LIBERATION

Exams are finally over! What a freaking relief, oh my goodness. Finally I can read my Stephen King novels, sleep and hangout till late without the accompanying sense of guilt that sits at the bottom of my heart like a stone.

For this month of December, it will be work work work, party party party and chilling chilling chilling. No lectures, tutorials and exams. Peace out!

New environment, new people, new things to do. Stepping out of my comfort zone won't be easy but it will be a challenge that I should willingly undertake. How often do such challenges come my way and I reject them? It's my time to overcome it, and I will!

Still in my heart

It's been one month and one day since you passed away, but you are still in my heart, and you won't be forgotten. Though it's really hard to get through each day doing my own things while missing you and our times together, I'm doing it. Hell yeah, I'm doing it! Something that I thought would be insurmountable one month ago has become much more bearable now. The pain may have lessened, but trust me, you are still in my heart, and always will be.

I try day and night to black out the scene of your passing, and all our last days just living life to the fullest, but they just keep replaying. It's even harder to walk past the places we have been, and see other friends having so much fun, while I stand alone, sometimes with your brothers, and mourn the empty space beside us. The space that no one can fill except you, Stan the Man.

Do I have regrets? I would be lying if I said no. But I'm at least consoled by the fact that I said whatever that was in my heart, and left nothing unspoken. I guess the biggest regret anyone could have is seeing your best friend slip away before your eyes, and having so much buried words in your heart that can never have the chance to be spoken ever again.

From now onwards begins my task of fulfilling your last wish: Not to cry and grief for you anymore, one month after your death, and to move on with life being happy. Not even one tear can be shed. I'm finding that insanely difficult, but it's your last wish after all, and I'm going to fulfill it.

I love you, Stan.

Enlightenment

Courage is not a strong cry of valour at the end of the day, it is a small voice that says,"Let's try again tomorrow."

Amazing. I'm glad I met up with Nelson, my junior and support and friend from way back, during my crazy debating days. We were both amateurs to the world of high-class night life and chill out venues, so we just let our roaming instincts take the stage. And I'm glad we did! Because we ended up in one of the most beautiful places in Singapore, the river that stretches past Fullerton Bay Hotel and One Fullerton. Yes, I have been there before during my wild days clubbing at The Butter Factory, but never had I gone there with the sole intention of just chilling and taking time to enjoy the scenery. Not much of a natural environment, but more of a constructed, concrete jungle environment, which is gorgeous in itself.

Then we went to The Lantern, a rooftop bar at the top of Fullerton Bay Hotel, a highly romantic and surreal place to just lie back and relax. However there seemed to be more patrons than staff, and service was brief and slow. For most of the time, we were ignored and left to our own devices. Of course we seized the opportunity to revel in the brilliance of the night scene from way up high, and took pictures as visual mementos to engrave our visit to this beautiful place. There was an infinity pool too!

The best part of the night, I must say, was spent lounging on the inviting couches placed strategically at the lobby and just talking and enjoying each other's company. I haven't seen Nelson for over a year, and boy, he really surprised me with his maturity and insights into life. How much he has changed! From the impulsive, emotionally unstable kid so prone to verbal diahorrea and charged outbursts to a man who has been handed shit, taken that same shit and turned it into a pot of gold. that's just what he has become, and I'm so so proud of him. His life lessons managed to bring me out of my disenchantment with this life, and helped me gained a sense of self-worth that is grounded upon self-assurance and not on complacency or over-confidence, thus solidifying my notion of a "purpose", which should have been intrinsic all along. But apparently with so much shit that has happened, I gradually grew distant from that unique trait that embodies who I am, and make me ME. I guess there was alot to take in, and I had to digest all his little nuggets of wisdom these few days, and really re-acquaint with my inner sense of being, my true form.

Thank you Nelson.

Ps. Gotta try the Green Tea Cream at the Starbucks at One Fullerton! Creamy heaven.

Halloween madness

What a crazy Halloween weekend! People, people everywhere...hey who knows? There just might be some non-humans hiding amongst the sea of zombies, ghosts, devils, Scream killers, cats, schoolgirls and other wildly innovative costumes.

I was impressed with the effort that people took to dress up and to stand out of the crowd. There was a Rubik cube, a Taoist priest, a gladiator, the Joker from the Batman movie, a policewoman and her criminal boyfriend on a real chain, hippies, gypsies and construction workers with a toolbox that read" We fix men". Ah-ha. That was really eye-catching.

But the problem of overcrowding really reached its limit and I swear never to go clubbing on festive occasions again. We could barely breathe, much less squeeze through the throngs of sweaty, heavily made-up people! So we had to contend with House music at Zirca, which can be a blessing in disguise, because it opened my heart to a genre of music I previously avoided but am now embracing. House actually ain't that bad. It's definitely from certain mainstream trashy music, and it has that entrancing quality of letting me get lost in it. It's just beats and electrifying rhythms that make me just bop around and forget about life, even if it's temporary.

Happy Halloween!

Moving on

Oh my goodness. This is probably the first time I genuinely felt happy in nearly 2 months! I FINALLY completed all my term papers and projects, and school is gonna end in 2-3 weeks time! Rejoice! No more squeezing with evening rush hour traffic and no more exhaustion-induced migraines in the middle of lectures so boring they can make you gag.

I'm moving on in life, I really am! I'm excited to start in my new jobs-totally different environments and challenges. Welcome to the real world, and out of the comfort zone that Subway has given me for the past five months. How time flies!

And I'm so relieved, was practically laughing out loud in the train on the way home. Apparently there was a misunderstanding between my project mate and me. When I first asked him how many words we have to write for our combined term paper, he text: 20000 words for a group of two. It totally stressed me out! 20000 words is like, sixty fucking pages! How can a term paper be so long?! But headstrong me decided to take it as a challenge, and went ahead with it. When I reached the 10000 word mark, my ideas and energy were sucked as dry as bone. That's it, man. No more! I can't think of anything else! So I text him back for inspiration. And guess what, folks? The word limit was only 2000 words, not 20000. OMG to the max!!! Oh, the difference that just one '0' makes! Now I'm so relieved, I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

The most important thing? Be clear in your direction, wherever you are heading, before taking that first step. And no matter how far you have gone down the wrong path, TURN BACK!

Random happenings

Random thoughts and happenings and musings.

I just cut my fringe! When the scissors when snip snip snip, I had this sudden urge to shave my whole head bald. Call that a sudden burst of inspiration huh. I would rather refer it as emotional imbalance and uncontrolled impulse.

And I just bought new Bang & Olfusen speakers with double bass power and boom box special systems. Ah ha. Perfect for those nights in my room with a chilled glass of scotch and coke and just let the beats thump through my veins.

Skipped school again today, because it was raining and I felt lazy. That's it. No special reason. But hey, I managed to complete most of my projects using that time at home, so it's not a bad thing always.

I realised the only way to combat the thorn in my flesh is really to acknowledge that it is there and face it bravely, in other words, look at it and get it out. Face my fears by confronting them head-on. That's what I'm gonna do. Tomorrow. Let my crazy plan work.

If I could turn back the hands of time

If only I could turn back the hands of time.

I promise to be a better person. I promise to treat everyone better. I promise to treasure what's important and what's not. I promise not to do anymore bad things in God's eyes. I promise to lead a clean, alcohol-free life. I promise to be more serious about school and my term papers. I promise to cherish those times we had together before he was taken away from me. I promise to take Stan the Man to more places and do more things before his death.

But reality is, I can't, because it's over and there's nothing I can do to bring those times and Stan the Man back again.

Yes, I was harsh in my previous posts and I really did hate you at that moment. But isn't so much hate always the result of so much wounded love? I hated you because I really did love you. But it seems like we are just not meant to be. Nevertheless, I still believe in this virtue called hope, the only thing that keeps us sane in times like these, a ray of light we can constantly look towards.

Come back, because I miss you so.

I'm sorry for everything.