Throwing away the old man

What happens when you throw away the old man? You get a new one, and nobody can do that for you but Jesus Christ. This may sound ridiculous(...can almost hear your smirks), but that was how I felt in the first place, when my life revolved around sin and darkness. I doubted His saving grace, His mercies and most of all, His love. Who could ever love me so much even after all that I have done? Who could turn my thinking 180 degrees-from being so in the world to being of the world?

Jesus Christ.

He taught me that love is never meant to be an emotion alone. Love is MORE than just an emotion. It is the unconditional love and loyalty that one has for another that keeps the cords of committment and faithfulness strongly entwined, never unravelled by the erosion of time and bad circumstances. And that was the agape Love that He showed us on His road to calvary.

Life may stink now, with the looming A levels examinations just waiting like a perched lion on the corner of time, seeking those whom it may devour. But, everyday with the LORD is sweeter than the day before, and how can 1 more month of anxiety attacks and stressed studying compare to the eternity of peace with our Lord Jesus Christ?

All for His glory.

Only Believe

ONLY BELIEVE
Has that trial in your life been going on so long
That everything in you screams,
"This is so wrong."
You can't understand,
it seems God is far away
As with tears you cry out to Him everyday,
If you read God's Word
His truth you will see
That He has a job for you and a job for me,
ONLY BELIEVE!
is what He has to say
At His feet this problem you must lay,
In His time and in His way
An answer to your problem will be there one day,
Keep on believing, don't lose hope
He'll give you His grace enabling you to cope,
Keep your eyes on Him as to to Him you cleave
He has promised He will never forsake you or leave,
Give Him time to work it all out
The devil just wants you to worry and doubt,
Praising Him is one thing
He's looking for
To bless you is what He has in store,
So no matter what,
even when you don't understand
ONLY BELIEVE!
that's what moves His hand.
-Beverly Shaffer

Hiatsus

Whoa...seems like an eternity since I have last touched a computer,let alone blogged. What's been going on? Oh yes,common tests...how could I ever forget? The hours spent brooding over notes,notes and nothing but notes,and the worst part of it all? Having to sacrifice sleep,leisure time and sports. But now that they are all over and done with(the last paper-literature-ended with a butt-numbing three hours under the Arctic airconditioner of LT5),there seems to be a void,like something's missing. Maybe I should be doing something yet I'm not. But that feeling doesn't come that often with everyday trainings and hockey matches and tons of outings(not that I'm complaining okay). Cool. Life should stay like that,holiday mode,forever. *wishful thinking*

Fat rat

Today all Chinese welcome the year of the fat Rat,and it is indeed an auspicious time for many,yet only half of me feels the joyous atmosphere. The other half is swimming around in a vacuum,void of emotions but full of exhaustion.

I really thank God for blessing us all with a 4-day holiday weekend,so that I can catch up on my procrastinated studies,my deprived sleep and my absent blog entries. The past weekend was spent playing an unexpected U-21 semis and finals,and those were the best games I ever played since I joined hockey. I really gave my all,and with help from the Lord above,I managed to do saves I never thought was possible. Praise the Lord!

School the past week was as usual,tiring,full of lessons,trainings etc. So this break is really a God-sent.*smiles* But sometimes I don't feel like doing anything but stoning,under the sweltering heat with sleepy flies fliting around. Bleah,I better stop crapping and study "The Duchess of Malfi"!

Accumulation of Blog-rust

Yes,it's been ages since I last put up a post...blame it on my hyper-busy schedule of juggling double CCAs,especially the U-21 hockey matches that fall squarely on both weekends and played at Delta,which is almost at the other end of the world for me,and a heavy Year 2 curriculum,with loads of ctaching up to do on Econs(yes,especially Econs,in which the tutor is hardly helping...hint hint).

Apologies for having such a bad start full of complains. No,they aren't really complains,but more of lamentations...or wait,no,more of explanations of what caused my accumulation of blog-rust.

Updates on what my life has been for the past two weeks. Been trying real hard constantly to do some soul-winning and also growing my faith in God. The testimonies and sermons I heard from friends,fellow sisters and brothers-in-christ and pastors have really touched me and made me determined to change,to become more like our Father Himself. And that starts with having love for everyone around me,despite what they have done. And no,it's not the kind of love I've mistaken so much in the past,but the all-consuming kind of love that God has for all of us. That also comes with forgiveness and constant prayers for them. Praise the Lord!

One prevalent problem is my worringly decline in passion for running,or in particular,corss-country. Wherever was the burning desire to run and give it all I've got? Whatever happened to the tough girl who used to be so glad to train,and wouldn't mind doing extra on top of the killer trainings? Whoever can imagine the drastic loss of feel-good endorphins after every run? I realised something was seriously wrong when I started to dread trainings,and would think of any possible way to bail myself out. Even the idea of faking an injury crossed my mind one morning when I woke up totally drained from a late-night hockey training the night before. Call it burn-out,muscle-tear,lack of sleep,time of the month,"bad days"...I don't know,but it feels like a combination of all of the above,plus the most worrying lost of passion. Trainings which I used to be able to take,and which used to make me so happy now leaves me in a crying,messed-up heap,too pessimistic and unwilling to push myself any further. I would give up very early half-way during trainings and allow all the "I can't do it" thoughts push themselves into my alredy drained mind. And to add on to the injury:the sight of Year 1 girls striding easily past me,effortlessly like the wind,leaving me all the way at the back,a puffing,panting,dying block. It's really time to buck up and stop all this attitude. The season's coming...

And hockey? My position is now jeopardised. No bad feelings towards her,just the general sense of disappointment and of course the "oh-shit",dready feeling of not being able to play for the school. Ha. Seems like that is happening already,with U-21 matches being played half-half. What's about training so hard and going through all that bone-grinding guys' training for two NIGHTS(yes,all the way till 10pm)a week,and compromising on my priorities-studies,sleep and first CCA? I'm still such a noobie,a L-O-S-E-...ah forget it.

I pray that God will fill me with enough strength,courage and faith in Him to carry on living each pressurising day,and be able to cope with each and every problem that comes in my way. Hey,after all,it's His test for me,and I will do anything to glorify His Kingdom. Anything. If it means going through these emotional turmoil,because ultimately,didn't He suffer much more for all of us?

Epiphany

Epiphanies are meant to be sudden "wake-up calls" that can occur at any time of your life,at the most unexpected places,under the most unthinkable situations. Sometimes they are just sudden clicks in your mind,other times they come in the form of the words of others,which I strongly believe is God working through them to get His message across to me. Epiphanies make you realise things you never thought of before,and stop you in doing whatever you're doing,then make you change your life in the most,well,ironic way. Let's just say,an epiphany struck me today,while talking to certain trusted friends over a certain bugging matter,and it just made me realise how off-track I've been,and how important it is to really focus on what's the main priorities.

It just set me thinking deeply,and though this epiphany left me with this tingling,clouding sense of pain,or what I call "shittiness",I understood that it has to happen,and am glad that it did,before things got deeper and more complicated. I have to admit,my whole training was totally screwed up,and my mood was as black as night. I've really put myself into such a f***ed-up situation,and totally just ruined myself with all these inflictions. Just by thinking too much. Wow.

Sarah pounded on me to "focus,and you can do anything" and man,it's high time I start focusing! God,studies(gosh,I'm year 2 already!),cross-country,hockey...there's so many things to "channel my energy to",as Viv puts it,and that I don't always have to rely on THAT. S**t man,I mean,I can't lose something that I didn't even have in the first place! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Sweet Lord Jesus,stay with me now,for I seek desperately for Your comfort. I will grow strongest when I'm at my weakest,for You fill me with Your limitless strength...

What,school?

Orientations,influx of year ones,ceaseless cheerings and screamings...that's what have been going on for the past few days of orientation. And thank God,year twos are all spared from lessons,something which have escaped my mind for nearly two whole months. Apparently my brain seem to be having a gradual,degrading hiatus,and to suddenly make it work so hard with all that thinking(hint hint...what else but maths?) is really a torture. So for now,I will just be content with physical torture from trainings,everyday.

Good game girls,for playing so well against ACJC and beating them 5-0. Praise to the Lord for His many blessings!

Entering the realm of 2008

Happy new year! Here we are,welcoming 2008 with hopes,dreams and anticipation,unsure of what will befall us in the days to come. I must say,let's just take things in our stride and always keep ourselves grounded in God no matter what happens. For He always provides a way out. May God bless all of us! :)