00

Oh my goodness. This is probably the first time I genuinely felt happy in nearly 2 months! I FINALLY completed all my term papers and projects, and school is gonna end in 2-3 weeks time! Rejoice! No more squeezing with evening rush hour traffic and no more exhaustion-induced migraines in the middle of lectures so boring they can make you gag.

I'm moving on in life, I really am! I'm excited to start in my new jobs-totally different environments and challenges. Welcome to the real world, and out of the comfort zone that Subway has given me for the past five months. How time flies!

And I'm so relieved, was practically laughing out loud in the train on the way home. Apparently there was a misunderstanding between my project mate and me. When I first asked him how many words we have to write for our combined term paper, he text: 20000 words for a group of two. It totally stressed me out! 20000 words is like, sixty fucking pages! How can a term paper be so long?! But headstrong me decided to take it as a challenge, and went ahead with it. When I reached the 10000 word mark, my ideas and energy were sucked as dry as bone. That's it, man. No more! I can't think of anything else! So I text him back for inspiration. And guess what, folks? The word limit was only 2000 words, not 20000. OMG to the max!!! Oh, the difference that just one '0' makes! Now I'm so relieved, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

The most important thing? Be clear in your direction, wherever you are heading, before taking that first step. And no matter how far you have gone down the wrong path, TURN BACK!

Random happenings

2010-10-25T23:30:00.002+08:00

Random thoughts and happenings and musings.

I just cut my fringe! When the scissors when snip snip snip, I had this sudden urge to shave my whole head bald. Call that a sudden burst of inspiration huh. I would rather refer it as emotional imbalance and uncontrolled impulse.

And I just bought new Bang & Olfusen speakers with double bass power and boom box special systems. Ah ha. Perfect for those nights in my room with a chilled glass of scotch and coke and just let the beats thump through my veins.

Skipped school again today, because it was raining and I felt lazy. That's it. No special reason. But hey, I managed to complete most of my projects using that time at home, so it's not a bad thing always.

I realised the only way to combat the thorn in my flesh is really to acknowledge that it is there and face it bravely, in other words, look at it and get it out. Face my fears by confronting them head-on. That's what I'm gonna do. Tomorrow. Let my crazy plan work.

If I could turn back the hands of time

2010-10-24T11:59:00.002+08:00

If only I could turn back the hands of time.

I promise to be a better person. I promise to treat everyone better. I promise to treasure what's important and what's not. I promise not to do anymore bad things in God's eyes. I promise to lead a clean, alcohol-free life. I promise to be more serious about school and my term papers. I promise to cherish those times we had together before he was taken away from me. I promise to take Stan the Man to more places and do more things before his death.

But reality is, I can't, because it's over and there's nothing I can do to bring those times and Stan the Man back again.

Yes, I was harsh in my previous posts and I really did hate you at that moment. But isn't so much hate always the result of so much wounded love? I hated you because I really did love you. But it seems like we are just not meant to be. Nevertheless, I still believe in this virtue called hope, the only thing that keeps us sane in times like these, a ray of light we can constantly look towards.

Come back, because I miss you so.

I'm sorry for everything.

Transformation never comes without pain

2010-10-19T23:04:00.003+08:00

Behind every cloud there is a silver lining, and for every bad thing that happens, there will be little nuggets of goodness hidden here and there, just waiting for you to look hard enough and find them. Thank You God, and thank you, you who has hurt me so much, because I'm starting to see the transformation in my perceptions and attitudes towards this wondrous thing we call life.

Whereas I used to love snuggling in my own little comfort zone and resist so badly against anything that threatens to break this ideal bubble, I now embrace different things and new situations. Challenges? Bring it on! Seemingly insurmountable tasks? Let me handle them, so I can get that sense of achievement once I tackle them and successfully conquer them.

Nothing can hurt as bad as being lied to, played around with and failed by someone you won't mind giving up your life for, someone you thought you would spend your life with. And once I recover from that setback, nothing else that comes my way seems difficult any more. Once I have conquered the seemingly unconquerable, everything else dims in comparison.

Whereas I used to thrive on other people's directions and driving, I now make my own decisions and stand on my own feet. I drive my own life, and bring myself to places I never dreamed of going. Instead of waiting and expecting you to fulfil your empty promises, I have made promises to myself, which I can be guaranteed of being fulfilled. No more waiting and failed expectations. When I say I'm gonna do it, I will do it. I won't fail myself. And I won't lie to myself either.

What the fuck?!

2010-10-18T19:36:00.002+08:00

I don't understand what the fuck is going on...and maybe I don't care. Ignore me and then email me. What are you trying to do? Blow hot and cold? Act dumb? Still trying to play with my feelings? Whoa, wait a minute, I'm not stupid okay. Stop all these haggling shit and get on with your pathetic life. Bet you will feel the regret very soon, like cold seeping into your bones. I gave my all, and could have given more, but you didn't give me the chance to. I'm sorry my dearest, but this is a case of too little, too late.

Home sweet home!

2010-10-16T22:00:00.002+08:00

Alight from the bus and inhale the heady air of the humid, hot night. Perk your ears and you can hear the faint beats of good old music thumping their way towards you, with the promise of an awesome time ahead. You see your fellow "compadres" strutting or ambling along in too high heels and skin tight jeans, in jovial and teasing moods, and you think,"How good it feels to be home!"

Loud music, lots of alcohol, hot guys and gals, the light buzz forming in your head. Welcome, party!

Get the fuck out of my life

2010-10-14T18:24:00.003+08:00

Wow. You are one lucky guy. Congratulate yourself for not meeting me today, because if you did, you wouldn't have gone home alive. So that's how a player operates. But somehow, isn't that something only a girl would do? Oh wait, I forgot. You ain't really a guy to begin with. Ha.

Think this sounds harsh? Well, before you rip me off as another bitch indulging in some catty kiss-and-tell scheme, stop a while and consider this: There are two sides to every story. Do you honestly think I didn't know right from the start that you are a player? I mean, come on! I've been with more guys than you can ever imagine, many more than your supposed ex-es (I don't know for sure, it could be an egoistic instinct to brag. Isn't that what you do best?).

Do you seriously think I can't tell whether you are lying? Right from the start, I could practically SMELL the "player vibes" emanating from your skinny frame. And I know the signs and symptoms guys like you display. Sweet words, plenty of attention, showers of gifts...yet not revealing anything about yourself, your friends or your family. So it would be easier for you to disappear into oblivion once you are done playing with me. Nah, don't be too happy yet. I've got connections, networks, and friends whose loyalty far surpass anything else in this world, and through them, I can make sure you fucking die. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Are you wetting your pants yet? Shivering and stinking in your own cowardly shit? Or planning a hasty escape back to your hometown? Relax, if I really had murderous intent, I would have killed you the first time you lied to me, my dear. I'm not a murderer. Haven't been, never had the intention to be, up until I met you, actually. This isn't supposed to be a threat. I'm so so sorry, baby, but if I were you, I would be very careful of my own fucking safety, and maybe watch my scrawny ass more carefully than ever before.

Why did I still let you play me, despite knowing all your lies and games? I don't know. Call it giving the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I really believed you had some good in you. Maybe I still see something redeemable through the hazy blanket of lies. Maybe I was too trusting. Whatever it is, I had to be honest, you really did mean something to me, for a while that is. I gave my all, but it just wasn't enough. and you just kept lying, and lying, and lying, and hiding and hiding and hiding...But now I hate you so much I could wring your puny neck if I ever see you again. I say again, you did the right thing ignoring my text to meet today, because I was really planning to hurt you. In a way you can never fucking imagine. Haha.

And baby dear, if you want to lie, please, be a better liar. All that hogwash about your mum being in the hospital and you having to take over her business...oh please. Do I look like I was born yesterday? You are so bad at this! To be a player, you must firstly be good-looking and ooze charisma, and secondly, you must know how to lie well. But baby, I must say sadly, you fail both criteria. Ah well, guess there will always be amateurs in everything. Did I mention how fucking LOSER you were? You are so socially awkward and street dumb. Stay out of clubs and the night life, and do us all a favour please. And you are already 21. The last time I heard, 21 is the legal age signalling adulthood, which means you make your own decisions and stand on your own two feet. But baby, you are so totally dependent, it seems like you just got weaned off your mummy's milk yesterday!

To continue on your playing streak, you have to be more manly okay? Not everyone appreciates partial femininity. It's so, oh my goodness, I don't know how to describe it. Give me a moment while I laugh my guts out and roll my eyes till I can see the inside of my head. How often have I laughed AT you, not with you? I don't know. Call this my own private joke. Sorry for not telling you earlier, my dearest. Oh yes, and please save all that bullshit talk about marriage, kids, and a future together. You don't fucking fool anyone.

Hey, you should so check out this song, "Fuck you right back" by Frankee. The chorus goes something like this:

"Fuck what I did,

Was your fault somehow.

Fuck all the presents,

I threw all that shit out.

Fuck all that crying,

It didn't mean jack.

Well guess what yo,

Fuck you right back!"

How apt. Oh I miss you baby. I really really really do. Fuck yeah.

Open my eyes to new perspectives

2010-10-11T14:25:00.002+08:00

Now I understand things better.

I believe bad things happen simply for us to see things in a clearer and less myopic perspective. It's God's way of telling us,"Hey, I want you to learn. If I were to warn you beforehand, you will never listen to me or believe me. So you have to learn the hard way."

Thank You God. I see it now. See what You have seen all along. See what You want me to see.

And I know.

IMPROMPTU

2010-10-10T12:49:00.002+08:00

The worst feeling in the world is expecting something so much and it doesn't happen. It's the feeling of failed expectations.

But.

On the flip side, the best feeling in the world is when you don't expect something and it happens. Impromptu decisions always leave me feeling so high and fluttery.

Thank you, JJ. It was an awesome time and I don't regret that 25 bucks. After months of drought, it's amazing to finally be able to release my inner yearnings and channel that wild child energies to something so mesmerizing. Just get lost in the music and forget about this cruel life.

Sometimes the goodwill of a friend has the ability to cover the ugliest flaws of certain other people in your life. Yup, I can vouch for that.

Stay, please

2010-10-02T14:48:00.002+08:00

Do you have more time? I plead...please stay on earth longer. I don't want you to go yet. It's too early. You're too young. It's not fair. I can't let you go. Please stay longer.

Memories...good for recollection. I shall keep them locked up in my secret treasure chest and open them only when I'm ready to face the future and not let the past come back and haunt me. But for now, I put them aside, afraid that anything vaguely reminding me of you will break the flood gates and leave me so broken, crying till my insides hurt.

Just a bit more time, please. Let me say all that I want to say to you. Please.

How much hurt can one take?

2010-09-27T21:42:00.002+08:00

Wow. Didn't they say life is supposed to be full of ups and downs? How come it's only downs for me?

How much further down can I go?

I never knew I could hurt so much. I never knew a heart can be broken so badly. I never knew things can change so badly, so fast.

Guess I didn't know a lot of things. And I have to learn them now. The hard way.

God help me.

What is going on?

2010-09-27T10:01:00.002+08:00

There are things which we never understand.

I just wish I could have God's omniscience and omnipotence. To know everything and do everything.

I wish people will not give up so easily. I wish the love people have for each other is as strong as the love God has for us.

I wish I can sleep tonight.

Revelations

2010-09-25T13:00:00.002+08:00

Its what you go through life discovering.

Its what you go through life learning and treasuring.

Its what you go through life understanding.

And now I discover, learn, treasure and understand.

Life's full of surprises

2010-09-24T01:33:00.002+08:00

Life's full of surprises, no doubt about it.

One moment it can bring you into the most euphoric of moods, drifting you upon the clouds of floating dizziness. The next moment, it throws a curved ball with a plunging parabolic motion so sudden and angled that you don't even know how to react. And somehow that feeling of being punched repeatedly in the gut won't subside.

What can we do about it? Try our best and cope. Grit our teeth and get through life as best as we can manage. Keep our eyes and mind fully occupied with productive stuff. Never let the mind idle, because it might just self-destruct and swallow itself.

Like they say, the brain is an idle monkey.

Songs=emotions?

2010-09-22T01:14:00.002+08:00

I love how songs, the lyrics and the beats, can arouse so many emotions within. Love, hate, joy, grief...not only do emotions get tackled, memories will also be stirred up. Good, bad, provoking, peaceful...I've had it all.

But nothing beats the feeling of needing a good cry, and then the song, with the most wrenching beat and lyrics that speak right through your heart at that exact moment, comes on. And then the flood gates will be opened. And after a good cry, everything seems slightly better.

Yes. Sometimes that's all we need. A good cry.

Wall

2010-09-21T00:10:00.002+08:00

That's what I feel I'm facing. People say life has to go on, but I can't see beyond the wall, and I'm afraid to climb it. This seemingly insurmountable task is further exacerbated by not knowing what lies beyond. Somehow there is also slight reassurance in staying within my comfort zone. Just be safe, and not face whatever is coming my way.

I can't. I won't. I must not. Break the wall.

They say that fear is what you cannot see, when your mind starts tossing around the most terrible outcomes.

I pray. I beg. I plead. Nothing bad has happened.

The power of love

2010-09-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

Love.

The most mysterious and sought after thing in the world. It's free, yet it's so hard to earn. It can make or break people. It's what gives this life meaning, and liberates human beings from living a pointless, mechanical existence.

But love comes in so many different forms, it's easy to get led astray and believe that those silly infatuations and crushes can be love. Nowadays, people use that word so easily and frequently, it makes one wonder just how sincere they really are.

Let me tell a story of true love, adapted from Stephen King's "The Green Mile".

There was a pair of twin girls, who fit the angel stereotype perfectly to a T. Blond, curly ringlets framing their cherubic, rosy faces and azure blue eyes lit with an infinite sparkle. It was in the middle of June, and the summer heat blazed through the days and nights, making people sticky and uncomfortable. On this unfortunate night, the twin girls requested to sleep on the patio, where they would at least get some relief from the stifling heat. Who can say no to them? Sweet, slightly chiding voices with plenty of "I love you!"s and "Please, Mommy?"s. That was the last time their mother ever heard their voices.

The next morning, with the sun already high up in the sky, the brother was sent to the patio wake them up. He returned trembling, his face as pale as spoilt cheese. "They...they're gone." Search parties were immediately sent out, while investigators collected blood samples and hair to identify the time and cause of death. Not that they had to scour very hard. The whole patio and adjoining doors were splashed with their blood, already turning black and congealed under the withering heat.

A few days later, the results were out. The girls had been raped and killed by a psycho who calls himself Billy the Kid. He had recently escaped from a mental asylum and not only had the blood of the twin girls on his hands, there were also many who met their untimely fate before them. Their battered bodies were recovered from a ditch not far from their farmhouse, naked and broken.

The last piece of the puzzle has yet to fall into place. Why hadn't the girls cried out? Why didn't they scream? Tests revealed there wasn't any drugs in their bloodstream, so they were fully alive and kicking when they were brutally raped and killed. Investigators were baffled.

It was only when the authorities questioned Billy the Kid that the ultimate story of love was unveiled. Before he raped his victim, he placed a knife on her throat and told her,"If you scream or make any sound, it will be your sister that I kill, not you." And the love for her sister was so strong that she died with her mouth clamped shut.

That, to me, is what I really deem as love. Undiluted, strong, sacrificial love. And that is what I hope I can give , and have somebody give it back to me.

The pain of the wait

2010-09-19T01:00:00.002+08:00

What is worse than hearing a definite answer "no"? I think, many a times, not knowing the answer is worse. Either a "wait" or a "not sure" makes me curl up in agony and heart-rending pain as my ever-turbulent mind imagines the worse and starts playing tricks. More often than not, I find myself worrying for nothing, but there are and always will be, exceptions.

What if one day I find my wild imaginations coming true, confirming my deepest darkest fears and leaving me to regret the rest of my life?

I regret not spending more time with you.

I regret not calling you and hearing your voice one last time.

I regret not holding you tight enough.

I regret letting you go.

I regret not saying those three special words...how much you mean to me.

I regret.

And I would give anything just to see you one more time...anything to just hear even half your breath.

What is youth?

2010-09-17T18:41:00.002+08:00

So what exactly is youth? Being one myself, I must admit the most counter-intuitive: I don't really know. The eternal search for what exactly defines this problematic stage of growth is on. Clamped tightly between the stage of perceived innocence and the stage of diabolical cruelty is the stage of youth, also known as adolescence. As anthropologist Anna Freud(1937: 149-150) most aptly puts it,

"Adolescents are excessively egoistic, regarding themselves as the centre of the universe and the sole object of interest, and yet at no time in later life are they capable of so much self-sacrifice and devotion. They from the most passionate love relations, only to break them off as abruptly as they began them. On the one hand, they throw themselves enthusiastically into the life of the community, and on the other, they have an overpowering longing for solitude. They oscillate between blind submission to some self-chosen leader and deviant rebellion against any and every authority. They are selfish and materially minded and at the same time for of lofty idealism."

Sounds like me, doesn't sound like me. I guess Freud did a good job of summing up the stereotypical views of what constitutes youths of today, but in reality it cannot be as simple as such a dichotomy.

How about the longing to be different? The burning desire to not be succumbed to the encapsulating claws of mass culture, to stand out from the crowd and show others that I have a sense of civility intact, albeit a modicum amount. Yet I can only resist so much. How about the obligatory impositions from the society? How about all the duties and roles I have to fulfil, being confined to the many developmental cages of life?

That's it. Enough ranting and raving about my life. Wasn't I supposed to be different from my peers-no angsty complaints and emotional low-downs? Well, good try, I shall improve next time. This coming from a supposedly intellectual point of view.

A new beginning

2010-02-18T13:48:00.002+08:00

I have lived 19 years of my life. If you ask me how I felt about it, I won't deny that I have really been very blessed. I thank God for my parents, my brothers, my friends who have watched my growth into adulthood, be it racked with the joyous triumphs or plagued with disappointing defeats. That's what life is all about isn't it?

Yet I have to say, life wasn't lived to the fullest, and I'm not going to do the juvenile whining and putting blame on others. I only have myself to blame. For it is my own life, with decisions that are made by only me, myself and I.

Now that I have made an irreversible decision to attain something permanent and un-doable, I have no regrets. I feel that I am finally taking control of my life and living it the way I want it to be. No more conforming to what society imposes on us. No more sweety pie, I'm-such-a-good-girl image.

It's my life. Whether you love it or hate it, I don't give a fuck.

Unbelievable

2010-02-08T15:39:00.001+08:00

It's unbelievable how people you trust with all your heart and soul can betray you so easily, just for the sake of a few minutes of gossip.

Amazing.

Disappointed.

The novelty of the situation

2010-02-01T21:09:00.002+08:00

Oh how ironic and frustrating! If only he could probe further and check deeper, he will find it! What am I to do now? So helpless and frustrated by the slowness of the situation and how so many factors are just there, seemingly deliberate in stopping this highly anticipated union. What now? What can I do? Nothing, but to wait and see how things will turn out. Cross my fingers and pray, maybe...

Let things turn out the way they should, naturally. Nothing can be done to speed things up, nor to delay or slow things down. If it is right, it is right. No point fretting over it. Come off it girl!

What I hate the most is not being able to do anything about it! I like to be in control, take things into my own hands, do things the way I want it, be independent. I hate having to leave things up to others, to time and to nature. But for this, I'm really at a loss...

Shucks.

WHAT friends?

2009-12-31T15:20:00.002+08:00

They say that true friends stick with you through thick and thin, but I personally am immensely confused by this unsupported saying. Who is that lucky to have friends who stuck with them through the thickest times and the thinnest times? Given the elusive nature, I find it so difficult to grasp the full meaning of such a miraculous phenomenon.

Maybe it is a once in a blue moon happening. Maybe it is just airy fairy theories conjured up by hallucinating idealists who had too much to drink the night before. Because the concept of true friends doesn't exist. Call me cynical, call me jaded, call me pessimistic, hell, call me anything! It won't change my solid as rock belief that the idealistic notions of friendship are but fleeting desires people tirelessly chase after, without a single inkling how futile it will be. But I have given up the chase and am satisfied with the understanding of such a stupid pursuit.

Friends who cry on your shoulder and expect you to be there for them 24/7 yet never once turn up when you need them are not true friends. Friends who abandon you and your long-organised plans to attend something else with other friends are not true friends either. People tend to sympathise with the party that is heartbroken, claiming that it is a given right for that party to go around crying on other people, and they naturally make plans to suit around that crying party. Yet they don't see the heartache of the people around that party, how they have to put up with all the changed plans, all the disturbances, all the fucking shit. And nobody cares.

Maybe it's time I start finding my own voice.

2009-12-30T15:51:00.002+08:00

Lost in a world, that scares me to death,
Lost in a crowd I’m losing my breath,
Lost as a kid, lost as an adult
I feel everything is falling apart and its my fault
Lost as a person, cant find my way
Lost in life every day, Lost in worry
Who am I?
I’ve lived a Lie
Lost to Kindness,
Lost to Love
Lost in the sky,
Like a lonely dove
Lost in thought which I shouldn’t do
It Winds me up,
I can’t get through
Lost to comfort all kind words
Lost to advice that isn’t heard
Lost to those who really care?
All these people always there
Lost in Me, I need a break
Lost in wonder which road should I take?
Lost in a place I don’t know well
Where are you now? There’s no one to tell
Lost here all alone To break these walls
Lost in mind
Lost in soul
Lost memories, there just a hole
Lost family, lost my place
Still yet I’m full of hate
Lost in boredom think I’ll leave
There’s a lot in life I need to achieve...

This poem makes me think...what am I really fighting for? What am I going to say when I near the end of my life and am drawing in my last breath? Can I say that this is a life well led? Or am I just going to shake my head and be drowned in the miseries of regret and "if only"s?

There are so many choices to make and so many paths to be led on to. It's at this point of time that I'm at a loss, and feel as though every single decision made will affect my life in the future. Yet, there is no knowing what comes next time. Life is a sum of all your choices. What we do now will affect what happens in the future. So...what will I choose?

Fked up day

2009-12-03T15:32:00.001+08:00

Depression is the sorrow in your heart…
Depression is the feeling of being alone…
Depression is knowing your best isn’t enough…
Depression is knowing no one cares if your dead or alive…
Depression is the hate and anger you get when life is too hard…
Depression is when you feel like the worlds on your shoulders…
Depression is the feeling that you get when you get when you know
That what ever you do no one cares and it doesn’t matter…
Depression is knowing when you tried, tried and tried again but failed…
Depression is knowing that when you are dead
no one will even remember your name…
Depression hits hard and harder every day…
Depression is the feeling of dying slowly every day…

memory

2009-11-15T23:03:00.000+08:00

You walked in to my life,
But just like that,
You walked back out,
Still you will be a memory-
A memory that I have created in my mind.

Still you will be a memory,
A memory that will always be locked,
Away in my heart and my mind,
I will always have a memory of you in my heart,
And I will always carry that picture of you in my mind.

Still you will be a memory.

Im running out...

2009-10-25T21:04:00.002+08:00

Im running out things to say
[im running out of lies]

Im running out trust
[im running out of spies]

Im running out of love
[im running out of hopes]

Im running out of dreams
[im running out of silent screams]

Im starting to get tired of running toward you
so I guess Ill just start running away...

Maybe dreams cannot come through

2009-10-21T13:59:00.001+08:00

Maybe dreams cannot come true,
but they are mountains
that give shape to the horizon,
reference points to guide us on the way
towards lands long promised us in distant Zion.

If we never get that far,
we'll be nearer for the journey we have taken,
letting the next generation see
up close the dreams they else might have forsaken.

The dreamer lives a bit beyond what is,
having had the courage to say no,
existing in a future wholly his,
revealing through his grace
where we must go.

Knowing well this world of lust and greed
in which the dream but rarely marks the deed,
none could bear to dream but for the soul
great enough to bear it for the whole.

Anger and me

2009-10-15T10:59:00.000+08:00

Anger is a form of fear
Anger is what I’m waiting to hear
Anger is deep down inside me
Anger drives me crazy
Anger is what turns me on
Anger is what turns me off
Anger is my enemy
Anger is my pal
Anger is gonna kill me
Anger is gonna save me
Anger might just help me
Find my true identity.....................
..................Maybe?

Hate

2009-10-07T11:22:00.000+08:00

I hate those who hate,
I hate myself for not knowing what to hate,
I hate life,
I hate love,
I hate not knowing of my upcoming strife
I hate not know of my oncoming love.

I hate those who hate,
I hate myself.
I'd stop to hate for gold of my weight,
I hate all those with excessive wealth,
I hate those who harm,
I hate those who hurt.
I hate those who use their charm,
to put others in the dirt.
I hate living as I ache,
I hate living in earth wake.

I hate people who hate,
I being the one who must be to forsake.
Those who hate,
must hate me
Because of thou hate I hate thee,
The point I must make,
Leaving myself without this weight:
is that I love to hate!
And all love hate
when you hate what they hate.

so alone

2009-09-30T00:47:00.001+08:00

So alone in my bed
Alone listening to nightly whispers
Alone in my thoughts
Alone standing in court

Alone I stand and fight
Alone I pray for rainbow lights
Alone in the morning I awake
Alone I celebrate my joys

Alone I cry out my sadness
Alone I voice out my fears
Alone in strength
Alone in wealth
Alone in good health

Alone I try to understand
Alone I seek knowledge
Alone I share what is mine
Alone I try not to be alone
Alone when my time has come, I pass away
- Sylvia Chidi

Crazy

2009-09-27T17:41:00.000+08:00

A shadow with me all day
No body
This is crazy, this is crazy

Notes of a scintillating flute
No flutist
This is crazy, this is crazy
Breathtaking verse on paper
I was sleeping
This is crazy, this is crazy

Vermilion laden sky
Sunrise or sunset?
This is crazy, this is crazy

Dishevelled clothes, swollen lips
You came in my dream
I am crazy, I am crazy

Or is this the only sanity?

Lonely is just one word

2009-09-24T12:43:00.002+08:00

Lonely is just one word
chosen to represent so much,
to tell of feelings inside
that the senses cannot touch.

Lonely can be in the teardrops
on a bereaved person’s cheek,
Lonely can be in the silence of sorrows
too deep to speak.

Lonely can haunt a deserted room
that Laughter once made proud,
Lonely surrounds you when you’re alone
or finds you in a crowd.

Lonely is heard in echoed footsteps of a departing friend,
Lonely penetrates the solitude of nights
that will not end.

Lonely will not listen to the pleadings of a broken heart-
Lonely stays and torments
until new Love shatters it apart.

Alone

2009-09-23T10:14:00.000+08:00

Alone I sleep,
And alone I wake,
Alone I dream,
And alone I ache.

Alone I live,
And alone I cry,
Alone I think,
And alone I'll die.

Alone I try,
And alone I fall,
Alone I fail,
And alone I crawl.

Alone I break,
And alone I sit,
Alone I was,
Alone I am.

And alone I'll always be.

But don't despair

2009-09-20T09:54:00.002+08:00

Despair, if you must -
But how's it going to pull you through?
Despair, when you trust
Naught since then there's naught to do.
Despair, should you thrust
Aside your pride; your self-esteem.
And so despair, if it's dust -
The only substance that you deem.
Despair, when a gust
Of slightly breeze can break your stance.
And do despair, when lust
Is your interpretation of romance.
But don't despair, if you can care
About the plight of any other being.
And you can focus on the help,
Support, and altruistic further actions
For the seeing: be believing -
As despair will start receding
All around - simply since you found
A way to steer you clear
From the very cause of your despair!
So give to others - give them all a helping lift:
Despair, you'll find will disappear -
And that has got to be a well-deserved
And saintly gift!

What's the point of despairing over something that will never be and has never even come to be? Sometimes desire isn't enough. Sometimes determination isn't enough. What you need could be luck and the right flow of elements. Oh what the heck. Just let it go and stop fucking dwelling over it.

Lead by example

2009-09-17T09:13:00.002+08:00

How is a diamond formed? It is subjected to immense pressure and heat and rough polishings, before is is cleaned and finally allowed to dazzle its brilliance to salivating customers. Life is like the journey of a raw diamond from the mines, right up onto the shelves of high-end retail shops.

Having a chance to talk to people of higher authority and status really does have a liberating and insightful after-effect. It makes you chew on the words, swallow them and slowly digest, not allowing anything to be passed out. It truly makes me reflect on my past life and how I have been doing things-be it my own way, or trying hard to follow as closely to the system as possible. I realised that there is no such thing as individual. Everything requires teamwork, and that strong teamwork can only be built up through much experience together. A strong team is a team that sticks together when it storms.

Your network is a reflection of yourself. How true is that? I can definitely vouch for it. What you do, your guys will soon take after you. And that's when it struck me-DUDE! It is really time to buck up and be an example to your guys. I must admit that there is immense pressure and expectations to perform, especially in the position I'm in. Everywhere I go, people are watching and dying to let rip criticisms and comments, yet I cannot let that change me. You shouldn't worry about things you cannot change, but instead, you should worry about things you can change, and yet you are not doing anything to solve it. What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. People can say what they want, but if it is not constructive in any way, then heck it! I have got way more better stuff to lend my ears to.

And it is about emotional management as well. It is not easy having to control the bubbling emotions from overflowing into my speech and my actions, being a girl. But now I understand the importance and the necessity of it. Having an attitude not just affects your day, it also drags down the spirits of the people around you. And if people around me are just going to have an attitude anyway, I'm just gonna have to absorb it like a sponge, and continue treating them well. What goes around comes around. You can make use of me, mistreat my emotions, take my support for granted...I'm here for you to exploit. After all, I'm supposed to be an example. I just want something back in return-that next time you dulicate me and do the exact same thing for your guys. But when it gets too tough for you to handle, don't come back crying to me, because I can only tell you," Thats what you did to me the last time too. You have no choice but to swallow the pain like how I did..."

Food for thought. Just an honest reflection.

Back from camp

2009-09-14T00:49:00.002+08:00

The past three days have truly been an experience-emotionally, physically and mentally. What can a course called Team Building Challenge do for you? Build the teamwork and bonding between you and your team mates, of course. Duh.

The physical challenges really pushed and many of my girls to our limits, with hours and hours of straining our bodies while surviving on minimal sleep, and exposed to unruly conditions of the harsh environment. I must say, I'm a sucker for anything physical, but having my sleep deprived was not my cup of tea. And being the pig that I am, having my normal 10 hours of sleep per day reduced to 10 hours for 3 days was over the limit. Hah. Inevitably, I fell sick, despite pumping tonnes of colostrum and drinking water enough to make a whale blush.

On the whole, TBC was anything but boring. There were so many priceless lessons to be learnt from the whole strings of activities organised. On the outside, they look pretty normal, yet the debriefs given by the instructors really brought alot of deeper understanding into helping us realise what the motive and purpose of the activity was. The best of all? There was much better communication not only within my team of people from completely different networks, but also with the other teams.

There will definitely be more posts about what I have learnt from TBC. Right now, it's time to sleep, catch up on sleep sweet sleep.

Orange Fear. All the way!

Darkness

2009-09-10T12:57:00.002+08:00

I sit here all alone
with the wind blowing through my hair,
here I’am enclosed in a shell of my own
and no longer does anyone care.
I feel water has moved away from the bay,
and my sand castle has been washed away.
I am fully aware of the fact that I have done mistakes,
and I know that in life
there are no retakes.
The clouds of darkness are shielding me,
will an angel ever come and set me free?
I walk in the rain
so that no one can see my pain.
Will there ever be an angel
who will see to it that I no longer dwell
in the memory lane?
But the mist doesn’t seem to be clearing,
and the sadness doesn’t seem to be decreasing...
The people who broke my heart
I will no longer be needing,
and of late loneliness is all that I have been feeling.
But I have faith that the sun will shine through the darkness,
and again I will see happiness.
Though in the past people have been fake,
let’s see what life offers in its next take.

The crumbling of the world around me

2009-09-09T10:56:00.002+08:00

I'm not sure how many of you understand the feeling-the feeling of your world crumbling around you. Or more like the feeling of having your breath knocked out of you, leaving you gasping, stumbling darkly around, unsure of anything and everything. I just got one of that bad knocks last night, when realisation kicked in, rather harshly, I must add. Before, I was drowning myslef in self-made fantasies and illusions, trying rather futively and pathetically to grasp on to the last shreds of optimism, yet like sunlight, it eluded me when the time for it to brighten up someone else's life came.

Then the darkness closed in, stifling and numbing. Yet despite its blanket wrap, my eyes were somehow opened, giving me a strange, bitter awakening, making me feel so stupid, so exhausted, so resigned...what have I been fighting for? Have the past few months been a modern day reenactment of Daedaleus, running around in circles and not being able to get anywhere? Have all the thoughts and efforts gone into chasing for something so irritatingly unobtainable? Or have I been living in a wrold of delusion so well-crafted that even I myself didn't realise it? Maybe it is time to truly let it go, and fall back into the monotony of a status quo. Mybe it is time to do a reality check and management of expectations, and let that burning desire fizz out into the frail ashes of nothingness...

Break Me
Hate me for being me,
look at me and scream
push me hard pull me back
try to crush my dream.

Tears flood from me like rain,
drowning who I used to be,
suffocating my inner self
who’s crying to be let free.

Don’t touch me-I’m too fragile.
To breath is to hurt,
my pain is my endless life
pushed face down in the dirt.

Tattooed with the scars of hate,
labelled like I’m fake,
break me for what its worth
rob me of what you take.

Slap me down when I rise,
call me for what I feel
laugh and leave me,
walk away and
sell my soul, the devils deal.

Now whats left of me is broken,
look at the scars and see:
I didn’t do this to my self
but I did let you break me...

Bottled up inside

2009-09-06T10:01:00.004+08:00

Bottled up inside
are the words I never said.
The feelings that I hide,
The lines you never read.
You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face.
Trapped are the lies of the past
with memories that linger,
Won’t seem to go away.
Why can I be happier?
Today is brand new day.
Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hunting is not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what I’ve got.
Don’t take my love for granted
for soon it will be gone.
All you’ve ever wanted
the love you thought you’d won.
The hurt I’m feeling now won’t disappear over night.
But somehow, someday,
Everything will turn out alright.
No more wishing for the past,
It wasn’t meant to be,
Didn’t seem to last.
So I have to set you free.

Some things just aren't meant to be said-maybe it is inappropriate, maybe it is just not the time. For now, I have to be contented with bottling it up, and not let the dizzying surge of emotions overflow and influence my rational mind.

Poematric

2009-09-03T14:15:00.005+08:00

Love-Dawn Will Darn Hearts That Are Torn
On love I have full trust
By it, my heart will not rust
It will force me to digest
And using love, I will adjust

On love I can surely rely
As love is truth not a lie
Love helps me fly Sky-high
A loveless heart is totally dry

On love I can write a thesis
As love is life’s main axis
Love can solve any crisis
Love alone can create an oasis

On love is built an Empire
As love alone can usefully inspire
Please love soon, life may expire
Enjoy love’s fruits, before you retire

On love depends a pure heart
As such a heart, only love can comfort
Greatest lessons, only love can impart
Please to love now start, time is short

On love never put the blame
By giving excuses that are lame
As you will derive only shame
Your loveless heart, use love to tame

On love never develop hatred
As such an act is not sacred
If your love account goes red
Become impure your blood and head

On love if your faith deepens
Definitely a miracle happens
As before love, lose strength weapons
Heaven exchanges all love-coupons

On love if faith vanishes
Peace to mind, time banishes
By love alone, anguish diminishes
Comforts of Heaven, love furnishes

On love lies, my whole hope
I am tied with love by belief-rope
Whether the path is steep or a slope
Love and I find in each other vast scope.

Ahhh the releasing of feelings to be poured into a emotionally settling poem. The grinding of brain juices, the itching of fingers, the poruing of sweat and blood...it is all worth the trouble seing the complete reproduction. The same feeling as a mother looking at her new-born? Or maybe like Alexander Graham Bell hearing his assistant's voice over the first telephone?

Love propels some, repels others. Here's tribute to everyone who has been touched by this prevalent,mysterious feeling.

Food for thought

2009-09-02T11:05:00.003+08:00

Reality
If you need a place, in this reality
Just to be yourself, while everything seems awfully
To cry, to scream, to relief your heart
When you feel your world is falling apart
I will be right here, to wait and hope
And I will gently remove the rope
Which lies and tightens around your neck
Pull you away, and of course I’ll check
The light in your eyes is fading away
Turning black, turning cold, clearly with dismay
Your heart feels far away, gone to disappear
I want you to stay, I want you near
I smile at you, and try to remember
What it was like, no need to go further
Loneliness and sadness passing by
Hand in hand, with tears in the eye
Drowning in words, unnecessary pain
No need to describe, no need to complain
Your eyes are open, lightning once more
Watching, sparkling, just like before
I’ll hold you in my arms, hold you tight
Tell you, that we, together, have won this fight

Crossroads

2009-09-02T10:46:00.003+08:00

What do you do when you find yourself immersed in the deepest crossroads of your life? You ponder as hard as you can. You weigh the pros and cons. You consult friends and family. But ultimately nothing can influence your decision as much as you yourself. What if you want something so badly yet you know deep in your heart you will not be able to achieve it? Will you still fight all you can manage for it, or let it slip past you, like the wilting of a faded flower?

DESIRE. Just how badly do you want it? Search your heart and soul, reach inside the darkest most abyssmal depths and wring out your innermost dreams. Never be afraid to dream big, beacuse the human spirit is much stronger than what you expect. It is what you have inside you, the character, that is so valuable, so priceless. So what if people around you are constantly dumping throngs of wet blankets to douse the fire within you? Rise up and fight back. Never let the shining desire within you be affected by the inexplicable circumastances that life throws at you. Ultimately, people respect you for what you have within you and not what you possess.

I'm going to get what I want. It is my goal, and nothing can stop this wild beast from tearing apart the cages imposed by others.

Back from a break

2009-08-31T00:19:00.007+08:00

I have decided to restart my blogging life. After a long absence from the blogosphere, I return to find more inspiration in posting my thoughts and my daily doses online. Not for the purpose of letting people read, but for the rejuvenative purpose of unleashing a huge bottle of locked emotions. Maybe it is the idea of venting it out on a lifeless, unanswerable computer that really sets me ticking, or maybe it could be that there are no other avenues of release.

The consumptive, overwhelming hand of emotion reaches out and grabs me by the throat, forcefully letting the pain sear throughout the entire body and mind. Sometimes the paralysing surge of emotions is much faster and more potent than most psychologists can ever diagnose. Imagine surging deeply into a dwelth of darkness so bleak that no light can ever penetrate through, leaving one panting and grasping on to the last shreads of happiness. Imagine being suffocated daily by your own thoughts that hold illimitable dominion over everything, even external circumstances. Imagine having to dream and wish, yearn and fight, struggle and grasp, yet all you achieve is but trailing shreds of hope, bearing the tendencies of slipping out of your fingers so easily...

Spiralling deep down down down into the chasm of hopelessness destroys even the strongest man. Desire and knowing THE desire is what keeps people alive. Yet when the flaming torch of passion gets fizzled out slowly, day by day, one starts wondering if there is really a realistic, achievable hold to the once burning want. Fight on, or kill the dream? I stand clueless beyond the looming cloud of dilema, as the unfavourable circumsances close in.

They don't call it 'fight' for nothing

2009-06-02T20:58:00.004+08:00

As the day draws near...the anticipation builds up, the palpitating heart with its steady beat forms an almost constant rhythm one can easily associate with the background drone of a rock concert, the mind, with its swimming images of tug-of-war between the optimistic angel and the pessimistic devil, both with their urging voices ringing soundly through your already cluttered mind...

They don't call it 'fight' for nothing. Obviously, like the word implies, as any common boisterous primary-educated kid can tell, there must be a certain element of force and willpower to conquer one's fears of losing. There can be no losses, only wins. There can be no downs, only ups. There can be no failures, only successes. Why fight? Oh no no, it's too violent for a girl to fight...! Girls are not created to be violent...they are so emotional, they succumb to the inevitable consequences of not fighting. But I'm going to be that FIRST girl to prove all this wrong. Hogwash. People who say girls cannot survive in an industry that fights are just so filled with what makes the grass grow green. Bullshit.

I realised my dreams. I'm living it

2009-05-12T11:27:00.002+08:00

So long has passed, it seems I have shed the immatured, tumultous and angsty side of me. What's left? A stronger and more focused girl bordering on womanhood, with her sights set on conquering whatever curved ball life decides to throw. It wasn't easy I have to admit, having gone through the painful disappointing downs in the past few months, yet what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I learnt that only through failures can you taste the true sweetness of success. Not that I'm successful now-success is merely a state of mind and there is no one-size-fits-all standard to measure the degree of success one can achieve within one's lifetime. Yet I'm sure I'm heading towards what I have always dreamed for in my most innocent, youthful stage...step by step, moment by moment.

I'm ready...are you?

Throwing away the old man

2008-10-20T16:30:00.004+08:00

What happens when you throw away the old man? You get a new one, and nobody can do that for you but Jesus Christ. This may sound ridiculous(...can almost hear your smirks), but that was how I felt in the first place, when my life revolved around sin and darkness. I doubted His saving grace, His mercies and most of all, His love. Who could ever love me so much even after all that I have done? Who could turn my thinking 180 degrees-from being so in the world to being of the world?

Jesus Christ.

He taught me that love is never meant to be an emotion alone. Love is MORE than just an emotion. It is the unconditional love and loyalty that one has for another that keeps the cords of committment and faithfulness strongly entwined, never unravelled by the erosion of time and bad circumstances. And that was the agape Love that He showed us on His road to calvary.

Life may stink now, with the looming A levels examinations just waiting like a perched lion on the corner of time, seeking those whom it may devour. But, everyday with the LORD is sweeter than the day before, and how can 1 more month of anxiety attacks and stressed studying compare to the eternity of peace with our Lord Jesus Christ?

All for His glory.

Only Believe

2008-03-21T12:21:00.000+08:00

ONLY BELIEVE
Has that trial in your life been going on so long
That everything in you screams,
"This is so wrong."
You can't understand,
it seems God is far away
As with tears you cry out to Him everyday,
If you read God's Word
His truth you will see
That He has a job for you and a job for me,
ONLY BELIEVE!
is what He has to say
At His feet this problem you must lay,
In His time and in His way
An answer to your problem will be there one day,
Keep on believing, don't lose hope
He'll give you His grace enabling you to cope,
Keep your eyes on Him as to to Him you cleave
He has promised He will never forsake you or leave,
Give Him time to work it all out
The devil just wants you to worry and doubt,
Praising Him is one thing
He's looking for
To bless you is what He has in store,
So no matter what,
even when you don't understand
ONLY BELIEVE!
that's what moves His hand.
-Beverly Shaffer

Hiatsus

2008-03-10T18:14:00.002+08:00

Whoa...seems like an eternity since I have last touched a computer,let alone blogged. What's been going on? Oh yes,common tests...how could I ever forget? The hours spent brooding over notes,notes and nothing but notes,and the worst part of it all? Having to sacrifice sleep,leisure time and sports. But now that they are all over and done with(the last paper-literature-ended with a butt-numbing three hours under the Arctic airconditioner of LT5),there seems to be a void,like something's missing. Maybe I should be doing something yet I'm not. But that feeling doesn't come that often with everyday trainings and hockey matches and tons of outings(not that I'm complaining okay). Cool. Life should stay like that,holiday mode,forever. *wishful thinking*

Fat rat

2008-02-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

Today all Chinese welcome the year of the fat Rat,and it is indeed an auspicious time for many,yet only half of me feels the joyous atmosphere. The other half is swimming around in a vacuum,void of emotions but full of exhaustion.

I really thank God for blessing us all with a 4-day holiday weekend,so that I can catch up on my procrastinated studies,my deprived sleep and my absent blog entries. The past weekend was spent playing an unexpected U-21 semis and finals,and those were the best games I ever played since I joined hockey. I really gave my all,and with help from the Lord above,I managed to do saves I never thought was possible. Praise the Lord!

School the past week was as usual,tiring,full of lessons,trainings etc. So this break is really a God-sent.*smiles* But sometimes I don't feel like doing anything but stoning,under the sweltering heat with sleepy flies fliting around. Bleah,I better stop crapping and study "The Duchess of Malfi"!

Accumulation of Blog-rust

2008-01-25T21:22:00.000+08:00

Yes,it's been ages since I last put up a post...blame it on my hyper-busy schedule of juggling double CCAs,especially the U-21 hockey matches that fall squarely on both weekends and played at Delta,which is almost at the other end of the world for me,and a heavy Year 2 curriculum,with loads of ctaching up to do on Econs(yes,especially Econs,in which the tutor is hardly helping...hint hint).

Apologies for having such a bad start full of complains. No,they aren't really complains,but more of lamentations...or wait,no,more of explanations of what caused my accumulation of blog-rust.

Updates on what my life has been for the past two weeks. Been trying real hard constantly to do some soul-winning and also growing my faith in God. The testimonies and sermons I heard from friends,fellow sisters and brothers-in-christ and pastors have really touched me and made me determined to change,to become more like our Father Himself. And that starts with having love for everyone around me,despite what they have done. And no,it's not the kind of love I've mistaken so much in the past,but the all-consuming kind of love that God has for all of us. That also comes with forgiveness and constant prayers for them. Praise the Lord!

One prevalent problem is my worringly decline in passion for running,or in particular,corss-country. Wherever was the burning desire to run and give it all I've got? Whatever happened to the tough girl who used to be so glad to train,and wouldn't mind doing extra on top of the killer trainings? Whoever can imagine the drastic loss of feel-good endorphins after every run? I realised something was seriously wrong when I started to dread trainings,and would think of any possible way to bail myself out. Even the idea of faking an injury crossed my mind one morning when I woke up totally drained from a late-night hockey training the night before. Call it burn-out,muscle-tear,lack of sleep,time of the month,"bad days"...I don't know,but it feels like a combination of all of the above,plus the most worrying lost of passion. Trainings which I used to be able to take,and which used to make me so happy now leaves me in a crying,messed-up heap,too pessimistic and unwilling to push myself any further. I would give up very early half-way during trainings and allow all the "I can't do it" thoughts push themselves into my alredy drained mind. And to add on to the injury:the sight of Year 1 girls striding easily past me,effortlessly like the wind,leaving me all the way at the back,a puffing,panting,dying block. It's really time to buck up and stop all this attitude. The season's coming...

And hockey? My position is now jeopardised. No bad feelings towards her,just the general sense of disappointment and of course the "oh-shit",dready feeling of not being able to play for the school. Ha. Seems like that is happening already,with U-21 matches being played half-half. What's about training so hard and going through all that bone-grinding guys' training for two NIGHTS(yes,all the way till 10pm)a week,and compromising on my priorities-studies,sleep and first CCA? I'm still such a noobie,a L-O-S-E-...ah forget it.

I pray that God will fill me with enough strength,courage and faith in Him to carry on living each pressurising day,and be able to cope with each and every problem that comes in my way. Hey,after all,it's His test for me,and I will do anything to glorify His Kingdom. Anything. If it means going through these emotional turmoil,because ultimately,didn't He suffer much more for all of us?

Epiphany

2008-01-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

Epiphanies are meant to be sudden "wake-up calls" that can occur at any time of your life,at the most unexpected places,under the most unthinkable situations. Sometimes they are just sudden clicks in your mind,other times they come in the form of the words of others,which I strongly believe is God working through them to get His message across to me. Epiphanies make you realise things you never thought of before,and stop you in doing whatever you're doing,then make you change your life in the most,well,ironic way. Let's just say,an epiphany struck me today,while talking to certain trusted friends over a certain bugging matter,and it just made me realise how off-track I've been,and how important it is to really focus on what's the main priorities.

It just set me thinking deeply,and though this epiphany left me with this tingling,clouding sense of pain,or what I call "shittiness",I understood that it has to happen,and am glad that it did,before things got deeper and more complicated. I have to admit,my whole training was totally screwed up,and my mood was as black as night. I've really put myself into such a f***ed-up situation,and totally just ruined myself with all these inflictions. Just by thinking too much. Wow.

Sarah pounded on me to "focus,and you can do anything" and man,it's high time I start focusing! God,studies(gosh,I'm year 2 already!),cross-country,hockey...there's so many things to "channel my energy to",as Viv puts it,and that I don't always have to rely on THAT. S**t man,I mean,I can't lose something that I didn't even have in the first place! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Sweet Lord Jesus,stay with me now,for I seek desperately for Your comfort. I will grow strongest when I'm at my weakest,for You fill me with Your limitless strength...

What,school?

2008-01-05T21:14:00.000+08:00

Orientations,influx of year ones,ceaseless cheerings and screamings...that's what have been going on for the past few days of orientation. And thank God,year twos are all spared from lessons,something which have escaped my mind for nearly two whole months. Apparently my brain seem to be having a gradual,degrading hiatus,and to suddenly make it work so hard with all that thinking(hint hint...what else but maths?) is really a torture. So for now,I will just be content with physical torture from trainings,everyday.

Good game girls,for playing so well against ACJC and beating them 5-0. Praise to the Lord for His many blessings!

Entering the realm of 2008

2008-01-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

Happy new year! Here we are,welcoming 2008 with hopes,dreams and anticipation,unsure of what will befall us in the days to come. I must say,let's just take things in our stride and always keep ourselves grounded in God no matter what happens. For He always provides a way out. May God bless all of us! :)

Diving the way

2007-12-28T21:01:00.000+08:00

Sore bottoms,muscle aches and gigantic bruises are what you get from executing "perfect" dives(almost 70 times)-with the gear fully padded on you. More than 5kg of plastic encased around you,restricting your movements to no end,yet you still have to use every ounce of your energy to push yourself off at the right angle and height and distance. Add the extra whack run in the morning,and extremly sore muscles from training the same dives for 6 hours non-stop the day before,and you get one VERY SHAG person.

But...It's all in the name of improving,and I will not complain. Just grit my teeth and go with the trainings given,no matter how much I feel like just breaking down and giving up. No amount of physical resistance can beat the will of my mind. As the Nike slogans scream,"Just Do It".

May God bless me.

Tis' the season to be jolly..

2007-12-25T12:16:00.000+08:00

Merry merry Christmas! May God bless you forever with His beautiful heart!

Christmas never fails to work its magic on me every year,first with that warm,fuzzy feeling of love and goodwill towards all men,then its the frenzied shopping and card-writing and gift-wrapping for friends and loved ones. And there is the intrinsic happiness in genuinely spreading the Love of God. *smiles*

Signs

2007-12-20T20:34:00.000+08:00

Some things are just obvious,yet I'm unable to discern the signs. Maybe it's just my persistent inner-self pushing me on,and my never-dying sense of optimism. No,make that "foolish hope". There are obvious signs and signals present all around...why am I just so blind to all of them? Why do I keep ignoring them? It's high time I heed these telling signs and do myself a favour in the future,before things get even deeper and more complex,and by then it would have been too late. The hurt would already have been inflicted.

I pray to God to answer my prayers,and that if His answer was a "No",please give me hints in advance so that the pain would be lessened. And I thank God for showing me His hints now,rather than next year,when things start to get heavy and tight. I heard Him,and will wait and trust for His great plans to unfold...

Everyone has his(her) days

2007-12-17T20:31:00.000+08:00

Yes,everyone has his/her days. You can't expect anyone to reamin as high or enthusiastic every single day,unless that person is constantly on happy pills or something. And obviously such pills are so rare that I have yet to see anyone who can stay forever happy.

Happiness is a God-given gift,and is by far one of the most precious things in the world,despite its intangible form. When we are happy,God smiles down upon us,for we are showing appreciation for His gift,yet when we are depressed,God feels our pain,and is upset. So no matter what,we should always fill ourselves with happiness,and be content in the fact that God is smiling His beautiful smile upon us...

Take it slow...

2007-12-15T20:21:00.000+08:00

Patience is a virtue. I finally realised that after countless mistakes made,and vowed never to repeat the same dumb mistake ever again. Thinking back,sometimes it really cannot be helped,because the human emotions tend to fuel the actions of the body,so much so that it becomes uncontrollable. That's way they call them "impulses".

Take it slow,although the urge to plunge deep into the risky,dangerous zone is so overwhelming. It's okay,trust in the Father Almighty,and lay everything in His hands,for He has great plans for me. Why worry now? If it is meant to be,it is meant to be,and He will provide.

Consuming thoughts

2007-12-11T20:21:00.001+08:00

When things always seem to be going real bad,no one is really to blame-no one,that is,except yourself. You are the one letting your poisonous thoughts consume you,so much so that they control your life by ruining your mood for an entire day,sometimes much longer than that.

The worst feelings are that of crushed hopes or failed expectations. How badly you long for something to happen,and the yearning is enough to drive your feelings into a crazy run,yet when the moment for it to arrive turns out to be the most disappointing moment ever. The crushed feeling,of having such lofty wishes simply shattering before you can ever comprehend what's happening,really sucks.

It also sucks to keep trying at something,hoping beyond your wildest,craziest dreams that you will succeed,yet nothing seems to be happening. They say,"Persevere and you will succeed." You can truly scoff at that. What success are they talking about? Try after try after try turns out to be nothing more than where you were at square one,and over time,you can't blame the natural reaction of the human body to just give up and spare it some emtional torture. Sometimes you must know when to give yourself,and your poor brain(or heart,for that matter) a well-deserved break. Too much provocation within a short period of time is seriously not healthy,lest your name is permanently inked in the records of some mental health facility.

Say no also,to the irritating recurring thoughts within your brain. "Why did it happen that way?" "Why didn't it turn out that way?" And the whole day is wasted on such unproductive thoughts. You try to keep yourself occupied with favourite activities,mindless bantering with close friends,or just simply drowning yourslef in emo music,but these are merely part of a superficial blamket you use to (unsuccessfully)mask your true emotions. In the end,when you are all alone and trying hard to enter the realm of dreams,you end up crying to yourself while craddling your pillow...

Let God help you. Nothing is as great as His power and His love,and nothing else on a temporary Earth matters as much. He knows every single thing you are doing and feeling,and will never leave you. Never. Though you can't see Him,His presence is always around,for you to seek comfort from,to cry to,to share your joy with. God never fails. And for that,I'm truly thankful for His blessings,and His never-failing comfort,helping me to navigate through this emotional minefield shrouded by clouds darker than the night sky,as I tackle the worst of all feelings slowly eating me inside out. Thank you oh sweet Father,for hearing my cries! Praise You forever and ever,Amen.

Upped trainings

2007-12-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

More and more trainings! They seemed to have upped themselves ever since the trip to Hong Kong. Now,trainings are 6 days a week,with only one day with single session,one day with double sessions and the rest of the days with triple sessions...

Hallelujah!

Hong Kong jam

2007-12-04T11:11:00.000+08:00

It's been five days and finally I'm back in Singapore...ah home sweet home at last. The past days were spent in Hong Kong with the hockey team,and it was,I must say,quite an enriching and rather fun experience(well,ain't all overseas trips?). I will try to give a as detailed as possivle account of the time there,although once I stepped in Changi Airport last night,everything I did and saw in Hong Kong just seemed so far away and so long ago,almost forgotten. Thank God for the pictures I took,and of course,my ultra good memory. *winks*

Day 1

Because we were taking the budget airlines JetStar,the timing of the flight was really bad-6.40 early in the morning,which means I have to reach Terminal 1 by latest 5am,and that again means I have to wake real early,like about 4. I remembered tossing and turning in bed on Wednesday night,telling myself I have to sleep early or else I will just die the next day(like falling asleep while going to the airport and falling into drains again,together with my gigantic goalie bag squashing on top of me). But the more I tell myself that,the more I couldn't sleep,so it was really bad. Plus I kept getting messages from Mr Seet,at about 12.30,asking me whether I have the goalie bag with me,which further disrupted my sleep.

My body seemed to have inheirited the reluctance quotient from my mind,because when I dragged myself from bed,all bleary-eyed and groggy,I realised my nose was bleeding badly,and didn't stop until the blood has stained my WHITE team shirt(yes yes I tried to stop the bleeding!but it just kept flowing,too much for me to handle!). So there I was,at the airport,with two huge brownish stains near my collar,looking as though I'm someone with an extra hole at the side of my jaw and had just drank chocholate milk despite that defect. Ugh.

There was a long waiting time,which we spent talking,hanging around and checking in our luggages and settling our passports. We finally boarded at about 6.15am,but not before going through the luggage checks,in which my FULL Adidas deodorant got thrown away because it conatined 150ml of liquid. Apparently there is this new law that prohibits more than 100ml of liqiud to be brought into the plane(including water bottles) and I obviously didn't know about it. So goodbye dear deodorant(I actually felt like punching the guy's face,but oh well)! The plane ride was rather uneventful,or maybe it was because we all spent our time sleeping our lives away. It was very uncomfortable though(ahem,JetStar okay)-the seats were squeezed so tightly together,so much so that the taller people had their legs cramped in a tiny space that could hardly contain anything! I bet people like Mr Najib,Desmond and Rui must have suffered terribly *shakes her head*

When we finally arrived at Hong Kong airport,there was this mad rush to the toilets(Haha,bladder-holders!) before the collection of the luggages. Unfortunately,poor Laura's luggage went missing,which caused a major delay in our schedule. There was this big mess because our luggages and passports were mass collected without any order,thus luggages were not registered under the respective owners but under someone else's name. So we had to do alot of searching around and matching of passports to luggages,but it was still missing. In the end,she had to make a lost luggage claim,and was refunded S$1000 by the insurance company. Then we had a quick lunch(because of the dealy) in which I ate with the Halal table,and the dishes were nothing but green vegetables and rice! But we couldn't complain,because Muslims are not common in Hong Kong,and besides,we can't eat much anyway,because we had a match coming up shortly. After lunch,we headed straight to our chalets to unpack and get ready for the match. It's actuallt this holiday camp nestled in the mountainside and the whole team is staying in dorm-like chalets. The girls and guys sleep in one dorm and two dorms respectively,and within each dorm there are about 3 other bedrooms. Within each bedroom there are some bunk beds-the seniors(5 of them) took a room,while the rest of us Year 1s took two rooms.

(Siew Min,Jia Ling,Janelle,Rui,Shara,Mei Xian and I roomed together)

We had to rush real badly-clothes were strewn about,the girls just changed together in the rooms,luggages were shoved around,and quickly we were up the bus on the way to our first friendly against the Hong Kong under 16 team. We played at King's Park hockey pitch-it was an excellent pitch! Surprisingly,our opponents were all Caucasians,some nearly as (physically)big as me! The weather made things worse for us-we first started our warm-ups with a few slow jogs,but just into the first lap and we were all panting,choking and coughing. The bitingly cold air was just too much for our poor lungs to take,and it attacked our eyes and faces. Ah,but despite all that,we played hard(the hardest I have played comparatively to the matches I played back home) and managed a 2-2 draw. I have never dived and slid so much in a match! The guys were up next,against a non-Caucasian team,but they lost 2-1. Good games!

Dinner was up next,after showering at King's Park,and we ate at this restaurant in this institution called,get this,Hong Kong Polytechnic-University. That made all of us go,"Huh? So is it a university or polytechnic?" Haha. It was quite good,considering most of us were starved after our exhausting matches. We were then given time for shopping,about 45 mins,as most of us were drained,and we were brought to this high-end street with shops selling merchandise even more expensive than in Singapore! Most of us just walked around,or bought mango desert which was just superb! Then it was back to our dorms to rest and relax(and shower,for most of the guys...). The night temperature in the mountains was just freakingly cold,but I loved it!

Day 2

The second day dawned early,and we had breakfast at the chalet restaurant-bread and sausages and meat patties. It was god,but not filling,and most of us ended up buying Mochi or ice-cream from the cafe next door. There was some free time after breakfast,and I went walking around,exploring the chalet grounds. There turned out to be quite a number of facilties,like bicycle rentals,archery,a playground with the most interesting seesaws and swings,hopscotch,twister,kite-flying grounds,obstacle courses,basketball and street soccer courts etc. It was just splendid,walking in such cooling weather,and observing the Hong Kong kids going to and fro school(which is situated within the chalet grounds) from their own dorms.

Lunch was a barbecue at the pit just outside our chalet,and they provided BBQ packs and bread and fruits. It was so interesting,because this was the first time I had barbecue in the afternoon,and in such cold weather too! The food was good,but i ate mostly bread and fruits,because the meat seemed rather uncooked! After lunch,it was time to get ready for our second match,this time against the Hong Kong under 18 team. It was expected that we will lose,since we only managed a draw with their under-16s.

We returned to the same pitch,warmed up again in the stinging cold air and suffered sore lungs and eyes. The weather was worse,much colder and much more biting,but as usual we have to put up with it and get on with the game. The prediction wsa more than accurate-we were sorely thrashed by the under-18s! Most of them were much bigger than us(suddenly Rui didn't seem so tall after all) and they were so fast with their dribbling and sweeps! There were three encounters of one-on-ones and I was thoroughly outran by them *shakes her head* There were also three short-corners(in other words,easy chances to score goals,because the ball is set really near the goal) awarded to them,within just a span of 5 mins! It was ridiculous. It's just like 3 penalties given in 5 mins in a soccer game! Thank God none went in(*smiles*),but it was still seriously traumatising. In the end we got thrashed badly:8-1. But it was a good game,the most difficult I have ever played,much more than on day 1,and I seriously learnt alot from it. The guys' match was after us again,but they were against some random team(not the under-18s okay) and I think they won 1-0 by stroke. Good game! We had a reception with our opponents after that,pizza and cakes and all,and mingled around with them quite abit. And after that,we still have dinner waiting for us at the polytechnic-university! Most of us couldn't eat much,Haha.

After that it was back to the dorms to rest. But most of us were restless,and went on nightwalks to the vantage point where we could catch glimpses of the beautiful city skyline. My regrets for not taking any pictures! We also watched the stars and constellations,and because of the clear night sky,the stars stood out really brilliantly. Pretty!

Day 3

The third day was like before-breakfast of bread and jam and corn and eggs. There was also bee hoon soup,and that was when Mr Najib and I turned the soup pot into a battleground. He first challenged the others at the table(Izswand,Shara,Shaz,Hakim,Desmond,Malcom,Terence and I) to pick up this teeny carrot cube using only our chopsticks. Malcom tried with a toothpick,but was disqualified. Desmond only sank the cube further into the soup,while Terence almost got it...but it slipped and fell. It was so hilarious(and all the while Shaz kept spewing corn bits and juices beside me) to see guys fumbling with their chopsticks and not getting anything up! It was down to Mr Najib and I,and guess who won? Me of course! *guffaws* He was not very contented,and challenged me to more meal time battles over the next few days. Well,why not?

We then had to pack our stuff and check out of this beautiful mountainside chalet,and also get ready for our third match,of which I'm not playing. Lunch came next,again another battle. *sniggers* There was this dish which was purely thick,unpeeled stalks of chye sim("This is the greenest dish I have ever seen!" says Hakim) and that became our forfeit. Whoever could not pick up gooey,wet mushrooms and wet watermelons with chopsticks will have to eat one of those untouched green stalks as thick as one's big toe. I lost first and once,and goodness gracious,the stalk that Hakim picked out for me was the thickest and greenest,and it was so hard,the stalk almost crunched when I bit it! *gags* But Haha,Mr Najib lost most of it and ate almost 5 thick stalks...because if any of us are able to pick up,he has to eat too! *big laugh*

After lunch we went to another pitch(sorry,can't remember the name) and played against a University. The third game was expected to be easy which was why I'm not playing,because I won't be learning much from it anyway...in fact Felicia only touched the ball once *sighs* As expected,it was very easy,so much so that I can't remember the score! the guys played next,and they won too. Then it was dinner,with more battles and choking vegetable forfeits,Haha. We then checked in at Newton Hotel,where we will spend the next two nights.

The night was spent shopping at Ladies' Street,a famous shopping district,much like Singapore's "pasar malam"s and gosh,it was really crowded! There was much pushing and squeezing and bargaining going on. We bought many stuff,things which can't be found back home,and the prices were reasonable,though not much cheaper than back home. We had a great time eating the ball-shaped plain waffles and fried octopus and curry fishballs,especially in the cooling weather!

Day 4

We had an American buffet breakfast eraly,because we have a long day ahead of us,filled with shopping shopping shopping! It was literally shop till you dropped,because there was just so much to see! The extensive transport system,which is almost identical to Singapore's MRT system,gave us an even greater incentive to shop because we can go so many places! There's not much details I can put in for a shopping trip,and although I'm by nature not a shopping person,I loved the experience. We shopped for 10 hours non-stop,checking out the quirky clothes and bags and shoes and watches and...just basically everything on sale. That night,I was so exhausted,I could only manage a cold sandwich(too tired to wait for the microwave) from 7-11 before falling "dead" on bed.

Was just snoozing soundly,when suddenly all the girls burts into the room,pulled my warm comforter from me and blasted "Happy Birthday" into my dozing ears. It was so unexpected and I was really touched by their thoughtful gesture. Honestly,I myself have forgotten it was my birthday the next day-3rd December! They couldn't find a cake anywhere,and had to make do with a sponge cake from 7-11(my favourite restaurant,haha),decorated with Pocky sticks arranged like candles stuck on top of the cake. I was so groggy and shocked by the whole thing,but at least I could manage a few pictures. Thank you girls,especially Siew Min,for such a simple yet touching gesture. It really means alot :)

Day 5

Today was the last day,but since our flight is at night,we have a morning and afternoon,so Siew Min,Shara and I decided to go Ocean Park,which is like a theme park by the sea. This is where the longest escalator in Asia is found. In addition,there were thrilling rides,underwater galleries and slow rides. Just like any theme parks,with popcorn and games and loads of fun.

Sideview of the escalator

Beautiful seaside scenery

The rides were thrilling,and I'm proud to say I conquered the worst of them all *winks*

Proud pose from the seal!

Giant octopus *wonders if she ate its brother last night*

Right-on snap of a mollusc

Marine shot of the underwater gallery

Still,it was a great day,though we had to leave early at about 3 to gather back at the hotel and head for the airport to catch our flight back home. On the way,Siew bought me two small cupcakes,another thoughtful gesture to remind me of my 17th birthday,and we spent the rest of the waiting time eating cakes and Mochi,drinking milk and taking last few pictures.

We had another uncomfortable flight back home,which was also delayed,because poor Felix lost his passport while running from the shop selling Krispy cream doughnuts to the deaprture gate. To make matters worse,he is an Indonesian,and the Indonesian embassy has to be contacted. In the end we had to leave him at the airport,together with Mr Seet. Hope the poor guy is home already at the time I'm typing this. It really sucks to be held back and not be able to go home,after so long in a foreign country!

All in all,it was quite a fun trip,although I'm really glad to be back home,where I can run(*smiles*) and hang around with my friends and go church. Home sweet home!

Praise the Lord!

2007-11-25T21:09:00.000+08:00

How often have you heard of life-changing expereinces that turn one's life completely around? Some may be for the better,some for the worse,Amen,but they never fail to invoke feelings of wonders and amazement,and more unfortunately,regret. How can one change so much?

Today was my first time attending church service at Tabernacle of Joy,after long forbiddance from parents,who were much against the religion. I can't blame them for having the wrong impression though-they had rather bad experiences with the fanatics...But the point is,going to church rocks! :D Finally,someplace where I felt I really belonged,and Love was just so thick in the air,together with His heavenly presence. Oh praise the Lord!

On another note,warning to everyone out there,DO NOT JOIN TWO CCAS. Especially if you have stronger committment to one,because sometimes the need to compromise certain trainings for another can leave you feeling like shit. It was supposed to be whacking intervals for cross with the chummy crossers tomorrow,yet I have to sacrifice that to go for full hockey training(where I don't very much belong either) *sighs* It really sucks to see your friends running so hard,while you are stranded on the pitch,behind layers of insulating,sweat-drenched(and yes,stinky) plastic and just waiting for the ball to come whacking you. And all the time your heart yearns to be with your friends,longing to join them in the tough training and hopefully,share the pain together,and then share the joy after the whole training is completely overcome. What can beat that feeling?

Looks like I have to do the intervals alone in the afternoon,braving the merciless sun...But then again,I'm sure God has a plan for me,and something good will always come out of such seemingly bad things. Amen.

Ah whatever...

2007-11-22T18:52:00.000+08:00

*rolls her eyes*Whatever man...we shouldn't give a damn to what people say about you,because what can they do? Kill you with their words? Well,some may say mental and emotional hurt is worse than any kind of physical hurt,but I beg to differ. I mean,come on man,you can DIE from the latter! Why give up such a great life just 'cos of some retarded comments from retarded people who have yet to look at themselves in the mirror?! Ah so not worth it...

No life

2007-11-20T20:28:00.000+08:00

Been doing nothing much except training training training...double sessions everyday except Wednesdays and Saturdays(Sundays don't count,mind you) and even on Wednesdays I still have hockey trainings...actually not that I'm complaining,at least there is something to do instead of rotting at home. *smiles* And reading the Bible really helps!

The wonders of His love...

2007-11-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

Say hello to the dawn’s arrival
Open your eyes to a brand new day
Lift your head to feel the sun’s blessing
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
Each gentle ray blesses the living
We all reach out for its energy
Its gentle warmth it will caress you
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
For every tree and every flower
That dances in the sun
For children playing in the daytime
And having their fun
For every broken heart
that sees the Light of day
The morning light will show you the way

The morning light will show you the way
Illuminating all that it touches
Brings out the color of the world
Its warmth it gives us good feelings
The morning light will show us the way

The morning light will show us the way
For every tree and every flower
That dances in the sun
For every childhood smile
That touches everyone
For every life that we are given
For every dream realized
The morning sun will show you the way

I saw the light yesterday,and man,it felt good. Mind you,I'm not loony or anything,just that I revelled in a presence so divine and unearthly that it seemed too good to be true,except it was really true. God bless the world!

Peace out

2007-11-13T18:35:00.000+08:00

Peace, Bring it on
Peace, peace
You do no wrong
Peace, peace, peace
You are strong
Stronger then hatred
Stronger than fear
Stronger than the dark powers
of a troubled mind
Peace
Stay with me...
Peace, peace
Flee not,
try to be kind!
Peace, peace, peace
Why hath thou so tough to find?

Peace out people...it's time to talk things out and solve evrything we have to solve. Enough of all this politics and backstabbing,let's just be honest with one another from now on. We can't carry on doing this,hiding and faking and being so superficial. Yes,and that includes me,I know. No more acting nice and happy all the while and letting others get on top of my head. No more substitute,no more "spare tyre",no more playing second fiddle.

Angsty angsty angsty

2007-11-09T21:39:00.000+08:00

Anger is deep within me
Anger is what I want to hear
Anger drives me crazy
Anger is what turns me on
Anger wants to kill me
Anger is what makes me mad
Anger inside me
Needs to stop
Where did it come from?
Will it ever stop?
My anger is uncontrollable
Anger lashes out at innocent victims
But, why, where, who, what-
Brought me so much anger?
Everything makes more anger in me
Life's full of pain...
Is there ever gonna be an ending?

Not again...!

2007-11-07T20:52:00.000+08:00

Another injury to add to my fast growing list...Thank God it's not THAT serious as the previous one,nor as painful. This was sustained during a pre-match training session,when the girls were just randomly whacking shots at me. And I have to dance around them,blocking and kicking,when suddenly a hard shot came,and I used the left side of my right calf to block it,and instead of the usual loud "pock" of ball hitting plastic,there was this soft "thup",and there was an accompanying unbearable pain that quickly took control of my entire leg. In just a second,I was doubled over,clutching the fast-numbing leg with tears streaming down my face. Fuck. I looked like some soft sissy,but hey,it was bone-splitting ache okay!

Curses came later when I realised the gear wasn't padded up properly and was loose at one side,exposing just the right amount of leg to the ball. And how nice and accurate the shot was to hit right at the vulnerable spot. Ugh,Murphy's Law working hard again...I then remembered it was Mr Seet who helped me with the padding up just now,damn,but it's also my fault for not checking whether it was secured properly. So for the next hour or so,I had to bear with the pain of having the kickers,securely and firmly tightened,pressing fucking hard against my already swelling blue-black leg. Yeah,and run around with it,when I can hardly move with something so tightly pressed against the swell! It hurts,every step just made me tear,but what can I do? Bear with it and play on. *sighs*

One leg's healed and the other gets injured...taking turns eh?

Uh...excuse me?

2007-11-04T20:51:00.000+08:00

Yes yes,life is never fair. I'm so going to sound like some ole complaining shit,forever nagging on societal woes. But alas! I cannot ignore it! It's so prevalent,it's making me cringe in pent-up anger and frustration whenever I think of it...Humph.

It's going to sound really disrespectful-especially in such a conservative society where the aged is valued beyond imagination,and where filial piety and love for the "zhang bei" forms the core of traditional ideals. To disrespect or show any signs of impatience towards this greying group of people is openly asking for trouble:Hushed murmurs,discreet finger-pointing,open head-shaking and loud tsk-tsking. But sometimes they ought to look on our side of the story and realise why we were impatient in the first place. Just take today's swim for example. More than half the Olympic sized pool is "cordoned" off to allow NON-registered(what the hell...?!) swimming lessons for pesky,sniffling kiddos,leaving behind a few measly lanes for the rest of the public. I got one lane right at the corner,and was doing my timed laps when suddenly two species of the greing population just appeared in my lane,right in front of me. Apparently they swam over from their own lanes(for what reason I don't know...a lane is just a lane...was mine prettier or something?) and swam at a pace so slow it can make a sloth cry. And they were in front of me...me with the watch ticking. And the lane which they came from just kept screaming,"EMPTY!" Okay fine. So I tried overtaking them(which affected my timings quite badly),but just as I passed them,I could see them giving the evil eye,while shaking their silvered heads at me in disappointment. It's as if they were saying,"Young people nowadays..." WHAT do you want me to do?! Swim behind you?! The sloth would have died from lack of tears,I tell you!

That reminds me of another incident(which is becoming much more common nowadays) on the overhead bridge leading to East Coast Park. This is the dreaded connection where we do our deadly intervals-6X1.65km-with killer timings to hit. And just at our most shag moment,the one right after whacking the Everest-like slope,we see a strong formation of silver-headed troops marching at a speed which can make a snail hang its head(if it even has one!)in defeat. And they are trudging four abreast,so it's absolutely impossible to squeeze past them without having to brush past them,inviting angry responses. Mostly we yell,"Excuse me!" but all the same,still get returned with dirty stares and snide mutterings,just because we sound impatient and rude.But hey,we are doing killer timed intervals man,do we have a choice? I mean,what do you want us to do? Push you down and go,"Whoops sorry Pops! Didn't see you there!"? Now that you hear the other side,life is unfair for us,don't you think?*shakes her head*

Move on already!

2007-11-02T20:53:00.000+08:00

Hope is the sweet, sweet scent
of flowers in the morning
Hope is the cool gentle breeze
on a warm summer's day
Hope is the knowledge of stability
from a son in mourning
Hope is the bright shining light
keeping darkness at bay
Hope is the calming warmth
during a cold winter
Hope is the determination
of an athelete on the track
Hope is the potential
of a newborn baby
Hope is the warmth
between you and me
Hope springs eternal...

Say goodbye to the old and welcome the new! Everyone's gotta move on...no more dwelling in the past and not letting go of the memories,hard as it may seem. "Time awaits no one"

So long,Chinese!

2007-10-29T23:02:00.000+08:00

13 years of studying Chinese...and all is over today...FINALLY. Not that I miss it,no way. Hell,I'm so glad I don't have to be forced to speak another sentence nor write another line in that dreaded language ever again. Call me potato or ang-moh pai,whatever,I don't give a shit man! But then again,who says it's all over? What if I-touch wood- fail and have to re-take again next year? No no no...not gonna entertain that thought. Bad omen. :(

Last thing to tackle now...fucking PW. Ugh,so much last minute shit,many apologies to my patient group members for having to put up with my late submissions of my script and works,and of course to Mr Wong,who has to rush through my uber late submissions and burn the midnight oil so as to return to me on time,filled with constuctive comments,the next day. PW really sucks,and it's just so we are the last suay batch again. The kiddos after us will no longer have to go through this mindless suffering of meeting deadlines and cracking their brains to think up of ridiculous,theoretical ideas that ain't gonna be carried out anyway. What shit man?

*sighs* I better stop blogging,can hear my cue cards screaming,"Hey fuck you! Pick us up and start your fucking rehearsal or you would just fucking shit in your pants during your OP tomorrow!" Yeah,whatever man. Fuck yourself la,damn PW.

Broken dreams

2007-10-27T22:14:00.000+08:00

What do you do when the world crashes around you-just from hearing the bad news you have sort of expected but still dreaded to hear? Nothing. You just have to stick it out and move on with life. Killing yourself would be too stupid a thing,because,hey,life is worth more than just that,and it's not worth it somehow. No way. Moping around and suffering from major emo drawbacks would be the most viable option I guess. Sit around with a huge moon face and think think think,sometimes consuming yourself and others around you in those killing thoughts of yours,or just being listless and spaced out in every daily activity,again with your mind and heart working overtime to cope with the major emotional bomb. Ah,such things do happen to everyone at some point of their life,no matter how super-uber happy they may appear. So,it's not just you.

Today's the first day I started running since that bad,embarrassing fall of mine,and man,it felt good. Hours after hours spent on the dull elliptical machine has nearly made me as gray as itself,and being able to run outdoors in the cooling breeze is really a fresh awakening.

The wound's starting to itch,oh-so-unbearably,and I long to scratch scratch scratch it all off. Ah,but that would have been disastrous and I probably would have to spend another week limping around on my blood-leaking leg,and stay off from hockey practices,which I so badly need now,before the game on the 5th. Some of the scabs have peeled themselves off though,and I can see the raw pink skin underneath,cute! They look so innocent and fresh,totally uncorrupted by and unexposed to the dirt of the outside world,awww...But the urge to peel scabs is so great! The feeling is damn shuang,and I already got a queue of people wanting to help me do it: Sarah,Li Yin,my brother...Sorry people,the honours goes to myself,for enduring the pain of the injuries!

The pain that you feel,
but can't touch.
A pain you know of,
but can't explain.
A pain so fierce,
you go insane.
The unknown pain
that clutches your heart
and burns in your soul.
The pain in your life,
too strong to carry on.
The unknown pain
that clouds your mind
and devours your every thought.
The pain of broken promises and broken dreams,
is a pain that's unheard of
and a pain that's not seen.

How does he know???

2007-10-24T21:58:00.000+08:00

Beware of Tan Yew Hwee...He who possess the eyes of a hawk and ears of a dog(hey! it rhymes...!). Walk around anywhere in school and his eyes are bound to be steely fixed on you,casting an ominous sense of dread and terror in any unfortunate case you happen to do something he feels is wrong. You cannot see him,but he is watching you closely,ready to pounce on you once something goes just a little bit awry.

He actually caught Megan and I "jay-walking" on the road just outside VJ,but hey,we had no choice! The road to the zebra crossing was bloody under construction,and we had no normal road to walk on except across,so we jsut did what every normal human being would do-cross the road! And there wasn't any cars around,I can vouch for that,yet later during training he came to us and grabbed each of our ear in his hands and chided us for crossing the road carelessly. How the hell did he know? He can't be driving...I swear there wasn't any cars around! Walking to school maybe? Hmm...an enigma indeed.

And today he caught me limping to school,though it seemed pretty deserted at the time when I came. I was nearly late for my freaking mock Chinese test,so I was forced to quicken my pace,and when I speed up my poor leg tends to complain,so it became a sort-of half limp. But how did he see? From PE dept? His eyes must have been damn sharp man! *sigh* He remains a mystery in VJ yet to be solved...

Hello leg...!

2007-10-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

It's weird to have people greeting my leg before greeting me. It's almost as though it's a natural response to glance at my leg,before finally looking up and going,"Oh hi Michelle!" And for random people in school or on the streets,one glance is not enough,two or more can then whet their appetite of seeing pus-filled,blood-caked wounds. There are those who don't just glance,they STARE. It's like their eyes are pinned unmovingly on my leg,unflinching,unless they sense me staring back at them with a,"Yes? You got a problem with that?" look,or when I simply pass beyond their line of vision. *shakes her head*

Many thanks though,to those who showered their endless concern-Faith,who stops me from walking around too much,Xiang,who constantly wishes me,"Take care" in a very sad tone,and Siew for her warm messages. I will be fine guys,not to worry,and soon will be up and running crazily around again! :)

I have depression-I admit,
Admit that I have been depressed,
Thinking how much I wish I could be happy,
Thinking how much I want in life,
Thinking how much you can miss someone you love...
When I look back,
I can see how much this depression has been there in my life.
I need it to be fake,
I need it not to be true,
Yet again its true that I'm depressed,
and it makes me sad on the inside and the outside.
My depression has caused me to see how sad I can be,
How it makes me feel,
How it makes me think of cutting and suicide.
But,we are all humans,
And we have all have something to overcome.
I will overcome this depression once and for all,
I will fight back somehow!
This depression I will get rid of someday,
But for now,I have to deal with it.

My leg...oh my leg...!

2007-10-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

Okay,I can conclude I'm one of the most clumsy and accident-prone people on Earth. No kidding. I MUST sustain a major injury at least once every few months,and each time,it's a torture to both body,soul,and the people around me *grins*

This time,though,it sounds really really dumb. I fell into a drain. I'm serious. I happened to be walking along this really dark road lined with uncovered drains that reach right up to my knees,and under the dim glow of a distant street light,the chasm looked like a patch of dark green grass. Ah,so without really looking carefully,I just planted my left leg on top of the "grass",and hey presto! Three sets of scabs that looked as though some damn fierce alley cats got seriously pissed at me for tresspassing their territory or something. Damn. How fucking embarrassing. It was funny at first,knowing I FELL INTO A DRAIN,but when the pain started setting in,it was no longer funny. It was this slow,stinging pain that seared right from the scraped skin all the way to the raw,bloody interior. Yeah,OUCH. I then started sniffing,which turned to full-blown tears cascading uncontrollably. I immediately thought of calling my brother,who is most probably still out now with a car,but ring ring ring and no answer. Okay,so I had to limp to the bus stop,and once under the lights,I got to see how fucking disgusting the injuries were. Bloody,mixed with unknown whitish body fluids that just kept dripping and streaming...ewww! And the pain,oh the pain,it was just unbearable man!

I was like,really biting my lip when I finally got on the bus and all the while there was this insupressable urge to burst out screaming from the pain. Somehow,I managed to hold it all in until I reach home and got my mum to attend to it,and boy,did the screams come! Look at how bloody the wounds were! *shudders*

Many thanks to everyone for your concern,after seeing my big mummified leg...Ahhh,though the most common reaction was,"Which guy were you looking at?" Haha,ironically,I wasn't looking at anything,that's why I couldn't see the drain!

My mum just removed the gauze and bandage a few minutes ago...and fuck it!!! It hurts like the dickens...as in really really hurts! She had to be slow in removing the stubborn gauze that stuck like glue due to the dried blood and pus and whatever disgusting liquids...UGH! And hey,looks what under all that crap...no wonder it hurts so bad. It still hurts now though,after she put this thick whitish antiseptic cream that looked sickeningly like mayonaise. Hmm...mayonaise and sardines in tomato sauce? Not bad an analogy...

In search

2007-10-20T22:53:00.000+08:00

Seems like this font is much easier to read than the previous eye-popping Times font...haha sorry for only realising this after nearly 70 posts!

Lately it seems I have been doing alot of thinking. Not just any normal kind of thinking,nor those exam-type of thinking,but just a deeper form of thinking which usually has alot of reflections. I question the big issue of trust and friendship. What really defines true friends? Those who possess the idealistic virtues of loyalty and trust and love? I suppose so. But it's really heartbreaking to realise that friends you trust so much and tell everything to are actually capable of using what you have divulged against you and start forming biased perceptions. You told them because you think they won't turn against you. However,people are always biased. Fuck my luck to have trusted people who are already closer to your adversaries,so no matter how you try to convince them to believe your side of the story,which is,in fact,the truth. Too late,they have already some biased feelings against you and there is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and bear with the unfair treatments. Whatever man,fuck trust. I learnt never to open my mouth so much around those people anymore...it's just going to contribute to my downfall in the future. In front of you they may act all nice and trusting,"I promise I won't tell anything. No worries. TRUST ME." Yet who knows behind your back they blabber everything you have said. Fuck. Backstabbing is by far one of the worst things one can do to another,especially after the planting of so much trust. But...*sighs* life shouldn't be wasted on dwelling over such things,it's simply not worth it. There are many things to be happy about! Like what I have been constantly urging Megan(though I myself felt like shit many a-times...ah,I'm just so superficial!),we must stay strong and opptimistic throughout no matter how bad things have become,because,if we were to look at what we can gain from the downfall,it's really not that bad after all. It's all in the mind man.

Emo emo emo...it's going out of control! Unknowing tearing on long,lonely bus rides home,frequent heart wrenches throughout the day,sudden loss in interest in things,snappy attitude towards parents...*sighs* Mood swings? Nah,it's just an excuse to say mood swings are the main cause. I just don't like facing up to the real situation and accepting it,ah,but there's really no choice! *shakes her head*

Went to NJC's Cest La Vie yesterday after training. Expected it to be a super huge event,but was very disappointed at the dismal turnout and the general lack of enthusiasm and cheery atmosphere. I mean,it's supposed to be an end-of-year concert! Come on,there ought to be more life and fun! And ironically,Cest La Vie means something along the lines of "That's life!" Hmm... But I'm just glad that I got to catch up with my giant friend Long Hao and of course my wonderful,lovable squashers. I love you guys!!! Felt really nostalgic seeing them again,though it's not the whole team...only Joanne,Ben and Chris. but it's still better than nothing. Aww really missed you guys! And the bittersweet feeling of walking under the staircase through the dusty,secret passageway leading to the oh-so-familiar squash courts where I practically spent my entire 3 months of NJ existence,just hanging out with great squashers,sleeping,training,and of course,playing squash. And when I held the racquet for the first time since March,to play with Chris,I just felt like crying again. Somehow I just wonder what will I turn out to be like if I had stayed at NJ instead of moving to VJ. Squash,not cross-country. No hockey. Grey uniform. Haha,I really can't imagine. Anyway,I played a damn cool game with Chris(even though I got thrashed badly,but hey,I haven't played in ages okay?) and the feeling of swinging that racquet against the little black ball and sprinting wildly around the court(I played in my uniform by the way...ugh!) and nearly crashing into each other...it just rekindled my love for squash and made me realise how much I missed playing it. Aww...*wipes tears* I may even consider joining squash! But,that would mean 3 CCAs,and all sports...Lots of coping to do! *starts her train of thoughts again*

Cross girls trip

2007-10-16T21:46:00.000+08:00

The first time we cross girls(year ones) went on an overseas trip,unattended by any teachers,but under the supervision of Megan's dad and Siew Min's mum. What fun it was,though it was exhausting through and through. We gathered at Mega's place on Sunday morning,and her dad drove all of us straight to Malaysia. But we were kinda early to meet Siew's uncle,so we just hanged around City Square,a Malaysian version of Plaza Sing,maybe just a bit bigger and with very different shops selling odd merchandise and the like. Meg and Sarah shared this huge XXL Shihlin fried chicken,and it was so tough for them for the vendors refused to cut it for them,even under request. Against their religion or just plain lazy? *shrugs her shoulders* We then met up with the driver who was to lead us to the resort,and on the way I just conked out with Meg while Siew and Sarah watched X-men 3 on the mini TV. Haha,too bad they couldn't complete the whole show-we arrived faster than expected.

Lunch at the golfers' cafe,ate so much:caesar salad,some of Sarah's mee rubus and Siew's nasi lemak,plus this really cool grass jelly and coconut drink. YUM! We then checked into our sprawling villa just 5 mins drive from the main resort,and what a cool place it was! It was just a whole villa to the six of us,with so many bedrooms and beds,and the best thing of all,we can turn on all aircons and leave them on throughout the day! *grins* Rested for a while,then went bowling at this really small but private alley. Keep it up,Meg! She really improved after a few games,form the perpetual "longkang" shots to 8-pin and even spares...Not bad not bad! Siew was the best bowler among us four girls,and we could see why-her mum was silently fantastic! *claps*

Horse riding was next-the main activity of this trip. We drove to this horse riding ranch and met again with Siew's uncle,who was to coach us on the basics of horse riding and the different techniques to ride a horse. But we were unfortunately too captured by his litter of uber uber cute puppies...Oh my gosh...just take a look and them and you can't help but cuddle and squish and play with them all day long.And Meg was forever crooning,"Oh so cute...!" Just a pity they were really dirty for they are allowed to roam freely on the dirt-covered ground.

Aww...aren't they cute?

We eventually got down to learning how to horse ride. The horses are damn cute too...just their sheer sizes make them not as lovable as the small little bundles of fur. Really tame too,these former race horses. Black,brown,white,small...they come in all colours and sizes. Altogether there were 8 of them,enclosed in stables. My training horse was the only black one,and supposedly the tamest and oldest among them all. It is the one used frequently to give rides for small children and old people.

The session was rather fun,though it hurt alot when the horse broke into a trot-it just bumped my ass up and down on the oh-so-hard saddle,and even worse,we had to try really hard to keep in rhythm with the bouncing by using our knees and going up and down,up and down,up and down...It's like doing 20 sets of half-squats man! *shudders* But overall it was fun when you get the rhythm right,it just feels like bouncing on air(pardon the bad analogy).

Dinner after that was a whoo-hoo cool 10 course seafood fare,and all of us just gorged ourselves like there's no tomorrow. Seems like an exhausting round of horse-riding really emptied our stomachs. Gosh,the cheese crabs and Thai-Pan style butter prawns were really great,together with the fried squids and steamed fish...everything was just so fresh and so nice...and the ambience was rather cool too-we ate on a kelong at the sea! Everyone felt like bursting after that,and we just got around comparing how much our tummies have bloated out over our pants! *laughs* Feeling fat but contented,we headed back to the freezing villa(no kidding...the room Sarah and I shared was set at a biting 15 degrees!). That night was just about the best thing for me during the trip. Meg and Siew came bundling into our room,and the four of us had a great time gossiping and laughing(hell lots!) and basically having one of the best bonding sessions ever. We talked about everything and anything,school life,personal lives,guys(but of course! *winks*) and knowing so much more about one another while roosting ourselves among the really puffy and warm comforters of the beds. Love ya all gals,thanks for such a great time! *hugs*

Woke really early the next day to go running with Meg's dad. What an invigorating run! The route was a refreshing change from the boring routes around my house and ECP,and the weather was just perfect-abit dewy and cloudy with not so much of sun. Meg's dad was a real sporting running partner too...he paced me the whole time and seemed to be doing intervals! We got back after about an hour,and then headed for breakfast at the clubhouse again. It was a buffet spread with great roti prata(ah...but it's so fattening!*pouts*) and baked beans and bread with marmalade and all the other usual spread of buffet food. We didn't eat too heavily as horse-riding was up next. Like before,we had a short training session before we each got a horse and headed for the much anticipated jungle trail. It was an hour-long trail through the vast forested land and plantations surrounding the ranch,and it would have been damn fun if I had not been so exhausted! I was literally having a shut-eye atop the horse,and nearly fell off! *shakes her head* The scenery was perfect-a verdant spread before your eyes,coupled with the serenity of the calm forest.

We were supposed to go swimming after that,but in the end it rained,so we decided to eat lunch instead and go home after that. Everyone was just totally knocked out-we fell asleep the moment our butts landed in the car. It was a quite satisfying sleep,though not enough to satisfy my piggish cravings... *snorezzz* When I reached home I fell asleep right away-again-this time on my mum's comfy king-sized bed. It had been a great two days,no matter how exhausting they were,and I truly treasured the bonding times with my fellow crossers/friends.

School today,with Chinese lessons for us poor losers to start off the day with a "bang" *rolls her eyes*. Chinese test after test,work after work...fuck. It could really suck after some time. Bleah. Guess we just have to get over with it sooner or later. Blame it on my fucking decision to drop higher chinese in Sec 1. Smart choice huh? Just like how I dropped KI and have to get stuck with Maths. Argh,fuck it,better stop reminding myself before I do something really bad...

Got back the last two of my papers for promos. Nothing good la...no improvement despite feeling I had studied my ass off this time around. Just like mid-years I got all Ds...except for a slight improvement in Geography from an S to an E now. But nothing wow about it la...disappointing in fact,considering I studied the hardest for Geog! :( Ah but I should be glad I'm spared from the tortures of having to study for R-papers,and that was my initial goal for this promos anyway...so cheers,goal accomplished!

Got really emo later during the day...all the really ugh feelings just keep swimming back uncontrollably. Thank god for the tough 8X1.2 cross training and hockey,at least something for me to focus on without having to think about about the mental pain. Fuck. And I have to constantly force myself to be all cheerful and optimistic when consoling my friends over their own troubles when I'm already like fucking dying and maybe even rotting inside...how superficial of me! But at least there were a few moments of "highness" for me...throughout the whole interval *small smile*. The days are really wearing away and time is like so not on my side man...agh fuck it! Then as if on cue,the heavens just poured like mad,as in,seriously,as though everything is emptying itself out up there. How symbolic the rain and gray skies are of my own innermost feelings-turbulence,gloominess,depression...Ah,get a fucking grip of yourself,gal,you can't keep going on like this or else you will just die next year(I know). Amen to that. *sighs*

Too much time...!

2007-10-11T22:13:00.000+08:00

Before promos,it's like everyone's rushing about and busying themselves with imprinting the entire contents of their notes into their minds,and they were simply too occupied to do anything else. And that's when all the to-do lists after promos come out,like "I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that," and we would all sit around and imagine how good it would be if we can just stop our mindless cramming and do what we want to do so badly. Yet,now that promos are over,it seems we have too much time on our hands that we complain of nothing to do. As in,we are seriously a bunch of bored people who take joy in nothing but sleeping and thrashy gossips about everything ranging from perfumes to eccentric characters like Mr Harris and Mr Cook. And it doesn't help that almost all our teachers constantly cancel our tutorials! How ironic of me! If they had done that just a few months ago,I would have been crazy with glee,but now I'm like,"What the fuck...? More time to do nothing again?" Ugh,reaching a state of ennui...Spent nearly four hours stoning at the stone tables(how apt!) and watching the rest of the happy world pass by to their tutorials and lectures,sometimes listening to MP3 at full volume till my eardrums start ringing,sometimes spacing out at the piano while Faith and Eunice tinkle happily on the keys,sometimes sleeping rather fitfully on the stone-hard(well duh! It won't be the stone tables for nothing...) chairs in an uber uncomfortable position and getting painfully roused by certain cries and wails...It must have been the most boring time of my life! What exactly did I come to school for? 15 mins of Econs lecture,just to collect my paper and of course,training. But otherwise...sigh,forget it.

How "suay" we were today! Always the first to kena sai kang...Faith,Eunice and I happen to walk out to 7-11 for a much needed boredom-breaking breather when we got stopped by the security guard to "do a favour". And guess what it turned out to be? Taking down the huge open house banner just outside the gate,with the brick-heavy poles and all. The strings were so securely tied,the banner was somehow nailed to the poles,the wood shoved splinters into our hands,the sun was beating down hard on us,the whole thing was infested with red ants,weird bugsy,fragmenting cocoons and surprise surprise!-a lizard that ran all over my arms leaving behind a soft,squooshy feeling. *shakes her head* And amidst all that shit,that damned guard just sat on his heavy bottom,with his legs splayed out,on his huge comfy chair under the shade,and-best of all-combing(yes,COMBING. don't ask me why) his eggshell-smooth BALD head! Infuriating sight,I must say. We poor girls doing a job which Jancy asked him to do! But sigh,what the hell,let's just say,we did someone a favour today,and that should be rewarding enough.

Time is really running out! It sucks to see the days slip by and knowing what awaits at the end. *splinters and fragments* It's like,there's so much I want to do,but there is just no opportunity anywhere and anytime,and it's just so ARGHHHH to sit and watch time tick on without being able to do anything. Why oh why? It's just so cruel man...and this is like one of the worst feelings to have!

The pain that you feel,
but can't touch-
a pain you know of,
but can't explain.
A pain so fierce,
you go insane.
The unknown pain
that clutches your heart and burns in your soul.
The pain in your life,
too strong to carry on.
The unknown pain
that clouds your mind
and devours your every thought.
Oh the pain of broken promises,broken dreams
the pain that's unheard of
the pain that's not seen...

Look up in the clouds...

2007-10-09T22:04:00.000+08:00

...and see the brilliant light filtering through like fingers of gold. Beautiful picture that is inherent of a thousand implicit meanings *hint hint:lit students* It's like releasing a gush of water from a previously clogged tap,or letting out rank air from an overstretched balloon,or opening the doors of an examination hall after the final paper and having throngs of students squeezing out. The idea behind it? Read between the lines and the similar motif among all three scenarios is indeed obvious,like white dots among a sea of black.

Trust, earned or lost
Do you have it from the beginning?
Do you earn it,
does it take long?
I think trust is earned and lost,
it must never be questioned...
For questioning trust is questioning your friend
If you have to question your friend
did you ever really trust them to begin with?
If trust is lost, will you ever get it back?
Will you ever be close to that person again,
will you ever hear their secrets?
How will it ever be the same again?

I understand what you mean Sarah,truly understand. Haha,yeah,it's like an epiphany that just kicked me in my head so hard,like how Jon Heng popped the floorball on my leg and left a red spot. Tough as you put it,it seems like the only way to go if I want to continue surviving in this increasingly warped world. What separates one fucking extreme from the other? Nothing but a thin line,as thin as that of a feeble guitar string. Guess I have to wake up and be more realistic,instead of forever trying so desperately hard to see the good-and mostly,fucked-up superficial-sides of people,when their actions are so blatantly screaming in my face...Whatever happened to the simple fundamentals that used to help build strong friendships? Where did those fucking values go? Honesty,love,TRUST. Fucking trust. And with that comes the oh-so-evil betrayal...how apt that behind every virtue is bound to have a totally screwed "non-virtue". Fuck that. Fuck betrayals and betrayers alike. Just so they can be the first to-wow-sensationalise things? Yet cowardly hide their betraying countenances behind loads of bloody promises and vows? Fuck you,all yer cowards...

Enough of rolling in useless waves of self-realisation-time to live life the non-fantasy way...oh,but not before I complete the last thing I have and want so badly to do. Friday? It will come...bring your positive energy to me Sarah,and let's do it...no more face to throw away anyway...! XD

Open what house?

2007-10-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

Bleah. Even TYH feels that the atmosphere ain't there,as compared to the previous years. Sure,lots of preparation and work was put into setting up the booths,pasting the posters and preparing the various performances,but there just isn't this "oomph" factor. And that was kinda reflected in the dismal number of people,as Phy puts it,"one-third of the past year's crowd",and was worsened by the bakingly hot weather and exhausted organisers. Plus,the stressed out Sec 4s are just two weeks from their final showdown,and many may choose to stay at home and mug for the last stretch of their four year journey. But whatever it is and no matter how it turns out,I'm sure everyone did their best and at least enjoyed certain parts of the day.

Cross outing yesterday...it was fun despite the obvious tension,but no blame on anyone,and just glad that everything is fine now. It was especially "bonding" when the five of us sat in a circle outside Marina Square,at one of the jutting out platforms and contemplating how painful it would be if it breaks off and all of us would be sent into a tumble onto the concrete and stone below. Ouch. Crazy thoughts from a bunch of crazy crossers who were just looking for a fun time out,being deprived of a movie and of bowling. Haha. In the end we just ended up talking about everything and anything under the sun-or rather,the moon,oh and the stars *looks at Jon Tan and Sarah*-and just simply getting a bellyful of laughs from everyone. Such a simple thing yet it did help bring us much closer. *smiles* Thanks to all crossers who made it,love ya all,for making it so meaningful...We rock man,haha. XD

I totally love Avril's current hit single,"when you're gone" with the hyper emo lyrics and detailed descriptions which fit current situations-how apt! It just wrings one's heart out and sends tears cascading uncontrollably...*wipes her eyes*

Heave a sigh of relief

2007-10-02T09:50:00.000+08:00

Over. Officially over...no more tag-along,dangling,irritating Chinese paper following up behind the gush of heavy content-based subjects. *sighs* Not that it was an easy paper,but heck,when it is the last paper,you basically just want to get it over and done with,and who gives a damn about how tough it was?

Promos were...well...better than mid years for most papers...but there were still some head-scratching moments,like whether graphs were supposed to be drawn for certain ambiguous questions,and whether the personna was about birds or humans blah blah...Sheesh,guess it's too late to think about it,now that it's over yeah?

First day of training yesterday,after Chinese paper and made to whack 10km time trail. Ahh the starting off was really tough,all of us were like chionging man! And just push push push all the way...But again the feeling after it was really cool...like YEAH MAN I COMPLETED IT!

Thanks Sarah...oh my gosh thanks lots for accompanying me when I went to get my dose of natural "highness" situated at the canteen. It was really good,that feeling,and it's like a whoosh of exhilirating feelings that have been repressed so long...all the old,nostalgic feelings just kept bubbling to the surface,and tell ya what,it just felt good man. Ahh those good old days-I have yet to give them up! And I will not forget. If given a chance,I would have carried on with that "highness",just missed it sooooo much! I never realised that till now...oh...and it's going to be gone real fast,like sand slipping out of the grasp of my fingers uncontrollably. I can't help it,and neither can it stay. Guess everything's got its passing time yeah? *sighs* Anyway all the best for your "umbrella guy",hope everything goes out fine. If it doesn't,don't despair,and know that at least you have tried and there's nothing you can do on your part. It's better than regretting not doing anything and just keep waiting and waiting hopelessly you know...getting an answer is always better,trust me,I know how it feels to be in limbo,like at Dante's purgatory. It sucks.

Dali's work...freaking intriguing!

Slowly,slowly,just a bit more...

2007-09-26T21:22:00.000+08:00

Okay,I have to admit,it's really fast. I mean,exams have barely started,but...it's gonna end. Just one more literature paper...we can do it guys. ONE MORE PAPER!! Three more excruciating hours with sore butts,freezing arms,breaking fingers and worst of all,squeeze dried brains. Cool.

Pray that Mr Harris won't repeat history and set some really random poem with the words of "muchness","parcel" and "brown fruit" in it. *hint hint* All the way...time to study the Great texts...

Regrets...

2007-09-18T23:16:00.000+08:00

To err is human. Raise your hands anyone who has yet to make a mistake in your life,and then regret like hell after that. The feeling of regret really sucks-literally and metaphorically. It just has this draining effect on you-whenever your life seems to be turning up towards a rare shaft of hopeful light,your brain inevitably warns you not to be so happy yet(damn you,brain) and make you think of all the mistakes you have made...then the furtive creep of regret just edges into your heart,dimming the brightness which lasted only for a pathetic few seconds. *sighs* To me,mistakes have been made repeatedly in terms of subject combinations(a bit anti-climax yeah? WHAT mistakes were you thinking?! tsk tsk). The stupid move of dropping Higher Chinese in secondary school because of the heavy sense that I would not be able to cope with the hefty demands of the subject. but,what the hell,I took Higher Chinese in primary school and had no problems with it! What drove me to such a dumb decision was beyond comprehension. And now I have to suffer the consequences of a childish,short-term decision:offering Chinese in JC. Damn. How sucky it is to see the rest of the class sprawled happily around the stone tables while we five "Cheena LOSERS" trudge grudgingly to the hyper-ululated classroom to face an entire hour of God-bless-me Chinese lessons! Thank goodness the teacher's an angel-humourous,patient and extremly forgiving,with both eyes closed. That's the only merit to compromise for the lesson,at least.

Onto the worst mistake that I'm still grieving like hell over now-oh how my heart bleeds and how my hands ache to whack my dumb head till it falls off in a tumble of hair,brain tissues and skull fragments,and my eyeballs to jolt out in pools of semi-gelatinous substance...Much more stuff I feel like doing to kill myself,ugh. WHY THE FUCK DID I DROP KI? Oh bloody hell,it's such a torture to think about it now. KI was really interesting,with Mr Ixer's humour and eccentricity,and his mind-boggling "What if"s that screw your cells inside-out. But most of all,it's my gateway to dropping the evre-evil maths,with its torrents of numbers and spidery graphs,its endless domains and most evil of all,the terrible Graphic calculator,which always turns its much abhorred glare on me and gives me graphs that look as out of place as a number in the middle of a word-filled text. *sighs*

Why oh why? Regrets...

From time to timeI have the sad
eyes of knuckles
The sad skin of
burnt rubber on the street
The sad word of yellow
Sad cold of concrete.
From time to time
I have the moist
breath of moss
The tiny prick
of tiny things
Drowned in a blood of hair
Grown in valley of skin over.
The woe is me
of my wanting
something secretly
to seek in
To kill my last sad emotion.

The pains of mugging

2007-09-15T23:24:00.000+08:00

Another angst-filled account of how painful mugging is to the developing,fun-seeking mind...Just planting your sore bottom on a rock-hard chair for what seemed like dreary hours and doing nothing but focusing your poor information-saturated brain on trying to accumulate even more information,most of which seems contradictory(hint hint...irony somehow just seems to spell: GEOGRAPHY) thus screwing your brain cells even more. At the end of the mental workout,more complex than any cross-training,you just crumble to the floor with a searing headache so stabbing you wish you didn't had a head. Bleahs...bad analogy...but you get the drift.

It's gonna be over soon...just hang in there for a while more!!! That's what I always tell myself when the spidery econs graphs seem to crawl over the paper and even up my pencils onto me,or when the rivers start gushing and the watery 'shush shush' sounds get stuck in my head,or when the concentric circles start spiralling down down into an empty chasm-my brain,that is,or when Pip suddenly jumps out from the pages of my yellowing text,despite his scarily rotund figure,and guffaws threateningly,"If I can't achieve my Great Expectations,neither can you!!" Oh man...I think I'm becoming increasingly schizophrenic...I'm serious.
What?! I am?
Of course...I display all the symptoms,don't I?
You gotta be kidding...what's the symptoms?
Hearing voices in the head,imagining impossible things etc. Yeah.
Oh shit...

Sick and tired

2007-09-08T23:52:00.000+08:00

It's scary how fast things can change...from the novelty and grandeur to be replaced by a degrading wear and tear. If it seems that I'm insinuating anything in particular,it's because I'm trying hard not to. Never mind you who don't understand what I'm blabbering about-"angsty emo girl thoughts"-you may think,but it's far more than just an adolscent swing,I assure you. As Fergie croons,"Big girls don't cry" and I'm not going to,not now,not over such trivial stuff,no way.

Mugging mugging mugging going on hard these few days in light of the impending promos. Less time to be spent on reading Stephen King novels,on blogging and Friendster,on running like crazy...All hail the almighty exams! *sighs*

What's with the cheap shot...?!

2007-09-05T15:47:00.000+08:00

The worst type of people are those who take advantage of you when you are at your most vunerable. They deliver cheap shots in such a furtive and clandestine manner,you only realise what they have done after they have vanished light miles away from you. If they are so desperate to do something just to satisfy their sickening primitive desires,they should do it openly in front of you and at least give you a chance to rebuke. Cheap shots are relflective of cowardice and dumb impulse decisions made without giving a fucking damn about how the victims would feel. To the cowardly bastard who delivered your disgusting cheap shot on me when I'm asleep on that public transport-you know who you are-I hope you think through carefully what you have done and feel bad that you have just ruined my future with all the traumatising thoughts. Screw you,you dickhead.

To all girls out there,beware of horny bastards. Don't fall asleep at any public place no matter how exhausted you are,especially when it's very crowded,and don't invite trouble by sitting inappropriately. the latter has been a hard lesson learnt on my part. Never am I going to sit in that hyper-shuang position again-it's not only unglam,it spikes testerone(which equals HORNY) levels in guys and activiates their sinful hands to take cheap shots at you. Don't risk it girls,it's not worth it. And it will adversely change your outlook on life.

Inspiring...

2007-09-02T22:56:00.000+08:00

Just heard from my brother that a recent news reported an extremly inspiring incident in India: a boy training for the furure Olympics event is made to run 50 miles everyday(yes,no mistake...EVERY day...holy goodness) and that's more than 70km. The best thing yet,this imba boy is only a mere FOUR years old! I was like,ultimately stunned when I heard it,and the apparently so have the many Human Rights Organisations and Anti-Child Abuse groups,who rallied for the arrest of his coach. He found the intrinsic talent of this boy through an intended punishment-since the boy was too young to be beaten for a mistake he has committed the coach decided to make him run a few-just a few- rounds on the track until he is told to stop. But-oh my gosh- he forgot all about the poor thing running outside until SIX hours later,and apparently he was still running. IMBA!!! My inspiration! Rock on dude...you are the torch that keeps the flame and passion for running alive... XD

Teachers' Day celebrations on friday was good,relatively better than Secondary School stuff,mostly due to more mature content and student involvements. Great performances by the student bands,the award-winning choir(go Faith! you rock gal) and of course the much highlighted Ge Tai performance by the male teachers...hmm...a very entertaining piece. And not forgetting the crazy videos made by the various committees...great job people! Amazing how the most feared teachers can actually be so humorous and cooperative in such crazy stuff-goes to show that everyone's got a fun side. *smiles*

Mugging going full-force...! Well,trying hard la. It's very confusing sometimes-now I know what they mean by it's very difficult to study for humanities subjects. I mean,I never knew human geography involves differentiating between supermarkets and hypermarkets! And that regional shopping centres and shopping complexes are two different things *eye widens* Man,both sound the same to me...!

Where have I been?

2007-08-26T09:48:00.000+08:00

In another world,where time flows by like the endless gush of the Zimbawe Falls...Okay bad analogy,but you get my point...Long time no blog,simply because there is no time. It's funny how the closer promos draw near,the more the activities seem to pile up,and I mean other activities besides studying. *sighs*

And now that there is no incentive to go to school,everyday of lessons seem more and more like a drag. Honestly,we should have self-study from now onwards,because going to school is simply a waste of time,especially for people like me who stay light years away from school. On average I waste about 3 hours everyday just on travelling to and fro. Sure,I try to be productive by reading notes on the bus,but with all the 'rock-and-rolling',I will develop throbbing migraines that last forever,and when I get home,I will be in no mood to study anymore,so more time wasted again. :(

Banned from training in school by the almighty TYH,who's afraid that I will suffer from fatigue and physical exhaustion *rolls her eyes* Thanks for your concern man,but honestly,I have been running everyday since Sec 2,and I haven't died yet(look here! I'm still alive! I'm still alive!). I don't see why I would get exhausted this time round. Whatever it is,no more running after school at ECP...So can someone remind me what I'm going to school for?(answering "studies" won't work,mind you)

All the best for promos...no R-papers...no retain!

Shucks...not again!

2007-08-11T21:47:00.000+08:00

National day rocks...really rocks. This is the time with consequent days free from the bore of lessons and the monotony of school life(except the CCA,stoning and talk cock sessions) and I get to repay my sleep debt,my homework debt and every other debts I owe so badly whenever there is school. :)

But,aside from all the joy of school-free days,it seems I'm not injury-free. *sighs* less than two weeks after my previous injury completely recovered,I sustained another wound at the exact same cursed right knee. And this time it was no small skin graze nor abrasion,but one gigantic,humongous gaping hole that sinks into the flesh,thanks to the knife-sharp rocks I fell upon. *winces* Also,this fall did not just injure my poor knee,it came with a whole host of "friends"-torn skin on both my palms *shakes her head* which renders my hands rather paralysed save the wriggly fingers. How nice. And now that knee seems so active and eager,even more eager than me to run...it has been doing some weird bleeding intervals,something like 2X0.1cm(two spurts of runny,pus-filled blood travelling a distance of 0.1cm on average) within half an hour. Many thanks to Siew Min who was so worried I would run out of blood. Not to worry gal,I'm sure I won't run out of blood...for now. And thanks to Miss Teoh who gave it a good bathing to clear all the coagulated blood around the knee and saving me from looking like Michelle-the-red-kneed-girl.

The pain wasn't there when I first fell,but it started to sting in a indescribable way,something like as though some idiot is constantly applying alot(and I mean ALOT) of pressure on a bruise(aka blue-black,or what we call "orh-cheah"). Yeah,that's the stupid thing I have to go through for the whole of next week and maybe even the following,given the fact that I rejected the option of stitches. No more stair climbing,no more jumping,no more fast runs. I can only settle myself(with gritted teeth) with slow long runs,all the while looking like some constipated freak,because I have to try really hard to keep the leg straight. For those who are about to call me "siao" and ask me to stop training,thanks for your concern,but your well-intentioned advice will fall on deaf(and stubborn) ears. It's just like asking a fish to stop swimming and go hiking instead. Haha,bad analogy,but yeah,hope you get the point. :p

Left hand...the most minor injuries

Right hand...with more torn skin

And the disgusting,gaping right knee,active during one of its intervals

Time,slow down...puhleese!

2007-08-04T21:11:00.000+08:00

Freak out freak out freak out! Think about promos and start freaking out. Look at the single page of my econs essay as opposed to the required four pages and start freaking out. Listen to a certain teacher lament about my shallowness in writing Literature critical appreciations and start freaking out. Touch the thickness of unread Geography must-reads and start freaking out. Seriously,can time do all of us inadequately prepared stoners a big favour and just slow down? So that maybe we can cram in some last-minute mugging...not that it will help much,but hey,as they say,every second counts...

Played a bloody session of inter-house floorball on Thursday,as in literally bloody. Three matches against three different houses,yet we persevered and played to our maximum capacity,all the while ignoring the tightness in our legs and the fatigue we accumulated from the entire week. It was worth it-Aquila emerged champions! :) But it came with a price,quite heavy I must say,on my part. Due to "accidental" raising of sticks(which is obviously a foul,yet the referee seems kinda oblivious to...),the skin on my left pinky was scraped off like the peeling of an orange skin and the nail on my right thumb was chipped till it bled all the way down my shirt. There I was,painfully holding on to the stick while wiping my blood-dribbling thumb on my shirt *winces*. Then there was a ball that came so close to the goal,and the only natural instinct was to do a slide to save it,but dammit,I kinda forgot I still had a raw pink wound on my right knee,and by landing on it,the tender skin sort of burst and sent another spurt of blood. Ouch. Looks like I may need a blood transfusion soon. Any donors? :p

Yesterday we had the NIE directors' relay run to raise money for Jurong Minds school-4.5kmX6 people. It started at around 7.15,and Sarah was our first runner. Off she sprinted with a whole group of people from other categories and groups...she came back after 20mins,and gave the rest of us some "insights" about the route,while Megan took off. Thanks Sarah,for all your "psychoing" and "just-do-it"s...and Siew Min too,for keeping me warm when I started breaking out in cold sweat and having frozen fingers. When Megan came back with her Mighty Mouse steps,it was my turn. The route was real shitty,especially near the end,where the gradual long slopes are real tests of endurance! There were so many of them,and the route was so "ululated",with nobody behind nor in front of me. And by that time,it was already 8plus,and darkness has enveloped the entire area. The occasional bouts of comfort came from the few road marshalls holding light sticks,to re-affirm that I'm running on the right track and not to somewhere I don't want to go...*shudders* But being night time,the weather was cooling,and furthermore that is my peak running time. Cool. I finally got back to the main building,after enduring the ardous slopes,and was taken over by Miss Ng,then Miss Teoh,and finally Siew Min,who got the most sweat-drenched relay strap,poor gal :p All in all,great job everyone! We won the 1st place,with the fastest timing overall. *big hugs* Full-day,anyone? :)

What the hell la...

2007-07-30T21:51:00.000+08:00

Okay,I know your comments are meant to be constructive,and that ultimately they will be for the greater good of myself...but sometimes you ought to take into consideration how one would feel. Sure,I may be one of the "safety nets" of the class,the one who's kinda lagging behind and who allows her work to deteriorate further by sleeping during lessons and running around instead of doing her tutorials. But that still doesn't fit whatever you have said to me! Feelings are very susceptible beings,especially to negative externalities from respected authorities...Fine,there's no point in complaining and whining so much now,especially if what you've said has happened,and what has happened cannot be undone,and thus there's no point in lamenting here,where you cannot even read. I will just do my best from now on to prove you wrong wrong wrong,and I give you my word-
I WILL NOT RETAIN.

I can't stay awake!

2007-07-26T21:44:00.000+08:00

These days I have been feeling increasingly exasperated at myself,simply because I cannot find the strength-both to stay awake and also to fight the irresistable temptations to "pon" lessons. The first 15 minutes into lectures and tutorials are perfectly fine,still able to absorb some trivial information,but the struggle comes after the first 15mins,when the drier yet more important info starts coming,and by then I have already shut-off,letting the drowsiness take over me in its lazy grasps. *sighs*

And then there is the "pon" demon which my poor conscience can't seem to defeat. Especially for my twice per week(yes yes,ONLY twice) Maths tutorial...Poor Mrs Ang! She's so nice,and precisely because of that,I'm feeling like shit now that I have "ponned" her lessons twice already,just to catch up on my sleep. But at that time it was impossible to turn down Jon Heng's offer to skip Maths because I was near-dead after an hour of GP,and was in no mood nor had any mental capacity to handle another hour of integration with the GC that hates me so much. *shakes her head* And the weather! It was so cold,the perfect temperature to curl up with a snuggy jacket at the stone tables and sleep my life away. Argh...excuses excuses! I better buck up,stop skipping lessons,concentrate during lessons-provided I don't fall asleep before that,and start doing my tutorials and readings before it's too late. I don't wish to screw any subjects during promos,which means no 'S's,so as to avoid taking the dreaded,holiday/training-consuming R paper. Or even worse,retain!

*takes a deep breath* ok ok ok...time to be really serious about academics now,much as I hate it! Goal of the year: Don't "kena" retained,nor "kena" any R papers...That's all.

Rain rain go away...

2007-07-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

It's the Mizuno Wave Run today,and such an important run calls for the dawning of a beautiful blue sky decorously dotted with white clouds,with filters of the mellow,golden sunlight. Unfortunately,I was rather groggily awoken to the dampening patter of raindrops and wheezing of the sick wind...damn. How demoralising can that get? I just wanted to crawl back into the snug covers,put my head under them and sleep all the way till I start rotting on the bed,given the oh-so-comforting weather. But of course,discipline is discipline,and I have to do what I signed up for. Furthermore,it's a run,and not some academic exam!

It was still drizzling by the time I managed to drag my sleepy legs to the starting line-which is barely visible under the huge mass of human bodies congregating and jostling one another. A record 8000 plus people took part,despite the horrible weather,and that called for a hugely disorganised and messy run. 10mins after the starting signal went,I was still walking because of the immense number of people already in front of me,and the road was so narrow that overtaking was impossible unless we want to face the risk of falling into canals or getting ourselves sucked up in mudpools as deep and sludgy as quicksands. But there was still no escaping the dirt and grime-there are some really really nice people who simply love sharing the joy of mud and muck with everyone else by plonking their trunk-heavy legs into mud puddles and making sure that everyone within a 5-metre radius can receive the slimy brown gifts as well. Thanks alot man. And there are those who are either too inclined on being the top runners or simply too blind to sense other people around them,for they shove and bump and poke like there's no tomorrow,especially the kind idiot who chose to target his diamond-hard bony leg at my poor blood-and-pus-oozing knee just because I overtook him and he's kinda "buay song" that a girl has quashed his sky-high male ego. *rolls her eyes*

Yet I cannot complain too much,because by taking part in such runs,I have to expect things like that to happen...in other words,they are inevitable. So on account of the experience gained,I must say,there is not much regret anymore for not burying myself under the covers for a snuggy warm sleep.

Ps. poor Agnes...hope your knee and your bloody blisters(ewww :x) heal soon...

The final day

2007-07-19T22:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday,18th July...the final day of Track and Field Nationals,but more significantly,the last day for our dear year 2s,many of whom ran their last few races *sniff sniff* Great job overall,with VJ clinching both 3rd places for the guys and gals! But most importantly,the strong ties that we have formed over the course of the past few months showed themselves clearly,and it's something that we can all revel in. Long live Track and Field! :)

Went for the highly anticipated track dinner afterwards at Jumbo Restaurant,and man,what a blast it was! The food was the whoo-hoo factor: crabs,prawns,squids...What more could we ask for? And not forgetting all the nostalgic speeches by Yao Peng and Mr Tan...aww I'd hate to part with the J2s! All the best for your 'A' levels guys,and a million thanks for the great company we had!

Ps. So suay la yesterday...Got the perfect excuse to pon school today,how cool was that! But unfortunately,I fell down laa,clumsy me stumbling over the pavement which was like so uneven! Then I inflicted on myself a wound as large as a fifty-cent coin which was like super disgusting-oozing pus and blood and all the oh-so-eww stuff *beep*

The good and the bad

2007-07-15T20:58:00.000+08:00

Okay,bad things come first...Nationals are so going to be over! Whaaa... That's not a good thing,to all those people out there who hate sports and can't understand why I'm lamenting,simply because:
1) No more training=No more endorphin-packed feelings after tough trainings
2) No more excuses not to do tutorials
3) No more ponning lessons on account of "Track support"
4) No more talk-cock sessions with the bunch of Track jokers after mass training sessions
5) Big reminders that it's time to be serious about mugging
*SIGH*
But I guess we still have another year of training to go through,and for that,I'm deeply grateful. :)

Good things=the liberation of Michelle. No detailed elaboration though,in case I make it too obvious(heck lah,isn't it obvious enough? *smiles*),just that I have finally settled bothersome stuff which have been plauging my internal health for quite some days. Gone is the load which has threatened to delve deeper,but many many thanks to all the supportive friends around me,especially when I need them the most. The problem is solved. For now.